


What I'll do for more time (with you)

by imgonnariverdance



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Cancer, Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-27
Updated: 2019-03-11
Packaged: 2019-09-28 14:06:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 49,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17184407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imgonnariverdance/pseuds/imgonnariverdance
Summary: Chanyeol doesn’t know what's worse, finding out he has cancer or finding out that his best friend, who he has loved for years, is getting married.





	1. Sign

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: All names and characters are borrowed, no real affiliation is meant to the people mentioned in this fic. No disrespect is meant to the people mentioned in the fic or the friends/family of the people mentioned in the fic as well. 
> 
> Before you start reading this fic, please know that this is a cancer fic and I am not sure if it needs a trigger warning but please read with caution. This fic will have 10 chapters and each chapter will revolve around one song off the Tempo album. I will be updating this fic about once a week. This story is a bit different from the ones I usually write but I wanted to try something new. I hope you guys will enjoy this fic and as usual, feel free to let me know what you think!

Chanyeol should have seen the signs. Long ago. Months ago when it first started.

He gets tired, a lot. But then again, at 25, while working his hectic job at the bakery, Chanyeol thought it was normal to feel so exhausted after a long day’s worth of work.

The tiredness was one thing, but there were many other changes that Chanyeol felt he should have paid more attention to.

A good night of sleep was hard to come by, Chanyeol finds himself having to get up multiple times in the middle of the night to go to the washroom. Chanyeol brushes it off and tells himself it is probably just because he drinks too much water before going to bed. 

Speaking of increased trips to the washroom, Chanyeol finds himself having to visit the toilet more, not just at night but throughout the entire day. Chanyeol only starts to become concerned about this when he realises exactly how often he needs to visit the washroom after Kyungsoo points it out to him at work. 

Any regular person would have gotten checked or seen a doctor at that, but ‘regular’ was never a term people would use to describe Park Chanyeol.

Chanyeol doesn’t know why he has to use the toilet so frequently, or why it was harder for him to fully relief himself. It soon becomes evident that he wasn’t able to urinate without putting a bit of pressure on his lower abdomen or straining his bladder. 

Chanyeol doesn’t want to admit to himself that there is a problem, because that was how he usually was.

It all goes down hill when Chanyeol starts to feel pain during sex. Not exactly unbearable pain, but a very uncomfortable feeling that Chanyeol is unable to put his finger on. It just feels like something is swollen down there and Chanyeol doesn’t know what is going on. 

Chanyeol wants to ignore all the signs, he wants to pretend that nothing is wrong with his body but he can’t. 

Not when he tries to relief himself for the fourth time that night and he realises the excruciatingly burning pain that comes with him trying to empty his bladder. Chanyeol holds himself up, placing his hands on the wall for support and closes his eyes through the wave of pain that takes over his entire body. Looking down after he is done, Chanyeol thinks that his eyes were playing a trick on him. 

Blood. And a lot of it. Chanyeol shakily pulls his underwear and pants back up before he flushes. Something was wrong, his body should not be behaving this way and Chanyeol couldn’t ignore the signs anymore. 

\---

Chanyeol should have seen the signs. Long ago. Years ago when it first started. 

Chanyeol had known he liked boys since he was 15, it was a pretty open fact. Chanyeol didn’t feel the need to hide it, despite the disapproval he received from his parents. Of course, at 15, that disapproval affected Chanyeol more than he would like to admit but Chanyeol knew he always had people beside him that loved him and accepted him fully for who he was. 

Baekhyun, his best friend, was one of them. Baekhyun, who didn’t judge, who didn’t laugh, who didn’t say a word when Chanyeol came out to him. Baekhyun, the boy that knew him since they were 5 and grew up with him. Baekhyun, who loved him and promised to love him no matter what his sexuality was.

Chanyeol knows that there was a problem. He has known it for a while now. Baekhyun was supposed to be a friend. Just a friend. But Chanyeol can’t help but smile whenever he is with the other boy. Chanyeol can’t help but look at him when he does the small things that make Baekhyun, Baekhyun. Chanyeol can’t help but feel a tinge of jealousy when he sees Baekhyun with someone else. Chanyeol couldn’t help falling in love with his best friend. 

Of course, Chanyeol knows it isn’t Baekhyun’s fault. Baekhyun was just sweet, nice and caring. Anyone would fall for him, Chanyeol knows he is just one of many that had fallen for the other man. But, then again, Chanyeol also knows nothing would ever happen with Baekhyun, because, despite a small hook up he had with the other male in college, Baekhyun was most definitely straight. 

Baekhyun was the straight son of one of the richest CEOs in Seoul and Chanyeol knows Baekhyun was out of his league even if he wasn’t straight anyway.

Chanyeol wanted to ignore the signs. The signs of how he was in love with Byun Baekhyun but he can’t. 

Not when he can’t date anyone else without making comparing them to Baekhyun. Not when he thinks about Baekhyun at night, on his bed, when he should be getting much needed rest. Not when he feels so hurt and so angry whenever he sees Baekhyun with Taeyeon because Chanyeol wants that to be him-

Chanyeol was in a one sided love and it hurt. Something was wrong with Chanyeol, he was in love with his best friend who would never love him back and Chanyeol couldn’t ignore the signs anymore.

\---

Chanyeol goes alone. He knows that his roommate would definitely follow him if he asked but he feels like this is probably nothing, maybe an infection of some sort. This wasn’t something he needed to bother Sehun with. 

He gets to the hospital and after telling the doctor his symptoms, he is asked to do a series of test. 

Chanyeol follows as he is instructed and waits in the waiting room for the results. 

It takes about 2 hours but the Doctor calls him back in. Chanyeol notices how the doctor, was no longer smiling as he takes his seat beside him again. Chanyeol frowns, not liking the change from how the doctor was 2 hours ago as he cracked jokes about his day and talked about his family. 

“Dr Junmyeon, is something wrong?” Chanyeol clears his throat to ask, the tension in the room was killing him. 

The doctor, frowns and nods. 

Chanyeol gulps at that, not very sure what was going on. 

“Chanyeol, please stay calm at what I am about to tell you alright?” Junmyeon asks in the softest tone possible. 

Chanyeol was afraid but he nods, egging the doctor to carry on. 

“You have stage III prostate cancer” Junmyeon says flatly. 

There is a pause as Chanyeol lets the words sink in. 

“Sorry? What?” Chanyeol was in disbelief because he was 25. People who were 25 weren’t supposed to have cancer. 

“Stage III prostate cancer. The cancer cells have started to spread outside of the prostate region but it hasn’t gotten too bad yet, Chanyeol. There is still a chance that you can make a recovery so don’t lose hope just yet-” Junmyeon tries to explain more to Chanyeol but Chanyeol cuts him off. 

“I-I can’t. It can’t be. I-I can’t have cancer.” Chanyeol knows he sounds stupid for even being in denial when Junmyeon was holding up his test results in front of him, showing him exactly where the cancer had spread to. 

“Chanyeol, please stay calm.” Junmyeon clasps Chanyeol’s hand lightly. “As I said, it is not too bad yet, let me tell you about your treatment options, I am going to help you alright?”. 

Chanyeol’s breath hitches, he had seen it multiple times on television. The lead actor gets told he has cancer and his world crashes down upon him. Chanyeol wants to laugh because he feels like he was the lead in that moment and he can even imagine the dramatic music that would accompany this very scene. 

“How many months do I have to live?” Chanyeol asks, direct and straight to the point. 

Junmyeon shakes his head, “Chanyeol, it doesn’t work that way.” he tries to explain, “it all depends on how your body reacts to the treatment, most prostate cancer patients live for years after their diagnosis”. Junmyeon does not include the fact that most patients get diagnosed at an earlier stage. 

Chanyeol is a little less tense at that and Junmyeon is finally able to tell him the different treatment options. 

\---

Chanyeol is scared. Of course he was scared. Just yesterday, he was eating two buckets of fried chicken with his friends over soju and beer. Now, he is suddenly told he has cancer and he has to go through something called Chemotherapy twice a week. 

Chanyeol doesn’t know who he should tell. He doesn’t want to worry the people around him, he doesn’t want to have to burden them with his problems. 

Chanyeol thinks if he should tell someone, it should be Baekhyun, who he has always regarded as his best friend.

Chanyeol’s hand hovers over the text he plans to send to Baekhyun. 

“Hey Baek, I have cancer” 

Chanyeol stares at his phone for a whole minute before deleting the entire message. This was not the way to tell his best friend of 20 years news about how he could die. 

Chanyeol retypes another message to Baekhyun. 

“Hey Baek, could we talk?” 

Chanyeol considers if his message was a little too forced, a little bit too foreign. Baekhyun might have been his best friend for years but he knows. He knows that they have grown a little apart over the last few years. Graduating from university, Chanyeol rarely even gets to see Baekhyun anymore, which is understandable considering Baekhyun has to pick up the ropes on how to run a multi-million dollar cooperation.

 

Chanyeol doesn’t know if Baekhyun still regards him as his best friend, but in Chanyeol’s eyes, no one could ever replace Baekhyun. 

Chanyeol clicks send and is surprised to get a text back almost instantly. 

“Hey Yeol. Sure, what’s up?” 

Chanyeol considers calling the other man and telling him right then, but he realises that this was something he probably needs to tell Baekhyun face to face. 

“Can we talk in person?” 

Chanyeol doesn’t know when this request started being something he had to think twice about before asking. 

“I’m a little busy tonight. How about tomorrow? I’ll drive by your place after my meeting at night?” 

And there it was. Baekhyun was a busy man, Chanyeol feels bad for even bothering Baekhyun but he can’t help but miss the boy he was practically attached to by the hip as a kid. 

“Okay, can we not talk in my house though”

Chanyeol makes another request, knowing that if they have this conversation in his house, Sehun would also be there. 

“Sure, we can meet at the park nearby? Can’t wait to see you Yeol, I’ve missed you so much.”

Chanyeol knows he is whipped because a message like that should not make him so happy but it does. 

\---

Chanyeol is nervous. He doesn’t know how to bring up the topic to Baekhyun and he has no idea how Baekhyun was even going to react. 

Chanyeol heads to the park near his house and finds himself playing on the swing that he knows he has long outgrown. 

Chanyeol gets lost in his thoughts til he hears a familiar voice. 

“Yeol, I tried to call you like a thousand times” 

Chanyeol turns his head around to see Baekhyun who has a tired smile plastered onto his face. He was still gorgeous. 

Chanyeol checks his phone and Baekhyun was right, he had like 5 missed calls from the other man. 

“Sorry, I was just thinking” Chanyeol tries to laugh off as Baekhyun takes the swing next to him, before passing a drink to Chanyeol. 

“It’s okay. Here. It’s your favourite. Honey milk tea, 2x more pearls and 100% sugar” Baekhyun smiles brightly, as he takes a sip from his own drink. 

Chanyeol thanks Baekhyun as he pops the straw into his drink and takes a sip out it. 

“I don’t know how your drink that without getting diabetes” Baekhyun jokes but Chanyeol tenses up, just a bit at that. If only Baekhyun knew. 

They stay like that for a bit. Exchanging small details about their lives and what they missed. 

Then, there is silence and Chanyeol notes how there is an obvious shift in the mood. Chanyeol thinks that this is probably the time to say what he called Baekhyun out for. Chanyeol opens his mouth, wanting to just get it over and done with-

“Me and Taeyeon are getting married” 

Chanyeol’s mouth hangs slightly agape. 

“What?” 

Chanyeol was taken aback, because this was just all so sudden. Chanyeol feels a bit hurt because if anything, he thought Baekhyun would talk to him about this before he even proposed-

“It was more of my father’s decision. His health hasn’t been the best lately and he thought it would be better if me and Taeyeon just got married now to ensure the security of both our companies. He was the one who asked Taeyeon’s dad about it” 

Baekhyun looked, well, not upset but he didn’t look happy as well. He didn’t look like a man who was going to be married soon, to the love of his life. 

“And you’re okay with all of this?” 

Chanyeol frowns, because he has known Baekhyun long enough to know that there was something wrong. 

“I mean, we’re both 25 now and we’ve been dating for years, so I guess I’m okay since it is either now or awhile later in the future”

Chanyeol notices how Baekhyun seems quite resigned to his fate. But then again, he knows Baekhyun also cares a great deal for Taeyeon and Taeyeon, who was also his friend, was a nice, lovely person who has treated Baekhyun with nothing but love and respect. They were a good match. 

“If my father wants it now, I guess, I could get married now” 

Baekhyun adds and Chanyeol notes the tinge of sadness in Baekhyun’s voice. Because he knows. Baekhyun was a filial child and he would do anything for his parents, even if he wasn’t 100% keen about it. 

“You don’t have to do everything your father tells you to, Baek”

Chanyeol considers how he could be overstepping a line for saying this but he doesn’t care because it is true. 

“I know, I’m doing this because I want to” 

Baekhyun looks straight at Chanyeol with a look that Chanyeol knows all too well. Chanyeol can see that Baekhyun doesn’t mean it but who was he to call Baekhyun out on it?

There were a million things that Chanyeol wanted to say. 

“You don’t love Taeyeon”

“Don’t get married to Taeyeon” 

“You and me should be together instead” 

But Chanyeol doesn’t say anything. 

“Anyway the wedding won’t be for another few months so enough about me. What did you want to tell me?” 

Baekhyun makes eye contact with Chanyeol again, holding his gaze. 

Chanyeol gulps. He knows he should just come clean and tell Baekhyun the truth, but Baekhyun has so much on his plate right now, it would be selfish to burden him even more with his own troubles.

“I was thinking of a new menu item. Think about this, cinnamon chocolate buns!”

Chanyeol widens his eyes and uses big hand gestures to try to fake enthusiasm about this. 

Baekhyun stares at Chanyeol for a moment before laughing. 

“This was the big news you had to get me to drive here for? I’m a busy man you know?” 

Baekhyun laughs and jokes. 

“Too busy for me?” 

Chanyeol pouts, joking back. 

“Never too busy for you” 

Baekhyun gives Chanyeol another look that Chanyeol knows all too well. Baekhyun means every word. 

Chanyeol fakes a smile as he continues asking Baekhyun more about his work and how he was coping, trying not to let the other boy see his sadness at the news he had just been told. 

Chanyeol knows the signs, but he chooses to ignore them, he doesn’t need a diagnosis to know he is in love with his best friend.


	2. Bad Dream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are you ready for this?

Chanyeol knows it is just a bad dream. But he can’t shake the feeling. 

Seeing Baekhyun, in a tux, standing down the aisle as Taeyeon walks towards him. Taeyeon, in her elegant wedding dress looks beautiful, but Baekhyun. Wow, just wow. He was gorgeous. The priest asks if anyone has any final words, any objections. Chanyeol wants to say something, he wants to scream out no and stop the wedding. But he can’t. He physically can’t speak, can’t scream, can’t even breathe. Oh my god, Chanyeol can’t breathe. 

“Chanyeol, wake up” 

“Chanyeol?” 

“Please, you’re scaring me” 

Thank god for Sehun’s voice because Chanyeol feels like it is the only thing that grounds him in times like this. 

“Hunnie?” 

Chanyeol asks, shakily. Opening his eyes to see his flatmate staring at him, extremely concerned.

“Chanyeol, you were screaming. Are you okay?” 

Sehun was frowning, his hair was sticking up in odd angles and he looked tired. Chanyeol takes a quick glance and sees that it is already 4 in the morning. He probably woke Sehun up from screaming in his sleep.

“Sorry. I had a… a bad dream” 

Chanyeol clears his throat, not really wanting to go more in depth. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” 

Sehun shakes his hair out of his own face, getting comfortable on Chanyeol’s bed. 

Chanyeol shakes his head, a little too profusely. No one can know about his nightmare. Not Sehun and definitely not Baekhyun. 

“You sure?” 

Sehun checks again. 

Chanyeol nods, “Sorry for waking you, you should get back to sleep, you have work in the morning”. 

Sehun shrugs before patting Chanyeol on the back, “I’m in the other room if you need me”. 

Chanyeol gives Sehun a weak smile as Sehun leaves the room. Chanyeol knows he could probably tell Sehun about his treatment that was going to start the next day. He knows that Sehun would care for him and support him. But the thing is, by saying it out loud, by admitting it out loud that he has cancer, it makes it so clear that this disease that Chanyeol has is not just a bad dream but real life. 

\---

Chanyeol thought he would be alright to take the bus back home alone after his first session of Chemotherapy. Chanyeol has never been more wrong in his whole life. 

Chanyeol did some research about the after effects of Chemotherapy, and while the side effects included light headaches and nausea, Chanyeol doesn’t expect himself to feel like death on a crowded bus at 3 in the afternoon. 

Chanyeol knows he looks just as bad as he feels, because for the first time in all his 25 years of living, someone offers their seat to him on the bus. And although it really hurts his pride, Chanyeol takes it, thinking he might collapse if he doesn’t. 

\---

Chanyeol is only thankful that he doesn’t have work today. He can’t imagine kneading dough, loading and unloading buns from the ovens or even cleaning up after Kyungsoo right now. Hell, he can’t even imagine himself running the cash register in this state. Chanyeol feels his body giving up on him and every inch of his brain exploding with the incessant pounding his head is going through. 

“It will get better, your body will get more used to it after awhile”

Chanyeol hopes and prays and what Junmyeon said is true because he can’t imagine himself going through this twice a week for who knows how long. 

\---

Chanyeol throws up. Multiple times. Chanyeol hates feeling weak but there he was, kneeling in front of the toilet bowl for the 4th time since coming back home, left without strength to even get back onto his bed. Chanyeol feels like crying, but he doesn’t even have strength for that. He feels another wave of nausea hit and bile rising up his throat once again. Chanyeol didn’t even know he still had anything to puke out. 

Chanyeol is shaking as he clutches onto the porcelain bowl tight, trying to empty the contents of his stomach til the dizziness fades. There are tears in his eyes from being exhausted after the countless number of times he threw up. 

And then suddenly, there are warm hands on his back. 

“I got you. Let it all out.”

Sehun was home. 

Chanyeol feels better just by having Sehun there. 

\---

“Have you seen a doctor?” 

“What happened Chanyeol?” 

“How are you feeling?”

Sehun keeps asking Chanyeol the same few things. Chanyeol considers telling Sehun the truth but he doesn’t want to make this Sehun’s problem. He was a grown man. He could handle his own shit by himself. 

Chanyeol smiles to Sehun and tells him it is just an upset stomach, that he doesn’t need to worry. Sehun frowns, because he doesn’t know why but he has a bad feeling about this whole situation. 

“Okay, I’ll go cook dinner. You get some rest first”

Sehun thinks hard. What could be wrong with Chanyeol?

\---

Chanyeol tells Junmyeon about the side effects he experienced on Monday after his first treatment, so he gets medicine to ease the nausea for his second session. 

Chanyeol braces himself for the worse, but thankfully, he doesn’t feel as bad as he did on Monday. Chanyeol feels a bit lightheaded, but he knows he can power through his half day at work even in this state. 

“Chanyeol, are you okay?” 

Kyungsoo’s firm and deep voice snaps him out of his thoughts while he stirs the batter mix. Chanyeol thinks that Kyungsoo would murder him if he ever finds out that he was coming to work, straight from the hospital, so he doesn’t mention it. 

“Yeah, I’m fine” 

Chanyeol knows he isn’t the best liar, but he considers how he is getting progressively better at it.

“You seem a little dazed today”

Kyungsoo says as a matter of factly. 

“Just a little tired” 

Chanyeol fakes a smile, a little was an understatement, but there was no way he was going to let Kyungsoo know that it was taking every inch of willpower not to just lie down and pass out right there. 

\---

Chanyeol hates how weak he feels after each session. He knows these chemotherapy sessions are supposed to be helping him, saving his life. But he feels so much like shit after them that he doesn’t know if it is all worth it in the end. 

Some days are better than others. On a good day, Chanyeol can still plaster on a smile and act like nothing's wrong til he gets home. On a bad day, Chanyeol can barely find it within him to keep himself upright. 

On Chanyeol’s 5th session, Chanyeol has a really bad day. 

Chanyeol is dizzy right after his session is over and while the nurses told him he could rest for a while in another room, Chanyeol was insistent that he was okay. 

Chanyeol regrets the decision to try to get home immediately because he barely makes it through the front door of his apartment before everything goes black. 

\---

Chanyeol is too tired to even open his eyes. Chanyeol recognises he is on his bed, but he doesn’t even know how he got there. He feels like his soul is no longer even in his body. He is so weak and powerless that breathing was a chore for him. But then, he needs to puke again and it is only with that thought he manages to scrunch his body upwards. 

And there is suddenly a small pail in front of him. Warm hands once again on his back as he throws up whatever little amount of food he consumed the day before. 

“Chanyeol… What the fuck… I was so fucking worried” 

Sehun. 

Sehun helps to use a tissue to wipe Chanyeol mouth for him before lowering back onto his bed. 

“t-thanks” 

Chanyeol doesn’t know what to say. 

“Chanyeol. What the hell is going on” 

Sehun sounded angry. Mad. Pissed. 

“W-what? I don’t know-”

Chanyeol wants to make up another excuse to lie to his flatmate but Sehun cuts him off. 

“Enough of the lies that you’re fine. You throw up so much these weeks. I don’t really see you eating much anymore. And today I had to come back to see your unconscious body on the fucking floor.”

Chanyeol hates that he made Sehun worried. 

“Do you know how fucking scared I was?” 

And now Sehun had tears in his eyes. Chanyeol hated this, all of it. 

Chanyeol didn’t want to bother Sehun with his problems. He would much rather keep it to himself. He didn’t want to make Sehun scared or worried for him. But here Sehun was, scared and worried because he didn’t want to tell him the truth. 

“Chanyeol, please, tell me what’s wrong” 

Sehun’s voice breaks a little. Sehun was very upset and Chanyeol knows it. 

Chanyeol takes a breath and decides to just say it. 

“Sehun, I’m sick” 

Sehun frowns hard. 

“Yeah, you are Chanyeol and you need to see a doctor-” 

Chanyeol wants to cry because Sehun doesn’t understand. 

“No. I’ve already seen a doctor- I’m already seeing a doctor” 

Chanyeol lets that sit in, hoping he doesn’t have to say anymore for Sehun to understand. 

“I-I don’t understand Chanyeol. Then why are you still sick? Is the medicine you’re taking not effective?”

Chanyeol tries not to cry. He really does. But his flatmate doesn’t understand the weight of his words. He still thought he was just suffering from a stupid stomach flu. Chanyeol wants to let Sehun believe that, he wishes he could. 

“I have cancer, Hun” 

Chanyeol says flatly, not trying to reveal any emotions through his words. 

There is a pause. There is disbelief. There is a very emotional flatmate who refuses to believe what he is hearing. 

“T-this is a joke right? This can’t be real. This must be just a bad dream.” 

Sehun shakes his head profusely because it can’t that one of his closest friends in the whole wide world has cancer. 

“Stage 3 prostate cancer” 

Chanyeol doesn’t even care that he has tears on his cheeks because Sehun was already sobbing by this point. 

“Why the fuck didn’t you tell me you fucking asshole” 

Sehun is screaming at Chanyeol but he is also hugging him so tightly, afraid that Chanyeol would disappear if he let go. 

“I didn’t tell anyone. I didn’t want you to worry” 

Chanyeol hugs Sehun back, they rarely showed affection for each other like this but he knew the other man cared deeply for him. 

“You are so stupid Chanyeol. So fucking stupid. You made me worry even more” 

Chanyeol nods as he takes in Sehun’s warmth. 

“This all feels like a bad dream”

Sehun mumbles into Chanyeol’s ear. He didn’t want this whole situation to be so real. He didn’t want Chanyeol to have cancer

“I wish it was just a bad dream” 

Chanyeol’s voice breaks, just slightly.

At that, Sehun holds him just a little tighter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you guess what the next song is going to be?  
> Anyways thank you for reading!!! This fic is something completely different from my usual writing style so I would love to know what you think!!!:)  
> BUT YES Happy New Year all of you!!!!!!!


	3. Tempo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a long chapter, I hope I captured the mood of it right!!!

Chanyeol used to think the tempo of his life was pretty fast. At 25, each day past by relatively quick, leaving Chanyeol without much time to even stop and relax. However, that was before Chanyeol was diagnosed with cancer. Now, days are long, tiring and sometimes even a little painful. Chanyeol finds the tempo of his life slowing down. 

Mondays and Thursdays are Chanyeol’s most hated days. Going for Chemotherapy makes him feel like crap for the entire day and the feeling sometimes carries on to even to the next day as well. 

Chanyeol hates being weak. He was never one to show weakness easily, but these days, he find himself having to reveal that part of himself more and more. 

Chanyeol usually loved the winter. But the blistering cold, is not making his weak body feel much better. Chanyeol considers how this could be his last winter and it scares him. He knows he might be overdramatic. Junmyeon had told him, many patients live pretty long even after their diagnosis, but Chanyeol can’t help but worry that he would be one of the unlucky few that don’t. 

“I want to go skiing” 

Chanyeol blurts out during dinner, making Sehun quite taken aback. 

“What?” 

Sehun furrows his brows. 

“Can we go to Pyeongchang? I want to ski, I want to fish, I want to go there for a holiday” 

Chanyeol knows this is one of the most random requests he has ever made, but he has cancer, so he should be allowed to make impulsive requests. 

Sehun frowns. 

“Chanyeol, you’re sick…. I am not sure if skiing will be good for you-” 

Chanyeol loves Sehun. He really does, but the over protectiveness that Sehun has been showing him since he found out was really something that Chanyeol did not appreciate. 

“Hun, listen to me. I have cancer but I’m still okay now” Sehun gives him a look so he adds, “on most days”. 

“I’m just worried Chanyeol. I don’t want you to push your body too hard” 

Chanyeol frowns. It never was a cause for concern that he just wanted to ski, I mean, he has been skiing regularly for close to 15 years now.

“Hun, I might be dead this time next year, I just want to be able to spend some time having fun with you and the other guys” 

Chanyeol knows it is evil to say this because he can see the change in Sehun’s face when he pulls out the I might die card. 

Sehun opens his mouth but closes it again. 

“Don’t say that” 

Sehun looks upset but Chanyeol knows he got what he wanted,

“I’ll check my with my boss if I can take next weekend off. I’ll text in the group too” 

Sehun gets up, trying not to look too hurt in front of Chanyeol. He was worried. So fucking worried. 

\---

“Baekhyun, you have to come” 

Sehun actually calls the other man when Baekhyun simply responds on their group chat with a, “Sorry! I’m too busy these few weeks:( Have fun though”. 

“Hun, you know that if I could, I would. But work these days have been piling up-” 

Sehun doesn’t even give Baekhyun a chance to finish his excuse. Chanyeol doesn’t have to tell him how important it is for Baekhyun to be there for Sehun to know. 

“Baek, please. We haven’t seen you in months. We all miss you” 

Chanyeol misses you, is what Sehun wants to say, but he doesn’t. 

“I-I miss you guys too. But, I can’t Sehun. I can’t just drop everything for a few days to have fun with you guys. I’m not young and in university anymore, I have a company to run”. 

Sehun knew that Baekhyun was right. Things really changed after they all left university. But Sehun knew how important this was for Chanyeol so he was going to pull out all stops to make Baekhyun come. 

“University, 3rd Year. You broke up with Taeyeon for like the 52nd time” 

Sehun hates he has to bring this up, but he knows he has no choice. 

“Sehun-” 

Baekhyun already knows where this is going. 

“You got so drunk you pissed yourself, and who the fuck changed you and cleaned you up?” 

Sehun knew he promised to never bring this up again, but dire times call for this. 

“You and Chanyeol did.”

Baekhyun groans. 

“Look Hun. I know you guys have been there for me all this while. I care alot about all of you guys. I would really want to see you guys if I could-” 

“Then make time for us” 

Sehun was insistent on making Baekhyun come. 

“This would mean a lot to me. And it would mean even more to Chanyeol” 

Sehun mumbles. 

“Chanyeol? Why?” 

Baekhyun feels like there is a hint of sadness to Sehun’s tone, like he is missing out on something that he should be able to pick up on. 

Sehun knows it is not his place to tell Baekhyun. It should come from Chanyeol himself. 

“Well, he is your best friend”

Sehun chooses not to bring up anything about Chanyeol’s illness. 

“Yeah, he is” 

Baekhyun bites down of his lower lip, he knows he has been a shitty friend. 

“Yeah, then act like it. Last time I checked, best friends made time for one another” 

Sehun knew it was harsh of him to say this. He knew it wasn’t Baekhyun’s fault for being busy with his dad’s company. 

“Which days are y’all planning to go again? I’ll free my days” 

Sehun knew he was harsh but it was worth it, because he managed to get Baekhyun to come. 

\---

“So we can split the driving there and back? Yeol can take the first hour, then you and then me” 

Kyungsoo explains casually as they all dig into their breakfast before setting off on the 3 hour journey there. 

Kyungsoo, Sehun and Chanyeol were travelling there in one car while Baekhyun, Chen and Xiumin in the other. 

Chanyeol barely touches his food. To be honest, 8am was too early for him to be awake, especially when he was still resting and recovering from the effects of the treatment from the day before. 

“I can just split it with you” 

Sehun suggests, noting how Chanyeol was basically pushing his food around on his plate at this point. 

“Hmm? Chanyeol can’t drive today?” 

Kyungsoo raises an eyebrow and looks at Chanyeol. 

Chanyeol wants to tell Kyungsoo that he’ll drive that he can do it but there was no way Sehun was going to let him. 

“Yeah, Chanyeol lost his licence so he shouldn’t drive, just in case”

Trust Sehun to come up with a great excuse for him. 

“Damnit Yeol, you need to take better care of your things” 

Kyungsoo shakes his head a little, but Chanyeol knows Kyungsoo is only saying such things because he cares. 

Chanyeol nods a little, before taking some water, hoping the dizzy feeling would subside a little more by the time they are in the car. 

\---

Sehun was rooming with Chanyeol and he makes it a point to ensure that Chanyeol has all the medication he needs at hand, just in case. He keeps it in the backpack he carries wherever he goes, just for Chanyeol. Chanyeol considers how Sehun was more worried for him then he was for himself. 

The ride there is relatively smooth. Chanyeol doses off while listening to Sehun and Kyungsoo argue about which hair color looked the best on Baekhyun. It’s grey by the way. 

“Yeol, we’re here” 

Sehun nudges Chanyeol a little as he grabs the stuff out from the car, leaving Chanyeol with almost nothing to carry out other than his bottle. 

Chanyeol frowns at that. He knows Sehun was just caring for him. But it was getting ridiculous, Sehun was babying him way too much. 

“Yeol, you okay?” 

Kyungsoo asks seeing Chanyeol groggily step out of the car. 

“Hmm yeah. Just a little sleepy” 

Chanyeol smiles while trying to pull a duffle from Sehun. 

“You look tired” 

Kyungsoo notes, not really noticing the small fight Chanyeol and Sehun were having on who should carry what. 

“Maybe you really need this va-cay, you’ve been looking tired a lot lately” 

Kyungsoo says as a matter of factly. 

“Yeah, I just need a break.”

Chanyeol actually wants the tempo of his life to speed up again. Cancer really messed with his tempo, he just wants to get back to the regular pace of things. 

\---

Skiing goes pretty well, Sehun hovers over Chanyeol quite a bit but lets Chanyeol be when he sees that Chanyeol was having fun. 

It is only when Chanyeol has a pretty bad fall and struggles a bit to get up when Sehun’s worried over protective mode kicks in once again. 

“Chanyeol. Are you okay??” 

Sehun shouts as he was pretty far away when he sees Chanyeol tumble. Baekhyun was actually the first to reach the tall boy. 

“Yeol, are you okay? Nothing hurt?” 

Sehun stops in his tracks. He feels wrong for even being there and witnessing how intimate the scene before him looked. 

Baekhyun crouched down and cradled Chanyeol’s face to look at him. And with the look that Chanyeol was giving Baekhyun, Sehun knows Chanyeol will never admit it, but he can see that his flatmate has at least a small crush on his best friend. 

“I’m okay, just let me sit here for a bit” 

Chanyeol blinks hard and tries not to think about how he is heating up just because Baekhyun cupped his face. 

Baekhyun gives Chanyeol a once over, to check that he was really alright. 

“Yeol, you have to stand up. Your clothes are going to get soaked from the ice, you might catch a cold” 

Baekhyun offers Chanyeol a hand to help him up. 

Chanyeol thinks for a moment before taking Baekhyun’s hand. Chanyeol gives the smaller man a smirk before he pulls Baekhyun onto the ice with him. 

Baekhyun actually topples over on Chanyeol, their faces just inches apart because of Chanyeol’s doing. 

Chanyeol tries not to think about how loud his heart is beating as he grabs a handful of snow and smacks it playfully onto Baekhyun. 

“Yeollllllll, not my gucci sweater” 

Baekhyun whines and Chanyeol laughs out loud.

Baekhyun decides to take revenge so he grabs a fist full of snow and pats it onto Chanyeol’s chest, pinning him further down onto the snow while he is at it. 

Chanyeol looks at Baekhyun who was so close he could feel his breath on his lips. 

Chanyeol considers how easy it would be to lift his head, just slightly, to be able to feel Baekhyun’s warm lips on his. 

There is a pause as they looked into each other’s eyes, without saying a word. 

And then there is a snowball thrown their direction. 

“Guys, are y’all gonna ski or are y’all just going to keep lying around?” 

Chen’s whine could be heard from a few metres away. 

At that, Chanyeol pushes Baekhyun gently off him before they team up to attack Chen with a series of snowballs. 

It soon becomes an all out snowball fight when Xiumin, Sehun and Kyungsoo joins them shorter after. 

Looking at Baekhyun’s smile, Chanyeol laughs, more than he has in a while. 

While playing with snow in the cold, Chanyeol’s heart feels warmer than it has in a long while. 

\---

The second day was going to be a chill one. Chanyeol wanted to go trout fishing. To fish out of a tiny hole in the ice. In all his 25 years, Chanyeol has never caught a fish from ice fishing, and he knew it looked a little ridiculous for a big guy like him to crouch over a tiny hole to fish, but screw it, Chanyeol wanted to do it for the heck of it. 

Chanyeol was all bundled up in his layers but he still felt cold. He hated this. He didn’t use to feel this weak, but then again, he didn’t use to have cancer. 

Chanyeol meets Baekhyun at the hotel guest lobby before they head over to the fishing area. 

They don’t talk about anything important, just about the ride they had getting there and about work. 

Baekhyun looks at Chanyeol hard as they make the 20 minute walk to the fishing rink. 

Baekhyun suddenly stops in his tracks. 

Chanyeol turns to look at Baekhyun, not quite sure what the other man was doing. 

Baekhyun actually takes off his scarf and walks over to drape it around Chanyeol’s neck. 

It’s a small gesture, but Chanyeol’s heart flutters a little at that. 

“You’re cold” 

Baekhyun states, holding Chanyeol’s gaze. 

Chanyeol frowns. In the past, he was the one who would take off his coat for the other man if Baekhyun got cold, it was never this way around. 

“I don’t need your scarf Baek” 

Chanyeol makes a move to take it off, but Baekhyun wraps his hands gently over Chanyeol’s. 

“Keep it on Yeol, you’re shaking” 

Baekhyun gives Chanyeol’s hand a small squeeze before nudging Chanyeol to carry on walking. 

Chanyeol doesn’t think the scarf helps much in keeping him warm, but that small gesture that Baekhyun did to show him he cared sure did. 

\---

About half an hour in, Chanyeol was convinced they were not going to be catching any fish. The ice rink was pretty empty, if not for a few old uncles at the corner. 

This was nice. Sitting here, like this, with Baekhyun. Chanyeol observes Baekhyun as he lowers his rod into the hole again, moving the bait just slightly to try to attract a trout. Baekhyun’s features were just so nice to look at, Chanyeol takes in every second of this moment. He wants to remember this. 

“Damn it, I think all the fish here are frozen” 

Baekhyun jokes, looking at Chanyeol and breaking Chanyeol out of his train of thought. 

“Hmm? Yeah maybe” 

Chanyeol laughs, hoping that Baekhyun didn’t catch him staring. 

Baekhyun tries to lower his rod again, but this time, he starts a conversation with Chanyeol. 

“Yeol, I think I need to apologise” 

Baekhyun clears his throat, trying not to meet the taller man’s gaze. 

Chanyeol scrunches his nose. 

“What? Why?”

Baekhyun had nothing to apologise for. 

“I-I’ve just been a really shitty friend. I’m sorry I don’t see you guys that often anymore” 

It was hard for Baekhyun to admit but work had really made him feel a little distant from his friends lately. 

“You’re not a shitty friend Baek, you’re just busy with work” 

There was no anger in Chanyeol’s words, Chanyeol would love for Baekhyun to spend more time with them, with him, but he knows that work was currently his first priority. 

“Yeah… work” 

Baekhyun sounds sad, and Chanyeol hates that there isn’t much he can do about it. 

“Is there something wrong at work?” 

Chanyeol moves a little closer to Baekhyun, trying to get the other man to open up. 

“My father’s health is not good… He was rushed to the hospital again last week. The doctor said that his heart is weak, if he has another attack he might-” 

Baekhyun was getting emotional, so Chanyeol reaches out and places a comforting hand on his back, rubbing small circles there, the way he knew the other man liked it. 

“He wants me to take over the company Yeol” 

Baekhyun says flatly, looking at the ground. 

Chanyeol knows the stress that comes with being the CEO of a company, it might sound good on paper but he knows it was a hell of a lot of work. 

“I don’t think I’m good enough” 

Baekhyun admits and it breaks Chanyeol’s heart to hear that Baekhyun doesn’t feel worthy of something. 

“That’s nonsense Baek, you are one of the most capable people I know” 

Chanyeol interjects without hesitation, only to have Baekhyun shaking his head at that. 

“I-I’m worried I will let my dad down. I don’t want to disappoint him” 

Chanyeol knows Baekhyun’s relationship with his dad has always been a little shaky, Baekhyun loved his father, but still, there was some distance between the two of them. 

“You are amazing Baek, you could never let anyone down” 

Chanyeol tells Baekhyun, and Baekhyun could see that the tall man meant every word. 

Chanyeol has always been his personal hype man and cheerleader. Baekhyun was always thankful he had a best friend that was so supportive. 

“Yeol, I need to ask you for a favour” 

Baekhyun locks eyes with Chanyeol and Chanyeol holds his breath as the tempo of his heart picks up, unsure of what Baekhyun was going to say. 

“Anything” 

Chanyeol would do anything for Baekhyun. 

“Be my best man at my wedding” 

Baekhyun tells Chanyeol with a weak smile. 

The tempo of Chanyeol’s heart stops, just for a moment. 

He almost forgot that Baekhyun was going to be married soon. He almost forgot that Baekhyun belongs to someone else. He almost forgot that Baekhyun would never be anything more than his best friend. 

“Of course. I mean, do you even have any other friends to do the job?” 

Chanyeol tries to joke, to avoid the way his heart clenches at the thought of Baekhyun getting married to someone who isn’t him. 

“Hey….”

Baekhyun gives him a light punch at his side, smiling. 

“Thanks Yeol, it would mean so much to have you by my side on the aisle” 

Chanyeol wishes he could be on the aisle for a different reason but he nods along to Baekhyun’s words. 

“Will you bring a plus one?” 

Baekhyun lightly nudges Chanyeol as he checks on his bait. 

“Wh-what?” 

Chanyeol is a little taken aback at Baekhyun’s questions, they rarely ever talk about his love life. 

“You know, are you going to bring a date to my wedding?” 

Baekhyun teasingly raises his eyebrows at Chanyeol, for him to get the hint. 

Chanyeol blushes and turns away from his best friend. 

“M-me? No. I’m not seeing anyone Baek” 

Chanyeol tries to busy himself by checking his bait as well. 

“Hmm… It’s been a while since you dated anyone Yeol” 

Baekhyun notes, rather sadly. 

That’s because I only want to date you, dumbass. It’s what Chanyeol wants to say to Baekhyun, but he doesn’t. 

“Haven’t found anyone that I really like” 

Chanyeol lies, because he has, just that the person he found was already getting married to someone else. 

“Hmm? What about that Kai boy?” 

Baekhyun shrugs his shoulders a little, nudging Chanyeol in the process. 

Chanyeol groans internally. Baekhyun was never supposed to know about Kai. Kai, who was Sehun’s dance friend and who he would casually hook up with from time to time. Stupid Sehun for accidentally talking about him in front of Baekhyun that one time. 

“I mean, we’re not like that. He wouldn’t like me” 

Chanyeol wants this conversation to end, like, right now. 

“Hmm? Why not?” 

Baekhyun doesn’t seem to know when to let the matter drop. 

Chanyeol doesn’t want to say it out loud, but he does. 

“Well, I don’t think I am very dateable” 

Chanyeol knows there was some truth to it, and he was pretty resigned to it. 

“That’s stupid” 

Baekhyun stops him. 

“You are very dateable Yeol” 

Baekhyun is looking at him really intensely right now. 

“If you were a girl, I would totally date you” 

Chanyeol lets out a laugh, a rather bitter one. If he was a girl. It was when Baekhyun said things like this, he knew, he would never stand a chance winning Baekhyun’s straight heart. 

“Yeah? Well, Kai is just- um- no. He and me are just friends” 

Chanyeol tries to end the conversation again. 

“I hope you find someone to love Yeol. I want to see you happy” 

Baekhyun looks at Chanyeol again. 

I already found someone to love. You. 

Chanyeol nods, even though he knows that Baekhyun means well but it still hurts to know that Baekhyun will never be his. 

“Yeah? Me too” 

Chanyeol smiles at Baekhyun and they stay like that for a while. 

\---

The second night and last day was going to be spent glamping, which Sehun was extremely against. 

“Hell no Chanyeol. We are not all going to be sleeping in a tent in the fucking cold overnight” 

Chanyeol knows that by ‘we’, Sehun meant him, because while this wouldn’t have been a problem before, Sehun was worried that every small thing was going to bring Chanyeol even closer to death. 

“It’s just one night Hun, you don’t need to go if you don’t want to. I just really want to-” 

Sehun was not taking any of Chanyeol’s BS. 

“Chanyeol, you have cancer. Can you not do stupid things like this that makes me so fucking worried. It is close to negative 10 out there tonight, you are not sleeping out there in the cold” 

Chanyeol pouts. Chanyeol whines. Chanyeol knows that Sehun was not going to let him win this time. 

“Just let me go with Baekhyun. He wants to try it” 

Chanyeol bites down on his lower lip. Chanyeol would do anything for Baekhyun, it was just whipped culture. 

“Chanyeol…. Please don’t, I don’t want you falling ill” 

Sehun tries to reason with Chanyeol, he knows he doesn’t have any rights to tell a grown man like Chanyeol what to do, but he can try. 

“I’ll take care of myself tonight, I promise. I’ll wear extra layers and use all my heat packs, I’ll be kept warm” 

Chanyeol gives Sehun a look and Sehun sighs. 

“Okay, but please be safe.” 

\---

Literally no one else but Chanyeol and Baekhyun were up for sleeping in the middle of the woods, in the freezing cold. Chanyeol doesn’t blame them, because getting to their allocated location, it really was fucking freezing. 

The little tentage house had heating inside, but it definitely was not enough to make Chanyeol and Baekhyun feel warm. But Baekhyun had express interest in trying it out at least in the winter, and Chanyeol would always be up for anything Baekhyun related. 

\---

It was literally too cold to do anything, so Chanyeol and Baekhyun decide to just stay inside the little tent house for the night, rather than to explore the area like they planned to. 

They spend the night just playing a few two player games on their phones and talking before they both decide to call it a night.

Chanyeol was not going to lie. He was freezing. It was way too cold for him to even think about falling asleep when he couldn’t even stop shaking for a moment. 

“Chan, are you asleep?” 

Baekhyun asks from the bed beside him in the dead of the night. 

“No. It’s too fucking cold” 

Chanyeol laughs out, pulling his blanket a little closer to himself. 

“That was what I was going to say” 

Baekhyun complains, regretting his decision to actually come out here to camp in this makeshift house. 

“The heater is already on full blast though” 

Chanyeol says the obvious, knowing there is not much they can do to get warmer. 

“Yea-yeah. Well. I-I mean, do you remember then we watched that show about people trapped in a cave in the winter?” 

Baekhyun sounded a little unsure if he should suggest this. 

“What are you trying to say?”

Chanyeol sits up on his bed to make eye contact with Baekhyun. 

“They kept warm by sharing their body heat” 

Baekhyun raises one of his eyebrows. 

“Wait what?” 

Chanyeol wants to laugh, because there is no fucking way Baekhyun was suggesting what he thought he was suggesting. 

“Can we cuddle? I’m so fucking cold.” 

Baekhyun pouts and Chanyeol thinks that Baekhyun might be the cutest thing he has ever seen in his life. 

“I-I mean. Erm. Well.” 

Chanyeol doesn’t know what to say, because he would love to cuddle with Baekhyun, but he is also scared to be too intimate with the other man. 

“Okay, if you aren’t comfortable forget I asked-”

Baekhyun rubs his neck a little awkwardly. 

“Come here” 

Chanyeol cuts him off and scoots over on his bed so that Baekhyun can crawl under the sheets to join him. 

Baekhyun gives him a small smile before getting comfortable beside Chanyeol on the mattress that was definitely too small for the both of them. 

Baekhyun nuzzles his face into Chanyeol’s chest as he wraps his arms around Chanyeol’s body. Chanyeol doesn’t feel that warm even with Baekhyun there but he considers how this is one of the best feelings in the world. 

“You’re even colder than me” 

Baekhyun whines softly into Chanyeol’s ear. 

“Yeah, you going to help change that?” 

Chanyeol smirks at Baekhyun and Baekhyun hugs him tighter and pulls the blankets closer around them. 

“I’ll try my best” 

Baekhyun scrunches his nose and smiles right at Chanyeol, their face just inches apart again. 

Chanyeol smiles at Baekhyun but shifts his neck a little away so that his heart rate does not pick up. He is pretty sure Baekhyun is so close, he would be able to hear just how fast he makes his heart race if he kept looking at the smaller man. 

“You are so nice to hug Yeollie. I like this.” 

Baekhyun says before yawning tiredly. 

Chanyeol ruffles Baekhyun’s hair a little, like he did when they were younger. 

“I like this too” 

Chanyeol doesn’t think it is all that cold anymore. 

\---

Waking up, Chanyeol realises he has a little problem. He hates his body right now, because Baekhyun was sleeping all but on top of him and Chanyeol was well, kinda really hard. 

Chanyeol hates that of all the days to get morning wood, it was today when Baekhyun wants to sleep on the same bed as him. But then again, Chanyeol considers that the reason when he was hard was precisely because Baekhyun has unconsciously rubbed his body on him throughout the night. 

Chanyeol feels dirty, like he was taking advantage of his straight friend. Chanyeol was so afraid as he looks at Baekhyun stir in his sleep. If Baekhyun realised that chanyeol was getting turned on from this, there was a high chance that Baekhyun was going to be disgusted by him. 

Chanyeol tries to slowly tear Baekhyun off of him, as he does his best not to think about how intimate this whole situation was. 

Chanyeol moves a little more but Baekhyun suddenly stretches, punching him in the face. 

“Ouch” 

Chanyeol doesn’t mean to say it too loudly but he does and it fully wakes Baekhyun. 

“Oh my gosh, sorry Yeol” 

Chanyeol makes a move to hide his really obvious boner but Baekhyun seems to have picked up on his issue. 

Baekhyun eyes Chanyeol’s crotch for a brief second, before pulling away from Chanyeol, creating some distance between the two of them. 

“Baek- I-I am sorry” 

Chanyeol is so embarrassed. He is so fucking embarrassed that his attraction towards Baekhyun was made so fucking obvious because of the betrayal by his body. 

Baekhyun looks at him in the eye and there is a brief pause. 

And to Chanyeol’s relief, Baekhyun laughs. 

“Why are you apologising Yeol, if anything, I’m flattered” 

Baekhyun playfully nudges Chanyeol. 

“Erm” 

Chanyeol clears his throat, not really sure what to say. 

“I’ll like give you some space to settle that” 

Baekhyun winks, moving off the bed to go to the washroom. 

“I’ll take my own sweet time to wash up so have fun. Don’t worry, I’ll knock before I come back in” 

Baekhyun’s hehehe could be heard from inside the toilet as he closes the door behind him, turning on some music. 

Chanyeol’s face heats up. Chanyeol wants to slap himself for even letting this happen. He looks down at his crotch and thinks of how he was going to solve this issue. 

\---

Chanyeol doesn’t want to tell Sehun about it. Even though Sehun probably would find it less funny and more of a cause of concern. 

Chanyeol doesn’t know why he has been so sensitive down there. It really really hurt when he tried to jerk himself off to get rid of his boner, and that shouldn’t be normal. But then again, nothing in his life has been normal after he was diagnosed with cancer. 

Chanyeol was uncomfortable, but he figures he could live with the dull ache he feels down there, so he doesn’t say anything. 

\---

With the awkward situation aside, Chanyeol considers the trip an amazing one. He feels he got the tempo of his life back on track and everything was good, even if it was just in that moment. 

As he said goodbye to Chen and Xiumin, he felt a little sad that this holiday was over so soon. 

As he said goodbye to Baekhyun, he hugged Baekhyun a little longer than usual, not sure when he would even get to see the other man again. Baekhyun holds Chanyeol as close to him physically possible and whispers.

“You okay Yeol? You are still really cold” 

Chanyeol hates how everyone is asking him that lately. He is fine. I mean sure, he was still shivering and sniffing here and there, but he wasn’t going to die from being cold. 

“Yeah, I’m okay” 

If I stay in your arms, I won’t be cold again. Chanyeol wants to say, but he doesn’t. 

“Yeol, we gotta get a move on” 

Kyungsoo calls from the car, and Chanyeol knows that it’s time to go back to reality. It was time to say goodbye to Baekhyun. 

“Bye Baek, take care and see you soon…” 

Chanyeol trails off as he says that, because he knew that Baekhyun was busy. 

“Yeol… This trip was so good. I wish it could always be like this. I’ll make time for you again, I promise” 

Baekhyun frowns, angry that being busy was not something he could control. 

Chanyeol nods and waves before heading into the car to join Sehun. Chanyeol really hopes Baekhyun keeps his promise. 

\---

Chanyeol tells himself he is okay. Chanyeol tells Kyungsoo that he doesn’t need to turn the heater in the car up. Chanyeol tells Sehun not to worry. Chanyeol feels horrible but he doesn’t want to bother anyone and inconvenience anyone in any way.

Chanyeol knew that he might have caught a small cold from sleeping in the tent with Baekhyun, but he doesn’t want to admit it. Because admitting it would mean Sehun was right. It would mean that Chanyeol was weak, that he was weaker than before. 

Chanyeol brushes off Kyungsoo’s comments on how he should see a doctor when he doesn’t stop sneezing in the car ride back. 

Chanyeol brushes off Sehun’s suggestion to see a doctor once they are back, saying he just wants to lie down and rest at home. 

Chanyeol brushes off the alarms ringing in his head to ask for help, because he doesn’t want to come off as weak. 

\---

It was the dead of the night. Chanyeol feels like he can’t breathe, it is so painful that there are tears in his eyes. Chanyeol felt so cold even though the heater was cranked up and he already had so many blankets around him. The ache that he felt down there was now a stinging pain, screaming at him to pay attention to the swell he feels in his most sensitive region. Chanyeol closes his eyes tight, he prays that the feeling will pass, because it feels worse than death. Chanyeol opens his mouth, his throat is so dry, he wants to scream, but he doesn’t even know if he has the energy to. 

“Chanyeol, oh my god, you’re heating up so much. Fuck” 

Chanyeol can hear the panic in Sehun’s voice in his feverish haze. Chanyeol weakly shakes his head as he feels Sehun try to use an in ear thermometer on him. He was freezing, not burning. 

“You’re fever is over 40 degrees. Fuck. I’m carrying you to the hospital okay?” 

Chanyeol doesn’t understand how that is possible. He struggles with what ever strength he has trying to insist for Sehun to put him down and leave him be. But then, he hears the crack in his best friend’s voice. 

“Chanyeol, please, l-let me help you. Oh my god. Please” 

At that, Chanyeol lets Sehun carry him to his car, he remains wordless in the entire journey to the hospital. 

\---

Chanyeol knows that somewhere on the way to the hospital, he passes out, because when he wakes up, he is already attached to an IV drip. Sehun is asleep beside him, worry lines on his face. Chanyeol can see exactly how tired Sehun is. Every second passes painfully slow as Chanyeol looks at how much he made his best friend worry, he feels so bad. 

Chanyeol feels numb. He was not in any pain anymore but he feels worse than he did in his bed. Chanyeol feels stupid. Stupid for thinking that life could go back to how it was. Cancer irrevocably changed the tempo of Chanyeol’s life and now, Chanyeol knows he can’t do anything to fix that. 

Chanyeol tries to go back to sleep, but he finds it hard when he can’t stop the tears that keep falling down his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did quite a lot of research on this topic before starting to write about it, but please feel free to correct me if there are mistakes! thanks for reading!!


	4. Gravity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is the next chapter.

Gravity makes you fall, it’s a natural phenomenon. And when you are falling, there might be people around you who try to help you, who try to stop you from falling. But the thing about falling, is that most times, you don’t actually realise that you’ve fallen til you hit the ground, til you feel the pain. Looking back, Chanyeol considers how he already has been falling, for a while, just that he hasn’t felt it yet. 

Chemotherapy was hard. It was painful and exhausting. Chanyeol felt so drained from it and yet, he had to listen to Junmyeon break the news to him. 

“Your body is not reacting to the treatment as well as we would hope for it to” 

Chanyeol doesn’t know what to say. Chanyeol doesn’t know what to do. Should he start crying? Should start thinking how he wants to spend his last few days? 

“It’s not too bad. Sometimes people take longer for Chemotherapy to take full effect. We’ll just keep on with the same treatment course as of now” 

Chanyeol doesn’t know if there is a point but he nods his head and lets Junmyeon direct him into the room for another treatment session. 

Chanyeol is driven to the hospital by Sehun every Monday and Thursday. Sehun can’t even stay for the whole session because of work, but Chanyeol knows he insists to send him there to show his support for him. And for that, Chanyeol is already extremely thankful. 

Chanyeol doesn’t even feel strong enough to take public transport back home after his sessions anymore. These days, Chanyeol relies on Uber to get around more than he would like to. 

Another thing that worries Chanyeol is his bank account, which is slowly being drained by his medical bills and his more expensive choice of transport as of late. Chanyeol is worried, because he knows he can’t sustain this in the long run. But fuck. Chanyeol isn’t even sure there is going to be a long run. 

It takes a lot to keep it together, to keep himself together. There are days that Chanyeol is so tired that he wants to just break down and cry. There are days that Chanyeol thinks it isn’t worth it to even try anymore, but he still does, because that is how life is. 

\---

Sehun doesn’t know about his financial problems and Chanyeol would rather it be that way. Sehun has already been meddling with so much of his life, taking on his problems as his own, there was no way that Chanyeol could bother the other man any more than he already has.

There was always Baekhyun. Chanyeol knows if he asked, Baekhyun would lend him as much money as he needed. I mean, the amount he needed was probably peanuts to Baekhyun. But Chanyeol doesn’t want to have to rely on Baekhyun for money. He fears that actually. Knowing that Baekhyun is rich, he makes it an important point to never take advantage of Baekhyun’s money. And besides, asking Baekhyun for help would mean telling him the truth, which Chanyeol was definitely not ready to do. 

Chanyeol considers calling his parents, asking them for help. But he knows his relationship with them was still rather strained. His parents were still trying to be okay with the whole coming out thing and Chanyeol didn’t want to have to contact them only now when he needed help, simply because he was still unsure of what his status with his parents at the moment was. 

Chanyeol tells himself he can handle this problem himself. He was an independent man. 

\---

Chanyeol feels like a burden at work. He could tell he was being a burden to Kyungsoo these days and he hates how useless he feels because of this. The bakery was supposed to be owned by the both of them but he knows he hasn’t been carrying his own weight for it these past few weeks. 

“Chanyeol what the hell is wrong with you” 

Kyungsoo rarely snaps so when he does, it is really fucking scary. 

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to-” 

Chanyeol knows he was just too tired. He messed up another order again. This was the 5th time in the past 3 weeks. He knew he just cost them a few hundred dollars for making another wrong batch of buns. 

“Chanyeol, what the fuck is up with you. It’s like your head isn’t even in it these few weeks. Tell me honestly, do you even care about our business anymore?” 

Kyungsoo was mad. Fucking angry. Chanyeol knew Kyungsoo had every right to be. This bakery was supposed to be their baby, their creation, they had put blood, sweat and tears into making it the amazing place it was today. 

“O-of course I care Soo, I care so much” 

Chanyeol feels so bad, and he hated how Kyungsoo was so angry with him. He was so scared when Kyungsoo would get mad at him, Chanyeol realises his hands were shaking. But then again, Chanyeol considers how his hands could be shaking for other reasons. 

“Then fucking act like it. It feels like I’m the only one trying these days” 

Chanyeol bites down on his lip as Kyungsoo leaves the kitchen in a fit of anger. Chanyeol knows Kyungsoo deserves to get angry at him. He was so stupid and careless for messing up such a huge order. But Chanyeol didn’t mean to mess up the order, it was just because he was so tired, so dizzy and his head had hurt so badly, he saw the wrong message and had prepared the order that was meant for next week, today. 

Alone in the kitchen, Chanyeol tries to get started on the order he was supposed to make, but he realised his hands were shaking so much he couldn’t even stir the batter properly. Throwing the bowl he was holding to the side, Chanyeol breaks down for the first time. Baking was the one thing he loved the most. And right now, he couldn’t even do it right. 

\---

Chanyeol hates feeling like he let people down. Chanyeol hates it more when the person he was letting down was Kyungsoo. Chanyeol sucks it up because he wants to do better for his bakery, he wants to do better for Kyungsoo. 

“This is for the swelling, sometimes your prostate area will be sensitive and it will hurt so this will help with that”

“This is for the pain, if you are experiencing any headaches, or extreme pain, this will help ease it” 

“This is for the dizziness, if you feel nauseous, take this and you will feel better” 

Chanyeol knows the amount of medicine he was taking was piling up but he didn’t want to think about it, he wanted to delve his mind into something else to keep himself from thinking about how he was dying. 

\---

Chanyeol tries his best to keep out all bad thoughts, he tries not to think about it, he tries not to worry-

Chanyeol’s heart stops for a few moments as he holds the small clump of hair in his hands. 

Chanyeol’s heart speeds up, he knew this was a possible side effect of Chemo, but he was still so scared. 

Chanyeol never took into account how attractive he was. Looks was never his main priority, but standing in the shower and being hit by the fact that he might lose all his hair, Chanyeol feels a chill go down his spine. 

Chanyeol tries to remain calm but as he runs another hand through his hair, he realises he can pull off another clump of matted down hair from his scalp. 

It breaks Chanyeol, and Chanyeol finds himself sitting on the toilet floor, crying til the water runs cold. 

\---

Chanyeol feels alone. It shouldn’t be this way, but he feels so so scared and lonely in dealing with this. Sehun doesn’t know though, of course he doesn’t. Chanyeol makes sure he is by himself when he has a breakdown. Sehun has already done so much for him, having to deal with his whirlwind of emotions was definitely not something he signed up for when he agreed to be his flatmate. 

So Chanyeol plasters on a smile, he says he is okay, he doesn’t let anyone see how broken he truly is behind it all. 

\---

Chanyeol feels like gravity has been working extra hard these days, because he feels weighed down. Chanyeol feels like it is so hard, so difficult to pull himself up of bed these days. It is even harder to get around, to do things he didn’t have to think twice about in the past. 

\---

It is a Thursday when Chanyeol knows that he is falling. 

Sehun wakes up late and ends up not being able to send Chanyeol to his session. Chanyeol was completely okay with it, but the guilt that Sehun seem to show when he was apologising as he fumbled to get ready, just makes Chanyeol feel like shit. Sehun shouldn’t need to think it was his fucking job to help him. 

Getting to his session, Junmyeon tells him again about how the treatment still isn’t really as effective as they would hope it would be. Chanyeol was already kind of resigned to his fate, but hearing it said by his doctor before every treatment makes Chanyeol question if there was even any point in continuing the Chemo, especially if he was going to suffer so much from it. 

The session hits harder than Chanyeol expected. Chanyeol doesn’t know why he feels so much more drained that day. He finds it almost impossible to even get up when the dizziness hits, and to make matters worse, he left his medicine all at home. He asks if the nurses could administer him some on the spot, but apparently it was a violation of hospital policy. And since Junmyeon was currently on his rounds, he was not there to help him. All the nurses could do was offer him a bed to rest in for a bit, which Chanyeol begrudgingly accepted, only because he knew he was on the verge of collapsing. 

Chanyeol wakes up in a fright, because he realises he overslept the 5 alarms that he set. He was supposed to be up at 12 so that he would have more than enough time to get to work but he only gets up at 1:10 when a nurse tells him that his phone was ringing. 

Chanyeol sees that Kyungsoo was calling him. Fuck. He was already 10 minutes late for work. 

“Chanyeol, where are you? I told you that we had a fuck load of orders today, so where the fuck are you when I need you?” 

Chanyeol knew Kyungsoo was mad, he had reminded him so many times that this particular Thursday was important because they had so much to do, and Tao didn’t have the time to come down to help. 

“I-I’m on my way, sorry, I overslept” 

Chanyeol hears how shitty an excuse it is and he could tell that Kyungsoo was on the verge of snapping on the other line. 

“Get your ass here now” 

Chanyeol hears the line go dead, and he knows that he fucked up. 

Chanyeol tries to jump out of the bed he was on, ignoring the concerned look that the nurse beside him was giving. 

It was only when he stood up, when he realised exactly how faint he felt when the light headedness hits him like a train. 

“Are you okay? Do you need more time to rest, you can stay as long as you need” 

The nurse looked worried as she reached out to support him. Chanyeol hated it.

“I-I’m good. I should be going”

Chanyeol smiles weakly, trying to stabilise himself as he grabbed his things and headed out of the room. 

\---

Chanyeol only makes it to the bakery at 1.45 and by then Kyungsoo was fuming. Chanyeol had wanted to grab the medication he kept in his locker to help ease the pounding in his head, but as soon as he walks in, Kyungsoo was already yelling at him. 

“I need you to deal with the honey bread order, 120 honey bread, all with extra butter” 

Kyungsoo didn’t even look him in the eye. Chanyeol could tell that Kyungsoo was mad as hell at him. 

Chanyeol makes a move to go to his locker but that seems to irritate Kyungsoo even more. 

“Now Chanyeol, someone is coming at 5 to collect all the orders and we haven’t made shit” 

Kyungsoo was kneading the dough at hand harder than necessary and it scared Chanyeol. 

Chanyeol took a deep breath, he closes his eyes briefly, trying to muster whatever strength he had to just power through to the end of the day. 

\---

Chanyeol doesn’t even know how he does it. He considers it could be a mix of not wanting to let Kyungsoo down and wanting to prove it to himself that he was strong, but he finishes the order in time. 

Kyungsoo wasn’t happy but he didn’t seem too angry when he brought the packaged buns to the front of the shop to pass it to the man that was there to collect it. 

Chanyeol was not going to lie, he really wanted to lie down and rest. His whole world was spinning and his hands were mildly shaking again. His head was still pounding and with every second he was up, the pounding seemed to get worse and worse. 

“You can take the next batch out of the oven and then we can clean up” 

Kyungsoo had instructed him with a simple task before he left to deal with the delivery. And yet, Chanyeol wasn’t sure he could do it. Chanyeol thinks he should sit down, he thinks he should rest for a bit. But his heart clenches hard as he thinks of how mad Kyungsoo would be if he doesn’t do as he is told. 

The ding he hears from the oven reminds him that he has to do his job, or the buns will get burnt, or Kyungsoo would get mad. 

Chanyeol uses sheer will power to open the oven and get the buns out. Taking the tray out, he realises the tray felt heavier than normal. 

The thing about falling is you don’t really realise you’ve fallen til you actually hit the-

The heat on the hot tray hitting against his arm should really hurt. The fall should hurt as well. But the only thing that Chanyeol could think about was how mad Kyungsoo was going to be that he ruined a batch of perfectly good buns. 

Chanyeol didn’t mean to fall. The dizzy spell was just too bad. He momentarily felt a wave of weakness overtake his body, leaving him without the strength to carry a tray of buns, or to even carry his own body weight. 

Chanyeol could feel the heat of a few scorching hot buns over the thin surface of his clothes, slowly burning him, but he didn’t even have the energy to hit them off his body. He didn’t even have the energy to move, much less get up. 

Chanyeol can hear footsteps running. And then there is a scream. 

“Chanyeol? Chanyeol, w-what the fuck” 

And Kyungsoo is running over to him. Chanyeol closes his eyes. He doesn’t want Kyungsoo to be mad at him. He doesn’t think he could take his day getting any worse than it already was. It was already taking everything inside of Chanyeol to keep himself from breaking right there and then. 

Kyungsoo immediately picks up and throw the hot buns there were still covering Chanyeol’s body aside, before trying to help the taller man up. 

“C-Chanyeol? What the hell happened?” 

Chanyeol can’t get up. He doesn’t have the strength to. He doesn’t even have the strength to really answer Kyungsoo right now. 

“S-sorry Soo, I’ll pay for the buns, I’m sorry for fucking up” 

Chanyeol was on the dirty kitchen floor, doing whatever he could to keep himself together. 

“Fuck. Chanyeol. I don’t give a fuck about the fucking buns. You’re scaring me.” 

Kyungsoo is small but he uses all the strength he has to pull Chanyeol up. 

Chanyeol lets Kyungsoo manhandle him onto the couch in the other room, and he is surprised that the smaller man was even able to support 90% of his weight in the move there. 

Kyungsoo helps Chanyeol lie down on the couch, carefully removing the other man’s hair net before gently brushing Chanyeol’s hair out of his face. 

The fear starts to bubble inside on Chanyeol again. His hair. 

“Soo, please don’t. Please don’t touch my hair right now” 

Chanyeol mumbles, and Kyungsoo is taken aback at Chanyeol’s request. Chanyeol used to love it when he playfully nuzzled his head. 

Kyungsoo decides to hold Chanyeol’s hand instead. Which he can see was shaking. What the hell was even going on.

Kyungsoo uses his smaller hands to wrap around Chanyeol’s. They’re cold. Too cold. 

Kyungsoo lightly traces a red mark on Chanyeol’s skin. That was from the hot buns. It has to hurt. 

“Soo, c-could you do me a favour?” 

Chanyeol doesn’t want Kyungsoo to know he is taking medicine, he always made it a point to do it in secret. But right now, Chanyeol is close to tears from the pain and the dizziness. 

“Anything Yeol” 

Kyungsoo murmurs softly. 

“My locker. The grey bag, help me get the box of eclipse inside” 

Chanyeol instructs weakly. Kyungsoo raises an eyebrow. Sweets? Chanyeol damn near collapses and he wants to be eating sweets right now?

Kyungsoo grabs the bag for Chanyeol but wants to say something as he passes the box of eclipse to Chanyeol. 

“Yeol, I don’t think a mint is going to help you right now” 

Kyungsoo can see Chanyeol struggling to even open the box of candy and it pains him to realise how tired his friend looks. 

“T-this isn’t a box of mints” 

Chanyeol doesn’t want to have to explain anymore than he does. 

Kyungsoo doesn’t understand but when Chanyeol finally manages to open the small box, he can see that the contents are obviously not sweets but medicine. 

Chanyeol reaches for his bottle, but he is shaking so much he can’t even open his bottle. 

Kyungsoo takes the bottle from him before helping him up to help him drink. 

Chanyeol downs 3 pills at once before he drinks a large mouthful of water with Kyungsoo’s assistance. 

“Chanyeol, what’s going on? You’re scaring me” 

Kyungsoo helps to put the box and the bottle at one side. 

“Please Chanyeol. Please tell me the truth” 

Chanyeol wants to lie. He wants to tell Kyungsoo he is fine. He wants to keep this all a big secret, so he keeps quiet. 

“Chanyeol, I can’t help you if you don’t help me help you” 

Kyungsoo gently pats Chanyeol’s shoulder, hoping the taller boy would let him in. 

Chanyeol takes a deep breath. 

“Soo, I’m fine” 

Kyungsoo was starting to get mad. 

“Yeol, what are you talking about. I’m quite sure people who are fine, don’t pass out in the middle of doing things”

Kyungsoo wanted the truth, even if he had to pull it out of Chanyeol. 

Chanyeol remains silent. He really didn’t want to rope Kyungsoo into this whole mess. 

“What is this?” 

Kyungsoo lifts up the eclipse box. 

“What is in this box?” 

Kyungsoo was desperate for an answer. An answer that Chanyeol was unwilling to give. 

“I-it’s nothing. Sorry Soo, today won’t happen again, it was a one time thing-”

Chanyeol tries to brush off the whole situation but there was no way in hell Kyungsoo was going to let this go. 

“Chanyeol. Stop. I hate this. I’m not going to just drop this whole thing. What? You think I can just pretend that everything’s okay right now when it’s obvious that it isn’t?” 

Chanyeol doesn’t know why Kyungsoo’s words hit him so fucking hard. Everything was not okay. Chanyeol didn’t know how to deal. He was so tired of acting like everything was okay. 

Chanyeol closes his eyes, trying to hold back his tears. 

Kyungsoo sighs. Seeing that Chanyeol was refusing to open up, he tries to change his approach to this situation. 

“Chanyeol, please, I j-just, I just want to help”

Chanyeol breath hitches. He didn’t want to break down in front of someone else, but here he was, losing it in front of Kyungsoo. 

“Chanyeol, please, don’t cry. What’s wrong? P-please just tell me how I can help” 

Kyungsoo never felt more helpless when he saw Chanyeol break down. 

Chanyeol tries to stop himself, but the more he tried, the more violently he cried. This was all too real. He was going to die and no one was going to be able to help him. 

Kyungsoo brings himself nearer to Chanyeol and holds him close, hugging him as close as possible. 

“Shhh, Chanyeol. Please breathe. There’s nothing too big that can’t be solved okay” 

Chanyeol shakes his head at that. This was a problem no one could solve. Kyungsoo was rarely wrong, but Chanyeol knew the other man was this time. 

Kyungsoo reaches out and gently cards his fingers through Chanyeol’s hair again. A gesture he was used to. 

“Soo, please stop touching my hair. Please” 

Kyungsoo really doesn’t understand. 

“Why?” 

Kyungsoo asks simply, pulling his hand back. Before he realises there are quite a few loose strands of hair on his fingers. 

Kyungsoo looks at small clump of Chanyeol’s hair he held in his hands and it was like the puzzle pieces were all coming together. 

Chanyeol shakes his head. He knows once he opens his mouth, his problem was going to be Kyungsoo’s problem as well. 

“I-I’m scared all my hair is going to fall out” 

Chanyeol shakily admits and Kyungsoo hugs onto him tighter. 

“C-chanyeol what’s going on?” 

Kyungsoo is afraid to ask. He has his suspicions but he is so scared to be right. Kyungsoo prays that the sinking feeling in heart is wrong, he never wanted to be more wrong than right now-

“I’m scared the chemo is going to make my hair all fall out” 

Chanyeol’s words hit Kyungsoo hard. He was suddenly made aware about the gravity of the situation. 

“C-Chemo?” 

Kyungsoo was afraid to ask again. He had to be joking. No. 

“I-I have prostate cancer, stage 3, and i-it’s not getting better” 

Chanyeol’s voice breaks a little. 

Kyungsoo is wordless. 

Kyungsoo feels like he is falling. He thinks back to the warning signs he should have been able to pick up on. He had fucking yelled at Chanyeol for not focusing, when looking back, it was because Chanyeol was tired, Chanyeol was sick, Chanyeol had cancer for fuck’s sake-

“I hate you” 

Kyungsoo had tears in his eyes now. 

“What the fuck” 

Kyungsoo presses his face into Chanyeol’s chest. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” 

Kyungsoo was holding onto Chanyeol so tight, he was so scared that chanyeol would disappear if he let go. 

“I want to do a good job for our bakery Soo, I-I’m so sorry I let you down so many times.” 

Chanyeol was sorry. He didn’t want Kyungsoo to feel bad. 

“Chanyeol. Shut up. You’re being a fucking idiot right now. You’re sick. You should be resting. You should be recovering. You should be here carrying tray after tray of heavy fucking buns” 

Kyungsoo was so angry at himself. He pushed Chanyeol so hard, to the point that Chanyeol’s body just gave up on the job. 

Chanyeol shakes his head. 

“Baking is the one thing I love the most. Please d-don’t take it away from me. Please not this” 

Chanyeol sobs, pleading his smaller friend. 

“Chan- Fuck- I’m not saying you can’t bake. But fuck- If you need some time off, you can tell me. You can take as many days off as you want to rest. And I think you need it.” 

Kyungsoo was so angry at Chanyeol, that he would let it get to this point. 

“I don’t need to take a break. It’s just my body didn’t react too well to today’s session. It’s usually not this bad-” 

Kyungsoo didn’t know he could get any angrier at himself, but hearing that Chanyeol literally dragged his ass from a chemotherapy session to work to get yelled at really made him snap. 

“Today? As in, you came here from the hospital?” 

Kyungsoo was trying to keep himself together, he wishes he heard wrong. 

“Y-yeah. I was feeling really bad, like I was going to faint so I took a nap there but I accidentally overslept my alarm. I-I’m so sorry Soo” 

Kyungsoo looks at Chanyeol and his expression is unreadable. 

Kyungsoo really starts crying. And Chanyeol doesn’t know what to do. They were two grown ass men, well into their 20s, but there they were on a couch in a bakery, crying. 

“S-soo, did I, did I make you upset?” 

Chanyeol doesn’t know what else to say. 

Kyungsoo bites down on his lower lip. 

“Why didn’t you tell me earlier Yeol? I could be here for you. Fuck. I should have been able to tell. But all I did was shout at you and tell you how you were doing a bad job” 

Kyungsoo couldn’t stop the tears that were falling from his face. He was the world’s worst friend alive. 

“It’s not your fault Soo. I’m sorry I did a bad job, I deserved to be shouted at” 

Chanyeol says as a matter of factly. 

“Stop. Chanyeol. Fuck. Stop apologising. I should be the one saying sorry. You have cancer. You shouldn’t be shouted at for things out of your control” 

Kyungsoo looks at Chanyeol and Chanyeol nods, just slightly. 

“I’ll talk to Tao, see if he can come in on more days, you just take some time off to rest okay? 

Kyungsoo suggests, meaning the best. 

“It’s not that I want you to stop baking. I just want you to come when you are feeling good enough to. Please, please, not when you feel like you are already going to pass out” 

Kyungsoo was so firm in his tone that Chanyeol doesn’t want to argue but he does because he has another cause for concern. 

“Soo, I-I need to come in. I can’t afford to work less hours” 

Chanyeol knows that while resting did sound good, his medical bills were not going to be paid for if he didn’t work. 

Chanyeol doesn’t need to go on more for Kyungsoo to understand what he was getting at. 

“You took out about ten thousand for the starting of our bakery. I’ll return it to you first. Chanyeol, take that money and go get your treatment okay. Don’t worry about money right now, please” 

Kyungsoo and Chanyeol had both took out money from their life savings for this bakery to be a success. While money wasn’t very important to Kyungsoo because his family was well to do, he knew that Chanyeol’s circumstances were very different. 

“I-I can’t do that. This bakery was supposed to be both of ours and if you give me back my money then-” 

Chanyeol was getting emotional again. He didn’t want Kyungsoo to be kicking him out of their partnership. Cancer already took so many things away from him, if he was going to lose this too, Chanyeol didn’t know how he was going to deal. 

“This bakery will always belong to the both of us. I’m not kicking you out Yeol” 

Kyungsoo thinks it is stupid he even has to explain this to Chanyeol. 

“Where else am I going to find another C to replace you” 

Chanyeol knows Kyungsoo meant the C that stood for his name in “K and C Bakery”. 

Kyungsoo gives Chanyeol a small smile. 

“Chanyeol, I care so much about you. And fuck. I didn’t even know you were struggling. Please, let me help you with this at least. This bakery will always be here for you to come back to, just take some time off and focus on your health. Please” 

Kyungsoo clasps Chanyeol’s hands, hoping his words go in. 

Chanyeol was really touched. Kyungsoo was always the strong one who rarely showed emotions, but it was times like this, he knew the smaller man loved him so much. 

Chanyeol nods before thanking his friend. 

\---

Kyungsoo calls Sehun telling him what happened and how he was going to send Chanyeol back. 

And once they get to Chanyeol’s place, Chanyeol knew that after they tucked him in, they were going to have a long chat, without him. 

\---

So Kyungsoo now knows. Chanyeol finds it difficult to accept but it could be worse, it could have been Baekhyun that found out. Chanyeol never wants that day to come. He doesn’t know how he could deal with that. 

\---

Chanyeol makes an agreement with Kyungsoo and Sehun. 

He agreed to stop going to the bakery on days that he was getting treatment. And he would only go if he felt well enough on the days after his treatment days. 

Chanyeol knows his friends were worried, and he was doing his best to lessen their worries about him.

\---

Chanyeol knew that Kyungsoo loved him. But it was ridiculous that Kyungsoo told him that he thinks Chanyeol would look good even if he shaved his head. 

Chanyeol considers himself average looking, but he knew his hair made a difference. 

“No one would willingly shave their head. Soo, I won’t look good” 

Chanyeol made a casual comment and he didn’t think Kyungsoo would read too much into it but he was wrong. 

Kyungsoo comes to visit him with his favourite food in hand the next day, ready to show off his newly shaven head. 

“See? Nothing wrong shaving your head” 

Kyungsoo cocks his eyebrow at Chanyeol and Kyungsoo sounded so casual and lowkey smug, but Chanyeol wants to cry. 

It was such a simple gesture but it meant so much to Chanyeol because he knows Kyungsoo is a man of little words but big actions. He shaved his head to show support to Chanyeol. 

Chanyeol hugs Kyungsoo and Kyungsoo might seem nonchalant about it but it doesn’t stop him from hugging Chanyeol back, as tight as he possibly can. 

\---

Chanyeol doesn’t shave his head, but he opts for a much shorter haircut. He doesn’t think he looks very good, but Sehun and Kyungsoo tell him he does. 

“Wait, did I miss something?? Why is everyone and their mom cutting their hair short?” 

Baekhyun had commented in their group chat. 

“I wanted to look like an egg” 

Kyungsoo rarely says anything in the chat but when he does, Chanyeol knows it is always sarcastic and hilarious. 

“You already looked like an egg before you shaved your head” 

Chen savagely replies. 

“I wanna rub your head tho” 

Xiumin adds to the conversation. 

“I rub it all the time and it feels gooooood” 

Sehun rubs it in. 

“Yeol, you look good with ur hair short tho, gonna get all da boyzzzz;)” 

Baekhyun’s stupid comment shouldn’t make his heart so happy, it shouldn’t make him forget that he’s falling, it shouldn’t make him feel so confident but it does. 

“He looks better in real life tbh” 

Sehun helps Chanyeol reply and Chanyeol knows, he knows his flatmate knew about his feelings for Baekhyun. 

“I wish I could see it right now:(“

Baekhyun replies. 

Chanyeol wishes too, but he doesn’t voice it out loud. 

\---

Chanyeol knows he is still falling, but with Sehun and now Kyungsoo, his days are made better. 

It is another Thursday and Chanyeol doesn’t feel very well, but this time, he is at home, resting. 

He gets a text from ‘Baekie’ and his heart lights up. 

“I was at K and C just now, but you weren’t there?:(“ 

Chanyeol is sad he missed the chance to see Baekhyun. 

“Why were you there” 

Chanyeol hates how they went from texting every day to a rare text once awhile. 

“I ended a meeting nearby” 

Chanyeol was ready to text something back when he gets another message. 

“I dropped by cause I missed you”

Chanyeol smiles like an idiot at his phone. 

Gravity makes you fall, it’s a natural phenomenon. Chanyeol is falling and Chanyeol knows that. The people around you can’t stop you from falling, Chanyeol knows that too. But even so, Chanyeol recognises that sometimes, if you’re lucky, you will meet some people who can help make the fall feel all the less painful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Almost halfway there, I think I just decided on the way I am going to end the story. Feel free to let me know what you think:)


	5. Ooh la la la

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, there is a trigger warning for this chapter so please read with caution!
> 
> Trigger warning: Dubious con - having sex after the consumption of alcohol and also dub con because of other things. 
> 
> Stay safe reading!

New message from: ooh la la la  
“Hey I’m back from Japan, can we meet?” 

Chanyeol stares at the message for a brief moment before throwing his phone to the side. 

Today was a bad day. Chanyeol was in pain, and having sex was probably the last thing on his mind. These days, Chanyeol finds his sex drive lower than it has ever been, he is barely able to go about his day doing simple things, much less find the energy to fuck someone. 

Chanyeol tries to sleep away the dizziness that carried over from his treatment earlier that day. Kai, could wait. He didn’t need a reply right away. 

It is only hours later when Chanyeol checks his phone again. 

New message from: Baekie  
“Me and Taeyeon finally picked a day. 12th June” 

Today was a bad day. Chanyeol was in pain. Seeing that message just made his day so much worse, his heart hurt so much more at just a simple text. 

Chanyeol opens his contact list and scrolls, before crafting a simple message. 

To: ooh la la la  
“How about tomorrow?”

Chanyeol sends the message before he throws his phone to the side, willing himself not to think about the message that Baekhyun had sent him. 

\---

Chanyeol thinks it is funny how he even met Kai. Sehun was even more surprised to realise that he and Kai have kind of a special arrangement. Sehun dances in a local dance team, and while he is good, Sehun treats it as just a hobby. Kai, on the other hand, is a professional dancer, and Chanyeol could see exactly why when he first watched the other man move. 

To put it simple, looks wise, Kai was a billion percent Chanyeol’s type. I mean, Chanyeol believes that guy or girl, no one could deny that Kai was hot. But Chanyeol also knew that from the start, that was all the attraction he would probably have for the other man. 

Chanyeol never expected the other man to show interest in him, to be honest, Chanyeol felt that Kai was just playing with him at first. 

They met at a dance competition. Sehun was performing and Chanyeol wanted to show his support. Chanyeol tries to spot Sehun in his group performance but he realises he couldn’t take his eyes off the very handsome man in the center. There was just something about the way he moved that captivated Chanyeol and made it impossible for Chanyeol to focus on anything else but him. 

Kai had already caught his eye then but it was during his solo stage of an EXO song, ooh la la la, when Chanyeol lost it. Chanyeol rarely felt such a strong visual attraction for anyone but watching Kai dance, Chanyeol was drawn. 

Sehun’s team won, of course they did. And they all wanted to go to celebrate. Chanyeol was not exactly friends with everyone on the team but Sehun insisted that he came along as well. 

It was only after a few shots, that Chanyeol finally admits to Sehun that someone on his team caught his eye. Sehun, who enjoyed meddling in Chanyeol’s life way too much, immediately gets excited and tries to step in. 

“Who is it?” 

Sehun demands to know, wiggling his eyebrows. 

“I’m not going to tell you” 

Chanyeol sips on his cranberry vodka quietly. 

“Please? I won’t even tell him” 

Sehun begs. 

Chanyeol continues to look away, fearing that Sehun could read through him. 

“Is it Taemin?” 

Sehun probes. 

“Who is he again?” 

Chanyeol actually doesn’t know what the name of the guy he finds hot is.

“He was the one that was wearing a choker” 

Chanyeol shakes his head, the hot dancer boy was not wearing a choker, in fact he was not wearing much clothing. 

“Oh my god, I think I know who” 

Sehun’s jaw drops a little as he looks around the room for the man he was talking about. 

“What- who?”

Chanyeol thinks it must be impossible for Sehun to know, there were over 20 guys in his team. 

“Him” 

Sehun points to a man who looks about their age, maybe slightly younger, who looks oddly familiar. He has a boxy smile, and he styled his hair in the same way that he knew Baekhyu-

“No” 

Chanyeol instantly shuts that part of his brain off. 

“Damn, I thought it was surely V, that seems to be your type” 

Sehun takes a tequila shot and Chanyeol tries to ignore what Sehun was insinuating. 

“Yeah, well, it’s not him” 

Chanyeol says, turning away, when he accidentally makes eye contact with the man. The really hot man. 

Chanyeol instantly breaks eye contact and turns back to Sehun. 

“What? Did you see him?” 

Sehun picks up on Chanyeol’s weird gesture. 

“Um” 

Chanyeol nervously drinks more of his drink. 

Sehun takes that as a yes so he looks around and sees Kai looking in their direction. 

“Ooh” 

Sehun pulls Chanyeol a little closer. 

“The guy in the blazer?” 

Sehun asks, wiggling his eyebrows. 

“I don’t know what you are talking about”

Chanyeol’s face starts to heat up. He was not going to talk about this with Sehun. 

“Oh my gosh, it totally is him” 

Sehun smiles smugly. 

“Shut up. Don’t say anything alright?” 

Chanyeol doesn’t want to make Sehun’s friends uncomfortable. To them, he is Sehun’s straight flatmate, he doesn’t want them acting weird around him if they knew he had a stupid infatuation for one of them. And he doesn’t even know if that man swung that way, he didn’t want to make a straight guy feel uncomfortable. 

“I won’t say anything” 

Sehun pats him on the back. 

\---

The rest of the night was rather chill, Sehun introduces Chanyeol to a lot of his dance members, and Chanyeol finds them all to be friendly and welcoming. They even joked about Chanyeol joining their dance team until Chanyeol shows them a demo of his ‘best’ dance moves that has everyone in stitches. 

“I’m going to the washroom okay?” 

Sehun pats Chanyeol on the shoulder as he gets up, checking if Chanyeol was alright being left alone with his other friends. 

Chanyeol was quite a social guy so he simply nods before he continues his conversation with a boy called Jimin about which BTS song was the best. 

Chanyeol knew he drank a little bit too much, especially when he accidentally blurts out how he thought the leader of BTS was hot a f and could get it any day. 

Jimin didn’t seem to mind though, he just laughed at Chanyeol’s comments, as if they were normal things to say to someone you just met. 

Chanyeol downs the rest of his drink and was ready to pour more, when a hand grabs the bottle of vodka he has his eyes on and he hears a deep voice ask him. 

“Could I help you pour a drink?” 

Chanyeol looks up from his seat and it’s the hot boy. Fuck. 

“W-what?” 

Chanyeol almost chokes, not really knowing how to address the other man. 

The hot man laughs nervously and rubs his neck a little awkwardly. 

“Umm, well, I have been thinking about coming over to talk to you for a while now but I didn’t know how to start a conversation” 

Fuck. He was cute too. Chanyeol’s eyes widen a little. Surely this was a joke right. 

Seeing that Chanyeol didn’t respond, Kai makes a move to ask another question as he takes the seat next to Chanyeol. 

“You are Sehun’s friend right?” 

Even in his drunken stupor, Chanyeol can piece the puzzle together. Fuck. Sehun probably said something to the man before he headed to the toilet. 

“Y-yeah. I’m so sorry. L-look, I’m sorry if Sehun said something to make you want to come h-here. I don’t want to make you f-eel uncom-fortable or anything” 

Chanyeol knew he was a little gone, tripping over words his words as he tried to explain himself to the other man.

The other man simple cocks his head to the side, unsure of what Chanyeol was saying. 

Chanyeol feels uncomfortable, so he makes a move to stand up and get away from the whole awkward situation, but he realises he had way too much to drink. As he gets up, he finds himself not really able to support himself properly. 

“Hey, are you okay?” 

The hot man puts his arms on Chanyeol’s shoulders to stabilise him. Jimin who was talking to someone else also looks back to check on Chanyeol. 

“I-I’m fine” 

Chanyeol tries to pulls away from the hot man, because there was no way that man was actually interested. 

“I think you should sit down” 

The hot man says gently, trying to direct Chanyeol back onto the seat. 

Chanyeol uses more force now to pull himself away from the other man. Fucking Sehun and his meddling. 

“No, I-I needa go”

Chanyeol tries to make a quick escape but he stumbles and almost falls flat on his face if it wasn’t for the hot man who catches him and holds him closes to his warm body to support him up. 

Chanyeol’s heart was racing. Because fuck. This hot guy’s body was all but pressing up on him. Chanyeol could feel his muscles flexing underneath the under man’s shirt, and would want nothing more to be able to see those muscles flex for a different reason-

“I’m so sorry” 

Chanyeol tries to put a respectable distance between him and the hot man, fumbling awkwardly with his hands. Chanyeol tries not to think so much about how much the other man was turning him on.

The hot man stares at him briefly, before smiling. 

“You’re cute” 

The hot man smiles even wider. 

“What’s your name?” 

Chanyeol was taken aback. Because what the hell. The hot guy was way out of his league. 

“L-look, I’m not sure what Sehun said to you, about me thinking you’re hot or whatever, but you don’t need to act interested in me. It’s really okay-”

The hot man cuts him off. 

“I haven’t talked to Sehun since we left the competition venue. But what is this about you thinking I’m hot?” 

Chanyeol can’t believe he just outed his true thoughts right here. But the hot man was smiling and he did mention he found Chanyeol cute. 

“Wait. S-so you really think I’m c-cute?”

\---

Chanyeol thinks it is dumb that the two of them could spend the night together and not even get each other’s name by the end of the night. The sex was amazing though, better than Chanyeol has had in a long while. 

The hot man leaves a note on the motel bed for Chanyeol before he leaves. 

“Thanks for an amazing night;) Call me if you ever want round 2” 

Chanyeol sees the number that was scribbled below the message. Chanyeol was definitely keeping his number, seeing that this was one of Chanyeol’s best lays ever. It was just that Chanyeol had no idea what the man’s name was. Chanyeol decides to save the man’s name as ooh la la la on his phone, well, until he finally gets it from the other man when they next meet. 

\---

Chanyeol likes to think that his relationship with Kai is a healthy one. They were friends, they were clearly good friends, who sometimes fucked. It was a mutually beneficial friendship and Chanyeol was really okay with how thing between them were. 

Sehun might have been pretty against the whole Chanyeol getting a friend with benefits idea at first, but seeing that he knows that Kai is good guy, Sehun decides to let it slide. 

\---

Chanyeol enjoys spending time with Kai. To be more specific, Chanyeol likes to spend time with Kim Jongin. Kai is the persona Jongin puts up on stage, during performances, sometimes in bed. Jongin, was a soft boy who was caring as a friend. Jongin was a soft boy who would cuddle with Chanyeol after sex and hear him talk about his problems and how his days usually are. Jongin was a soft boy who loved Chanyeol, and would try his best to make Chanyeol happy. 

\---

Chanyeol hasn’t seen Jongin in a while. To be exact, Chanyeol hasn’t seen Jongin since he has been diagnosed with cancer. Chanyeol doesn’t think it would even matters to Jongin. Jongin hits him up for sex, Jongin wouldn’t really care about his life issues. I mean sure, he does ask Chanyeol how he is doing from time to time, but Chanyeol knows he does it out of formality. It is kinda rude to just leave right after you’ve thoroughly fucked someone anyway. 

\---

New message from ooh la la la  
“I’ll pick up your favourite pizza and come by at 6?;)” 

Chanyeol considers telling Jongin that he can come earlier because he is not even going to work the next day, but he doesn’t want a scenario when Jongin actually asks him why he isn’t working anymore, so he keeps his mouth shut. 

“Okay, see you”

\---

Chanyeol hated his body. Lately, he doesn’t have much appetite to eat. He used to be able to wolf down bowl after bowl of rice, but these days, it is a miracle if he manages to keep half a bowl of food down. Chanyeol used to enjoy working out. He would head to the gym at least three times a week, but now, he barely has energy to make it from his bed to the washroom, much less lift weights. 

Chanyeol hated how his body currently looks. Chanyeol has never been 100% confident about his body but he used to think he looked good. He used to think he looked strong. Chanyeol hated how weak he felt. And he hated how weak he currently looked. 

Chanyeol is worried to be honest. That Jongin would mention something about it, that he would comment something that would break him even more. 

\---

It’s another bad day. 

Chanyeol wakes up feeling dizzy and barely makes it to the washroom before he is throwing up last night’s dinner. 

Sehun was worried, but these days, Sehun was always worried. 

“I can take the day off, look after you” 

Sehun tells Chanyeol taking out his phone, ready to call in to take leave. 

“No, I’m good” 

Chanyeol mumbles, over the porcelain bowl. He wasn’t good, but it wasn’t bad to the point he needed Sehun there by his side. If Sehun was going to take a day off every time he had a bad day, Sehun might as well quit his job. 

“Are you sure?” 

Sehun asks Chanyeol this almost daily and Chanyeol hates it. 

“Yeah, Jongin is coming over later” 

Chanyeol casually mumbles, wiping his mouth with some toilet paper. 

Sehun frowns, and he looks like he wants to say something, but he doesn’t. 

“Are you really up for that?” 

Sehun decides to ask instead. Sehun knows exactly what Jongin comes over for and right now he doesn’t even know if Chanyeol can handle it. 

Chanyeol groans. Sehun was worried that he was so weak he couldn’t even have sex. That was what his life has become. 

“Yeah, I am”

Chanyeol doesn’t mention how it was still very sensitive down there. Chanyeol ignores his brain telling him, screaming at him not to do it. Chanyeol listens to his heart instead, his heart telling him to do something to stop the hurt left by Baekhyun. 

Sehun takes a deep breath, and sighs. 

“Okay. Have fun” 

Sehun was worried, but these days, Sehun was always worried. 

\---

True to Jongin’s word, he arrives at 6. In his hand he holds an extra large pepperoni pizza, which Chanyeol thinks his old self would have gone crazy for. Jongin also brought a paper bag which he passes to Chanyeol on his way in. 

“This uh-h, this is for you” 

Jongin smiles and rubs his neck a little. 

Chanyeol raises an eyebrow at that. 

“Is this a present?” 

Jongin smiles and points to the bag, trying to get Chanyeol to open it. 

Chanyeol opens it and sees a giraffe shirt, there are words written on it in Japanese. 

It’s cute. 

“What’s this?” 

Chanyeol laughs taking it out. 

“It says ‘the air up here is fresher’ in Japanese.” 

Jongin beams. 

“I uh- I saw it and thought of you” 

Chanyeol gives Jongin a small smile. 

“Oh. Thanks, I like it” 

Chanyeol moves to put the shirt away but Jongin stops him. 

“Wait, there’s more” 

Jongin points to the bag again, egging Chanyeol to look inside one more time. 

Chanyeol can’t believe his eyes when he sees it. 

“No fucking way. This is not possible-” 

Chanyeol takes out the limited edition one piece figurine that he has been trying to purchase online for months. 

“How? What? This is not possible-”

Chanyeol holds it up and shakes his head in disbelief. 

“I found a resale shop in Japan. Bought it at a good deal” 

Jongin tells him casually but this means so much to Chanyeol. 

“It has to have cost you quite a bit. I-I can’t accept this” 

Chanyeol tries to pass the gift back to Jongin. 

“I bought it for you. Keep it. Please. I mean what else am I going to do with it?”

Chanyeol doesn’t know what to say. 

“Thank you Jongin. This means the world to me.” 

Chanyeol smiles at Jongin. 

“Don’t mention it” 

Jongin smiles back. 

\---

Chanyeol offers Jongin a drink. 

They usually start heating things up after both of them were a little tipsy. 

“Vodka please, make it a double” 

Chanyeol raises an eyebrow at Jongin. 

“Did something happen in Japan?” 

Chanyeol was a little concerned for Jongin. 

“Hmm? Nah. Was thinking we could just drink to my win” 

Jongin gives a smug smile. 

“Oh- oh my gosh, I’m sorry. It completely slipped my mind-”

Chanyeol feels like shit. Fuck. The competition that Jongin went to Japan for. He completely forgot. He didn’t even wish Jongin good luck. But well, to be fair, he has had quite a lot on his plate recently. 

“Yeol, it’s fine. Everything went well”

Jongin takes the drink from Chanyeol and clinks his glass against Chanyeol’s. 

Chanyeol gives Jongin a forced smile. He still feels bad. Jongin wouldn’t admit it, but he had hoped the other boy would have remembered. 

Chanyeol downs his drink, all in one shot, earning him a look from Jongin. 

“Woah, did something happen to you?” 

It was Jongin’s turn to ask, seeing how fast Chanyeol was drinking when he knew he was a little bit of a lightweight. 

“I’m good. All’s fine” 

Chanyeol lies through his teeth, hoping the effects of the alcohol would kick in soon to numb some of the pain he was still feeling. 

It has been a while since Chanyeol drank. He really needed it today though. Baekhyun called in the afternoon, and Chanyeol realised it was because he forgot to reply the other man. Chanyeol hates how he had to fake happiness for the other man for 20 minutes over the phone as Baekhyun used his lunch break to call him and tell him about his wedding. Chanyeol felt empty and he was hoping that alcohol would make him feel just a tad fuller and complete. 

Jongin pours himself and Chanyeol another drink. 

“Let’s toast then, to everything being good” 

Jongin smiles widely. Chanyeol smiles back before raising his glass. If only Jongin knew. 

\---

Chanyeol was hot. He blames it on the asian flush. But he knows it was partly because Jongin was turning him on. But a bit of fear bubbles in Chanyeol. It hurt down there, in his groin region. He doesn’t know if he could get it up-

Chanyeol tries to focus. Focus on Jongin. On how Jongin’s body was amazing. Jongin’s body was toned and sculpted so amazingly, it was definitely a work of art. 

Jongin puts on the song that he knows Chanyeol likes. 

Ooh la la la. 

Jongin wants Chanyeol to get into the mood. 

Jongin wants Chanyeol to feel good. 

Jongin helps Chanyeol out of his shirt, and he pauses to look at the taller man briefly. 

Chanyeol’s breath hitches. He is worried Jongin was going to say something that would make him hate his body even more than he currently does. 

Jongin simply places small kisses on his chest and tells Chanyeol that he is beautiful. 

Chanyeol leans into Jongin’s touch, it’s been awhile since they did this, but it feels familiar. 

Jongin takes off his jeans before slowly pushing Chanyeol onto his bed, helping him to make work in taking off his sweatpants as well. 

Jongin finds it a little odd that Chanyeol was not the very least hard from this. 

“Baby, how do you want it?” 

Jongin coos, wanting to please Chanyeol. 

“Just do it however you want” 

Chanyeol mumbles, letting Jongin take full control. 

“You want it rough?”

Jongin asks, because he knows that was how Chanyeol liked it in the past. 

Chanyeol nods, before letting Jongin have his way with him. 

Jongin palms Chanyeol over his underwear, rough, but not too aggressively. Jongin sees that is more difficult than usual to make Chanyeol even show signs of arousal. 

Jongin finds a few things off, but he can’t put a finger on it. 

“You okay Yeol?”

Chanyeol nods his head. He was really tired of people asking him that. Yes. Yes, he is. 

\---

There were a thousand warning signs that Chanyeol should have paid attention to. 

Chanyeol knew, deep down, that he should not be having sex, not when his prostate region was already so sensitive and so swollen to begin with.

Chanyeol tries to take it. Chanyeol tries to let Jongin at least finish, because this is what he came for. Chanyeol doesn’t want to be that guy that cries during sex. But it hurts. It hurts so fucking much. 

Chanyeol clenches his fingers so tightly that his nails are digging into his skin, drawing a bit of blood there. Chanyeol feels so sore down there, but he doesn’t want to tell Jongin to stop. So as Jongin continues pounds violently into him, he closes his eyes, praying that Jongin doesn’t last much longer. 

And then Jongin cums in him. 

Chanyeol was numb. 

Chanyeol thinks it is possible that he experienced so much pain, that he became numb to it. 

Because as Jongin lies on top of him telling him how amazing that felt, Chanyeol feels nothing but emptiness. 

But then, Jongin pulls out and Chanyeol wants to scream. The pain suddenly increases tenfold and there are tears in Chanyeol’s eyes. Chanyeol doesn’t know what to say. Chanyeol hates his life. Chanyeol can’t even fucking have sex like a normal person anymore. He can’t even have sex without feeling extreme pain. It was too much for him to handle. The pain, the emotions, the thoughts about Baekhyun, the thoughts about dying-

Jongin wants to help Chanyeol get off, now that he was done, but he realises Chanyeol’s dick was limp. And Chanyeol was crying, sobbing at this point. The fear that bubbles up in Jongin scares him shitless. 

“C-chanyeol. Oh my god. Did I-I hurt you?” 

Jongin pulls away. Not knowing what to do because Chanyeol was shaking. Chanyeol was crying. 

Chanyeol can’t respond. It just hurt so much. He needed to lie down for a while. He needed a while for the pain to subside. All he could do was closes his eyes and try to block out the pain. 

“Fuck Yeol. Are you in pain? I-I’m so sorry. I was too rough with you” 

Jongin was blaming himself and he feels so guilty that Chanyeol was in so much pain. 

Chanyeol uses whatever energy he could to shake his head. 

“Chanyeol what can I do to make you feel better right now?” 

Jongin was so worried and frantic, he felt really helpless at a time like this. 

“H-help me elevate my pelvis”

Chanyeol weakly mumbles, remembering that this was a way Junmyeon mentioned to take pain off of that area. 

Jongin instantly takes a pillow and gently lifts Chanyeol to arrange him in a way his lower abdomen was liften.

Chanyeol takes deep breaths, trying to calm down, trying to not think about the pain. 

Jongin rubs circles into his shoulder and Chanyeol is thankful for that because it helps him take his mind off the pain, just briefly. 

\---

It takes almost 20 minutes but Chanyeol is finally coherent enough to speak now that the pain was not as bad anymore. 

“How are you feeling now?” 

Jongin mumbles, unsure if Chanyeol was up for talking yet. 

Chanyeol nods briefly. 

“Better. A-a lot better” 

Chanyeol takes another deep breath.

“I-I’m so sorry Chanyeol. I hurt you. I should have kept asking if it was okay. I should have made sure you were prepared enough. I should have been softer and more gentle with you-” 

Jongin was rambling at this point. Chanyeol knew it really wasn’t Jongin’s fault. It was his body’s own fault for fucking up. 

“Jongin. It’s not your fault, please stop apologising” 

Chanyeol feels bad. Jongin had come here for a good time, not to deal with his inability to have sex. 

“What are you talking about Chanyeol? It is obviously my fault. I caused you so much pain.” 

Jongin had lines of worry on his face, he had felt so bad. 

Chanyeol frowns. He hates that Jongin was blaming himself. It wasn’t Jongin. It was his fucked up body. It was his fucking body that had to get prostate cancer of all cancers, so right now he couldn’t even enjoy one of the simplest pleasures of life anymore-

“Chanyeol, why are you crying? Is it still very painful? I can carry you to a doctor.”

Jongin runs a hand through his hair, extremely worried that Chanyeol was still experiencing pain because of him. 

At that, Chanyeol shakes his head violently. 

“N-no. No doctor, please” 

Chanyeol was insistent on not seeing a doctor, he was tired of seeing doctors. 

“Okay baby, no doctor then.” 

Jongin coos, moving down to rub Chanyeol’s head. 

“P-please don’t touch my hair” 

Chanyeol closes his eyes. He doesn’t want Jongin to know. Because he knows he will lose Jongin. Jongin was only friends with him for the sex. If Jongin finds out that he can’t have sex anymore, that means-

Chanyeol doesn’t mean to break down. But he does. He just can’t stop crying. Even when Jongin whispers beautiful words to him, even when Jongin holds him tight, even when Jongin kisses him softly. 

“Chanyeol, what’s wrong? Please tell me how I can help you” 

Jongin was at a loss. Chanyeol has never acted this way before. This was all so new that Jongin didn’t know exactly how to react. 

“J-Jongin. I-I”

Chanyeol can’t begin to explain why he is feeling this way. 

“J-Jongin you can just leave. I-I’m sorry today wasn’t g-good.”

Jongin frowns hard. 

“Chanyeol why are you apologising” 

Jongin wanted to punch a wall. He had hurt Chanyeol in bed and Chanyeol was apologising for today ‘not being good’? 

“I f-fucked up. My body fucked up”

Chanyeol says simply and he closes his eyes shut. 

“What do you mean Chanyeol?”

Jongin was so confused, he only wanted to help but he didn’t know how to. 

“It hurts so much. It hurts so much down there” 

Chanyeol cries out. 

“Chanyeol, I’m taking you to the hospital” 

Jongin can’t stand to see Chanyeol in this much pain, he has to do something. 

Chanyeol struggles against Jongin’s attempt to lift him.

“N-no. Please don’t move me right now. I-t’s been hurting for a while now”

Jongin takes a step back. 

“Chanyeol, I really don’t understand” 

Jongin bites on his lip, sitting on the edge of Chanyeol’s bed.

“It hurts almost everyday now. It’s just always so swollen there. And I was stupid for thinking I could still have sex. But it already made me lose so many things. I just didn’t want to lose you too.”

Chanyeol knew he had to say something to Jongin. He didn’t want Jongin to think he was in pain because of him. But Chanyeol also knew that once he did tell Jongin the truth, he would lose the other man.

“Chanyeol, what are you saying? Why would you lose me?”

Jongin shakes his head, eyes growing impossibly wide. 

“Because it hurts when I have sex. Because I have prostate cancer” 

Chanyeol finally admits. 

There is silence. 

Chanyeol expects Jongin to leave. He expects Jongin to grab his stuff and go. He expects Jongin to get out of the room and never contact him ever again-

Jongin cries. He cries and cries, and Jongin is a beautiful man but he is a very ugly crier. 

Jongin holds Chanyeol, careful not to hurt him. 

“Fuck. I’m so sorry Chanyeol. I’m so so sorry” 

Jongin is apologising and Chanyeol doesn’t understand. 

“You are so much more than sex to me” 

Jongin admits and Chanyeol doesn’t understand. 

“Chanyeol, I love you.”

Jongin loves Chanyeol and Chanyeol doesn’t understand. 

Chanyeol doesn’t understand why Jongin is still here. 

“Jongin? You can leave. You don’t need to stay with me. Our arrangement won’t work if I can satisfy you-” 

Jongin gets mad. 

“Chanyeol, I fucking love you. Do you not understand?” 

Jongin doesn’t know what else to say to make Chanyeol get it. 

Chanyeol shakes his head. 

“I can’t have sex anymore” 

Chanyeol’s voice breaks. 

“It was never just about the sex”

Jongin’s voice is soft. 

“You are so amazing Yeol, so many things about you, I love you so much” 

Chanyeol starts to get it. Jongin loves him. Jongin loves him that way he loves Baekhyun-

“J-Jongin, I-I can’t” 

Chanyeol knows it is not fair to Jongin. He has cancer, he doesn’t know how much time he still actually has. And he knows he is already in love with someone else, Jongin deserves better. 

“H-how bad is the cancer?” 

Jongin changes the topic. He is afraid to ask.

“Stage 3”

Chanyeol mumbles. 

“But it’s not getting any better” 

Chanyeol thinks that that sounds better than saying it is getting worse. 

Jongin holds back his tears. 

“Let me be here for you” 

Jongin pleads. 

“Let me care for you”

Jongin begs. 

“Let me love you.”

Jongin wants Chanyeol to let him in so badly. 

“I-I, but. It won’t be fair for you” 

Chanyeol says it simply. He doesn’t want to lead Jongin on, Jongin deserved so much more. 

“Because you don’t love me back?”

Jongin know he hits it right on the bullseye because Chanyeol doesn't reply.

“Is it still Baekhyun?”

Jongin knows Baekhyun has been the one in Chanyeol’s heart for the longest time. 

Chanyeol doesn’t say anything but he nods. 

There is a pause. 

“I’m sorry Jongin” 

Chanyeol feels bad all over again. 

Chanyeol expects Jongin to leave. He expects Jongin to grab his stuff and go. He expects Jongin to get out of the room and never contact him ever again-

“Chanyeol…” 

Jongin mumbles, because he knows, Baekhyun was still with someone else, that Baekhyun was still straight. 

“You deserve someone who will love you and treat you right” 

You deserve me. Jongin wants to say, but he doesn’t. 

Chanyeol nods, but doesn’t say anything. 

Jongin doesn’t leave. He stays. He helps clean Chanyeol up, he helps to prepare a meal for Chanyeol that is more nutritious than the pizza he brought, he helps tuck Chanyeol in, before making Chanyeol promise to call him again soon. 

\---

Chanyeol looks at his phone blankly. 

Chanyeol stares at the contact ooh la la la. 

Chanyeol considers deleting it, never speaking to Jongin ever again. 

But he remembers the last thing Jongin said to him.

“Please allow me in Yeol. Even if it is just as a friend, I want to be here for you”. 

Chanyeol clicks on the contact. He deletes the words ooh la la la and replaces it with Jongin. 

New message to Jongin:  
Thanks for taking care of me yesterday. We should talk on a day that I feel better. 

Chanyeol knows because of cancer, he lost a fuck buddy, one of the best lays in his life. But at the same time, he gained a good friend, one who wanted to be there for him, one who wanted to cared for him, one who loved him. Chanyeol just wished he could love him back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would love to hear what you guys think!


	6. Damage

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I rewrote this chapter quite a few times before finally deciding to put it as this. I hope you like it.

Chanyeol thinks he is a little damaged and he doesn’t know how to fix it. 

His days are okay. He finds himself thankful, and so lucky (despite the fact that he has cancer) to have friends who just care so damn much. 

Jongin comes over alot. They don’t do much together, they mostly just cuddle and watch netflix but these days, Chanyeol feels that is all he can do. 

Chanyeol doesn’t know if it is normal to feel this way while going through chemo, he doesn’t know if it is normal to feel like he is dying. 

He doesn’t have the strength to do much anymore and it scares him when he finds himself unable to do the simplest of things alone. 

\---

Chanyeol doesn’t want more people to know. It is like a secret that he fears people finding out. He is grateful that his friends care for him, that they worry that they want to ensure he is okay at all times. But,the thing is, Chanyeol hates being treated like a child, he hates that they look at him like he is fragile, he hates that they treat him the way that he feels, damaged. 

\---

“We are going to increase the dosage of the medicine we’re giving each session” 

“We think it could be better for you” 

“Some patients actually find that the change is more effective” 

“Don’t give up hope just yet” 

Chanyeol stares blankly as Junmyeon says all these words to him. 

Side effects of cancer? Dying. 

Side effects of being damaged? Chanyeol no longer gives a fuck.

Sehun cares though, Chanyeol sits there as Sehun asks a million questions. Chanyeol doesn’t know what to say.

\---

Chanyeol soon finds out increased dosage simply equates to increased pain. 

Jongin picks Chanyeol up from every session, and Chanyeol is thankful because he doesn’t know if he can even make it safely to the car without Jongin there to half carry him down in that short distance from the treatment room to the carpark. 

Chanyeol has a lot of bad days. 

And on his bad days, he breaks, just slightly. 

\---

Chanyeol hates that the first time he breaks in front of someone else is in the bakery, in front of Tao.

Chanyeol only goes to the bakery on his best days. Days when he feels the closest to normal, the days that he can pretend, if only for a few hours, that he isn’t damaged, that he isn’t dying of something that can’t be cured. 

Tao knows that something wrong. He tries and tries to crack it with his 18 year old brain, but he just can’t put his finger on it. 

“Hyung ah, why don’t you come down as often anymore?” 

Tao wonders out loud one day when it is just him and Chanyeol in the room. 

“Hmm?” 

Chanyeol was caught off guard, he doesn’t know what to say. 

“Kyungsoo hyung said you are too busy these days to stop by much”

Tao continues as he stirs his batter. 

“What are you busy with Hyung?” 

Tao pauses briefly before looking at Chanyeol. 

Chanyeol panics for a moment, he doesn’t have a good answer. 

“I-I was thinking of going back to school, getting my masters”

Chanyeol lies. And he thinks it is a pretty shitty lie at that. 

Tao’s mouth forms a small ‘o’. 

“It must be tough Hyung!! Don’t work yourself too hard!”

Tao says with a smile. 

“Kyungsoo Hyung was talking about how tired you seemed recently.”

Tao casually tells Chanyeol while pouring the batter onto the tray.

“If you’re tired you should rest okay Hyung? You don’t need to come down if you need some time off. Kyungsoo Hyung is worried”

Tao locks eyes with Chanyeol. 

“I’m worried too” 

Chanyeol wants to cry. He even made an 18 year old could worry for him. Chanyeol tries to quickly finish stirring the batter so that he can make a quick escape, but his hand slips and he spills a little onto the counter. 

“Are you okay Hyung?” 

Chanyeol quickly blinks the tears that are in his eyes away. 

“Hyung?”

Tao puts the tray in his hand down, seeing that Chanyeol was obviously not okay. 

“What’s wrong?” 

Tao moves nearer to Chanyeol. 

Chanyeol shakes his head. He was the hyung here, he was supposed to be the strong one. 

Tao hugs him, seeing that Chanyeol was visibly shaking. 

“D-did I say something wrong Hyung?” 

Chanyeol shakes his head, Tao didn’t say anything wrong. He just felt so helpless, so damaged and he didn’t know what to do. 

“Hyung, it’s okay, it’s going to be okay” 

Tao comforting him should make him feel better but it makes Chanyeol want to break down more. 

“Hyung, there isn’t a problem too big, there isn’t anything that can’t be fixed. You were the one who told me that. Remember?” 

Chanyeol thinks he was wrong. There are problems that are too big. Some things once damaged, can’t be fixed. 

“I-I need to go” 

Chanyeol mumbles, trying to get away. 

“Hyung? Hyung!” 

Tao calls out to him, but Chanyeol had already left. 

\---

The second time Chanyeol breaks in front of someone was on a bad day disguised as a good one. 

Chanyeol thought he was well enough to leave the house. 

Chanyeol thought he was well enough to eat dinner with Jongin in a nice restaurant. 

Chanyeol thought he was well enough to pretend that he was okay and that everything was alright. 

Well, Chanyeol thought wrong. 

Chanyeol feels dizzy only after eating a few mouthfuls of his food but he doesn’t want to tell Jongin. Because Jongin had been the one who happily told him that he wanted to bring him here. Jongin had been so excited when Chanyeol said he was up for leaving the house for dinner. Jongin had just wanted a normal dinner, why was it so hard for Chanyeol to give that to him? 

Chanyeol tries to stomach his food. Chanyeol tries to pretend it is okay. Chanyeol tries to act like the pounding in his head isn’t making him feel like he is going to black out at any moment. 

But then another dizzy wave hits. 

Chanyeol has to put his cutlery down and close his eyes tight, willing the pain to pass. 

“Channy, are you okay?” 

Jongin was using that tone again. 

Chanyeol nods and tries to act like nothing is wrong. But Jongin can see right through him. 

“Chan, we can go back if you aren’t feeling too well.” 

Jongin was so worried. 

Chanyeol shakes his head. Jongin hasn’t even finished half of his meal. 

“Come on Yeol, I can go get the bill okay. And then I’ll drive the car around-” 

Jongin seems to have made the decision already and Chanyeol feels so helpless, so useless. The bubbling anger at himself for fucking up, for not even being capable of one simple meal suddenly fizzles wildly within him. 

“No” 

Chanyeol demands. 

“Chanyeol…” 

Jongin was torn. He wanted Chanyeol to go back to rest but right now, Chanyeol was so insistent on them staying.

“Jongin, you’re not even done with your food” 

Chanyeol says flatly. 

“It’s alright. I can make something else later. What matters is you get to go back and rest if you’re not feeling well” 

The words were said obviously out of concern, Chanyeol knows that, but it hurts because it serves as a reminder that he is so sick, so damaged that nobody can even treat him normally anymore. 

“Chanyeol, did I say something wrong?” 

Jongin sees a tear slip down Chanyeol’s face and then another and then another. 

“Baby, what’s wrong?” 

Jongin was so scared. He gets up to move over to Chanyeol’s side. 

“I’m never feeling well anymore” 

Chanyeol admits. And Jongin hugs him. 

Chanyeol shakes. 

There are eyes on them. Stares. But Jongin doesn’t care. 

“Let’s go home, let me take care of you” 

Jongin puts out his hand for Chanyeol to take it. 

Chanyeol tries to get up by himself but he finds himself too weak to stand up properly without shaking. 

It really breaks him. 

Jongin steps forward. 

“We’re going back okay? Everything is going to be okay” 

Chanyeol doesn’t want to hear Jongin’s lies. Everything was not okay, and nothing was going to be okay for a while. 

Chanyeol wants to push Jongin away, wants to tell Jongin that it is embarrassing that he can’t even walk, that is so fucking sad that a grown man in his 20s can’t even go through a proper meal without his body fucking up because he has cancer. It’s not fair. It’s not fair because Chanyeol thinks back at his life and he doesn’t know what he ever even did wrong in his life to deserve this. At this point, Chanyeol isn’t even scared of death, it is this process of dying that Chanyeol is scared of, because he doesn’t know how much more he can take. 

“Chanyeol? Chanyeol, you’re really scaring me. Baby, please” 

Jongin doesn’t know what to do because Chanyeol’s gaze is unfocused and he is crying so hard that his whole body is shaking. Jongin tries to pull Chanyeol up but Chanyeol swats him away when he gets near. 

They were causing a scene. And people were really staring at this point. 

“Sir, I’m sorry, is there a problem I can help you with?” 

The waitress asks cautiously, knowing that Chanyeol was extremely emotional right now. 

Jongin runs a hand through his own hair. 

“I’m sorry, could you just give my friend a moment to calm down”

At this point, there is a rude man at the side who starts to gets angry. 

“I come here to have a nice dinner with my wife after a long ass day at work and now I have to deal with a grown ass man throwing a tantrum?”

Jongin was furious. He was about to to punch that man if he had to. 

Everything made Chanyeol want to cry louder, cry longer. There just wasn’t a point anymore. 

“Sir, could you please calm down” 

The waitress tries to tell the aggressive man to sit back down and not make matters worse. 

“Me? I’m calm. You should be asking that baby there to shut it” 

Jongin slams down on the table at that. 

“You better shut your fucking mouth, before I make you shut it” 

Jongin was about a head taller than the man, he knew he could break this old man’s back if he wanted to. 

The man doesn’t seems to care about that fact because he continues. 

“I’ll shut it when your loser of a friend stops his nonsense. If you can’t handle your emotions like a man maybe you should stay home?”

Jongin loses it. He walks right up to the man and the whole restaurant holds their breath, thinking that Jongin was going to throw a punch at him. 

But he doesn’t. 

“You try going through Chemotherapy twice a fucking week only to be told it isn’t really working, let us see how well you cope after that” 

Jongin spits in the man’s face. 

And the man’s face falls. He felt like a fucking asshole and he sure looked like a fucking asshole. People start whispering among themselves and Jongin was pretty sure what he did was ten times better than punching the man because he could see that the guilt the older guy was experiencing would probably eat at him for a while. 

The man shuts up and takes his seat. People start staring at the man rather than Chanyeol. 

“We’ll go okay? Let’s go back” 

Jongin uses his softest voice to tell Chanyeol, before proceeding to help Chanyeol up again. To his surprise, Chanyeol doesn’t fight him this time. Jongin considers it a small win until he hears what Chanyeol mumbles under his breath. 

“The man was right. I should have stayed at home” 

Jongin’s heart clenches. It took so much to convince Chanyeol to come out and one asshole had to ruin it.

Jongin doesn’t say anything but he holds Chanyeol a little closer to him on their way back to the car. 

\---

Of course Jongin tells Sehun. Because Sehun at this point was like his mom, speaking of whom, Chanyeol realises, still has no idea that he was dying. 

Sehun knows this won’t do. Chanyeol needed help. Not just help that they could offer, but professional help. 

But Chanyeol doesn’t want help for his mental health. There wasn’t a point when his physical health was currently the one in peril. 

“Please Chanyeol, it won’t hurt for you to talk to someone” 

Sehun pleads and begs for Chanyeol to listen to him just this once. 

Chanyeol shakes his head. He doesn’t see the point. These days, he rarely sees a point in anything anymore.

\---

The pain hurts so much it pulls Chanyeol out of his sleep. This wasn’t the first time but this time, it was different. Chanyeol was sweating so much and he was wet. His bed was not just damp but drenched. Chanyeol’s face heats up because he soon realises that he had wet his bed. Chanyeol wants nothing more than to hide under his covers and cry but he was so sticky, his bed was covered in his own urine, his head was pounding and it hurt so much down there. 

Chanyeol takes a deep breath. He wants to break down again, but he decides to find Sehun instead. 

\---

“Chanyeol?”

Seeing Sehun stir from his sleep with his hair sticking out in various angles made Chanyeol feel so bad. 

“C-chanyeol, hey, is there something wrong?” 

Sehun suddenly realises that there could be a problem and that was why Chanyeol was waking him up at 3:20 in the morning. 

Chanyeol tries to keep it together but he just felt so stupid. 

“I-I accidentally wet my bed” 

Chanyeol’s voice breaks a little as he admits. 

Sehun immediately throws his legs off the bed.

Chanyeol expects Sehun to laugh, to make a joke, to tell him how stupid it is that he is a grown man but he can’t even hold his damn bladder-

“Hey, it’s okay Chanyeol” 

Sehun tells him instead. 

“You go take a shower? I’ll help you get some new clothes and I’ll help you change your sheets” 

Sehun suggest, walking slowly towards Chanyeol, as delicately as he possibly could. 

Chanyeol already feels like a burden. He wants to just listen to Sehun’s suggestion, but right now, his world was spinning and he doesn’t know if he can even stand upright in the shower if he made his way there right now. 

“I-I… I’m just really dizzy right now, I don’t know if I can…” 

Chanyeol knows there are tears in his eyes, he knows when he blinks, the tears start oozing out again, he knows he was just so useless right now, that he couldn’t even take care of himself. 

“Chanyeol… You just sit down for a while okay? It’s okay” 

Sehun touches Chanyeol’s hand softly, pulling him to his chair for Chanyeol to sit. 

Chanyeol doesn’t want to dirty Sehun’s chair. His pants were soaked through in his own piss, he was dirty and sweaty, and he was already inconveniencing Sehun at three thirty in the morning. 

“I’I’m really… dirty” 

Chanyeol explains, face heating up again, he was so embarrassed that this had even happened. 

“It’s okay” 

Sehun assures, helping Chanyeol down. 

“Okay, I’ll go get your medicine and some water. You rest here for a bit then I’ll help you to the shower to take a bath okay?” 

Chanyeol felt so dependent on Sehun. He really didn’t know what to do if he didn’t have Sehun. 

“I’m so sorry Hun” 

Chanyeol doesn’t know what else he can say. 

“No, stop apologising Chanyeol” 

Sehun pats him softly on the shoulder. 

“And please, don’t feel bad or embarrassed” 

Sehun gives his hand a small squeeze before leaving the room. 

\---

It’s not like Sehun has never seen Chanyeol naked. They used to take public showers together in High School and University after gym. But Chanyeol was still embarrassed that Sehun literally has to help him to the shower, help undress him and wait patiently by the side as Chanyeol rinses off. Sehun offered to literally bathe him but Chanyeol’s pride had it’s limits too. 

“Just sleep in my bed tonight okay?” 

Sehun tells Chanyeol as he helps him out of the bathroom. 

Chanyeol feels horrible. He was being a burden to Sehun again. 

“I-I can just sleep on the couch” 

Chanyeol suggests, knowing that Sehun’s bed was definitely too small for the both of them. 

“No… Chanyeol. Just sleep with me” 

Sehun was worried. He wanted Chanyeol right beside him so if anything happened, he could be right there. 

“Please? Just for tonight?” 

Sehun actually pleads, he just needed to know Chanyeol was okay tonight. 

“O-okay” 

Chanyeol nods his head and Sehun smiles. 

Sehun hugs Chanyeol tightly to sleep and Chanyeol likes the warmth that was coming from Sehun’s body. It’s been a really long time since he felt so warm, these days, he feels cold constantly. It felt nice. 

“I love you Chanyeol” 

Sehun whispers into his ear. And Chanyeol’s breath hitches. 

“I would do anything for you” 

Sehun continues. 

“Please, don’t give up, because it would really hurt me if you ever do” 

Sehun’s voice breaks just slightly.

Chanyeol closes his eyes shut. He closes it so tight because he was scared that he was going to cry. Sehun has been putting up such a strong front these few weeks, being strong for the both of them, but he knows this was probably mentally draining for the other man as well. 

“I-I’m so sorry Sehun” 

Chanyeol doesn’t know what to do other than apologise these days. 

Sehun shakes his head and holds Chanyeol closer, tighter, more desperately, like this is the last time he has the chance to. 

“Why are you saying sorry?”

Sehun closes his eyes. Afraid that he was going to cry as well. 

Chanyeol shivers and takes a deep breath.

“Because I don’t… I don’t know if I can do this much longer” 

Chanyeol was so tired. He wants this feeling to end. He wants the pain to stop. 

Sehun shakes his head. 

“You have so much to live for Chanyeol, please, please don’t give up” 

Sehun never thought he would have to have a conversation with one of his closest friends about this, like this. 

“I-I’m just tired Hun. And- I’m scared. I can’t even look after myself these days” 

Chanyeol knows his eyes were red and puffy but there were no tears, he feels so empty. 

“I’m here Chanyeol. Please.You don’t have to be scared, I’ll take care of you” 

Sehun begs. 

Chanyeol knows he has been relying so much on Sehun these days. But he was still scared, scared that he would push Sehun past the point of no return with his constant need for someone to look after him. It wasn’t not Sehun’s job to care for him, or cook for him, or take him to the doctor or fucking change him when he wets himself-

Chanyeol cries. 

“You-u didn’t sign up for this. I-I’m so sorry” 

Chanyeol sobs, now trying to pull away from Sehun weakly. 

“Chanyeol…. The day that I asked you to share your colouring box with me in 2nd Grade, I signed up for this. The day you stood up for me when a bully tried to take my money in 5th Grade, I signed up for this. The day you held me when I got dumped in first year of college, I signed up for this. I signed up for all of this because you’re my best friend and I love you. I love you so much Chanyeol. Right now, it’s a little hard, it hurts a lot right now and things don’t seem too good. But it’s okay, it’s normal to feel a little damaged. But, you got to believe that even though you are a little damaged, you can still be fixed” 

Chanyeol cries even harder. 

“I-I don’t think I can ever be fixed” 

Chanyeol admits, voice shaking. 

“Not alone” 

Sehun looks at Chanyeol. 

“But with friends, with people who are equipped to help you, with people who love you and are here for you” 

Sehun wipes away the tears that leaked out of his eyes away. 

“We can help fix you”

Chanyeol knows Sehun was right. That pushing the people who wanted to be there for him would only hurt them more, he needed to let people in if he wanted to be fixed. 

“I-I’ll think about it” 

Sehun knows Chanyeol was referring to the suggestion about seeing a therapist. 

Sehun hasn’t been this happy in a long time. 

“Thank you Chanyeol, thank you for trying” 

Sehun hugs Chanyeol so tightly again. 

Chanyeol doesn’t know when his life became like this. When his friends would be so happy, so excited when he just promises them that he won’t give up hope. 

They don’t say anything more. But they don’t have to. Chanyeol nuzzles closer to Sehun, taking in the love that one of his best friends have to offer him. 

Chanyeol thinks, just for a moment, that though he is a little damaged, maybe he can still be fixed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this will be damage pt 1 because I was thinking of how to continue this chapter and decided to do a pt 2 for this after I think it through! Sorry for the late update!!


	7. 24/7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, sorry for the long wait! Here is a new chapter, I hope you guys will like it.

Chanyeol was in pain 24/7. 

When Chanyeol was in pain, he tries to think of something, anything that would help him take his mind off of the pain. 

Chanyeol tries to think of the things that make life worth living.

Chanyeol finds himself thinking not of things, but of people.

Sehun. Chanyeol thinks about how lucky he was, to have someone like Sehun in his life. Best friend. That was what Sehun had called him. And while Chanyeol used to think that Baekhyun was his one and only best friend, he feels that Sehun has long deserved that title as well. Sehun has done way more for him than he can ever repay. When he thinks about Sehun, he thinks about gratitude and how thankful he is to know someone like Sehun, how thankful he is to have Sehun here to take care of him, how thankful to have Sehun as a best friend.

Kyungsoo. Chanyeol spends a lot of time thinking about his happiest memories. Kyungsoo, although grouchy most of the time, was in a lot of those. Chanyeol had a soft spot for the small man who had one of the biggest hearts Chanyeol has ever seen. Chanyeol thinks of how he used to spend hours talking about his future with Kyungsoo, of all the times they used to come out with recipes for new buns together. When Chanyeol thinks of Kyungsoo, he thinks about luck, how lucky it was that they were so different in so many ways, but still able to click so well with each other, how lucky they shared the same goals in life, how lucky they were to be friends. 

Jongin. Chanyeol can’t forget Jongin. Oh Jongin. If the circumstances were different, he felt, that maybe, just maybe, he could be happy with Jongin. Jongin was nothing short of amazing. Chanyeol finds himself extremely undeserving of someone like him. Jongin, honestly had it all, the looks, the talent, the personality. When Chanyeol thinks of Jongin, he thinks about possibilities, he thinks about how things would be different, the what ifs and maybes, how things would be if he and Jongin had another chance in a different situation, how things would be because Jongin was just the right person at the wrong time. 

Baekhyun. 

Baekhyun. Baekhyun. Baekhyun. Baekhyun. Baekhyun. Baekhyun.

There wasn’t a time that Chanyeol wasn’t thinking about Baekhyun. He thinks about Baekhyun 24/7. Chanyeol thinks about Baekhyun and he is happy. He was happy in the knowledge that Baekhyun was happy, that Baekhyun was doing well. Chanyeol wanted nothing more than for Baekhyun to be doing well. When he thinks of Baekhyun, he dreams, he imagines, he wishes, and most importantly, he hopes. Chanyeol thinks about how much he hopes Baekhyun would one day see that he has been the one beside him all his life, how much he hopes Baekhyun would one day feel the same way, how much he hopes he could have more time to spend with Baekhyun-

Chanyeol thinks he was stupid for thinking about all of this but it gives him hope and it is with that hope that he is able to distract himself from the pain that was now his entire being. 

\---

“He is really nice and He will be able to help you Chanyeol”

“I’m very happy you are doing this, I know it isn’t easy”

“Reaching out for help, is the first step, you will feel better soon”

Chanyeol doesn’t really believe Junmyeon’s words anymore, but he was still willing to speak to Junmyeon’s psychiatrist friend if it gave the people around him the peace of mind. 

\---

The session goes okay. 

Dr Kris was nice enough. He was kind and patient and was so so ready to help Chanyeol with all of his issues. 

The only problem Chanyeol had was that to bring up said issues to a random stranger was not something he felt comfortable doing. 

“Give it some time, you’ll find it easier to open up”

Sehun encourages Chanyeol when he picks him up. 

Chanyeol wishes it were true, but he isn’t really sure if he can bring himself to talk about issues he can’t really even bear to speak with Sehun about. 

\---

New message from Baekie  
“Hey Yeol, are you free this Saturday?”

Chanyeol sees his new notification and his heart lights up. For Baekhyun, he was free 24/7.

New message to Baekie  
“Yeah I am, what’s up?”

Chanyeol thinks he is so stupid, a text should not make him so excited. 

New message from Baekie  
“You wanna come tux shopping with me? I need to pick out one for my wedding”

Chanyeol’s heart hurts. Every time he is reminded of the wedding, it is like a new form of pain for him. 

New message to Baekie  
“Of course, just tell me when”

Chanyeol hates that Baekhyun was getting married but it wasn’t like he could do anything about, he might as well be there for him as a best friend.  
New message from Baekie  
“Great!!!!:-) We can find you a best man tux too!!!!! You gonna attract all da boys there yeollie:P”

Chanyeol looks at Baekhyun’s message blankly. There was only one boy he wanted to attract. 

Best friend. Chanyeol reminds himself. Best man, That was all he was ever going to be to Baekhyun. And even though it hurt 24/7, Chanyeol tries to tell himself it was okay, he could be contented just being Baekhyun’s best friend and nothing more. 

\---

“So? How do I look?”

Chanyeol stares. Hard. 

“Is it bad? Do I look weird?”

Baekhyun checks his reflection again, maybe this was a bad choice of tux-

“You look breathtaking”

Chanyeol says and he means it. 

Baekhyun turns around to look at his best friend again. 

“Really? I like this one the best”

Baekhyun smiles and Chanyeol thinks that Baekhyun looked too much like a disney prince. 

“Yes, you look amazing”

I would marry the heck out of you if I could. Chanyeol thinks but doesn’t say. 

“Thanks Yeol”

Baekhyun blushes a little as he looks at his reflection again. 

“I wonder if Taeyeon will like it”

Baekhyun wonders out loud. 

Chanyeol presses his lips together, he doesn’t really want to think about that. 

“I’m sure she will. You look very handsome Baek”

Chanyeol decides to assure Baekhyun. 

“Yeah?” 

Baekhyun laughs. 

“Would you hit on me if you didn’t know me?”

Hit on you? I would marry you if I could. 

“I guess, maybe?”

Chanyeol lies. 

“Maybe??”

Baekhyun fakes being offended. 

“But didn’t you say I was breathtaking?” 

Baekhyun bats his eyelashes at Chanyeol. 

“Well, it’s going to take more than your pretty face for me to hit on you”

Chanyeol laughs. 

“What about taking into account my amazing personality and hot body as well? Would you ask me out?”

Baekhyun teased. 

I thought about it so many times, but you would probably say no. 

“Baek, I know you too well to even think about you that way, stop it”

Stop it because you are going to make me happy just to be sad again. 

Chanyeol puts on a fake smile he hopes Baekhyun doesn’t see through. 

“Fine, I guess I can’t attract everyone. But to be fair Yeol, you are a pretty good catch, if I were gay, man, I would totally hit on you and ask you out”

Chanyeol’s heart stops. He hated conversations like this the most. Because the higher Baekhyun gets his hopes up, the sadder he would feel later on. 

“Stop it Baek”

Chanyeol says in a more serious tone now. 

“Hmm?” 

Baekhyun was caught a bit off guard, Chanyeol sounded a bit upset. 

“Stop what?”

Baekhyun holds Chanyeol’s gaze. 

“Stop joking about things like that” 

Chanyeol says a little more firmly. 

Baekhyun stares at Chanyeol and neither of them say anything for a brief moment. 

Baekhyun opens his mouth, to say something but the owner of the tux shop thankfully walks in. 

“How are we doing here today boys?” 

The old man with a overly happy grin asked. 

“The two of you look so good in your tuxes! Shall I get them fitted for you?”

Baekhyun drops what he was going to say and directs his attention to the owner instead. 

Chanyeol heaves a sigh of relief, he was not ready to get into it with Baekhyun. 

\---

“Do you want to grab dinner before heading back?” 

Baekhyun asks as they make their way back to Baekhyun’s car. 

To be honest, Chanyeol was not feeling the best. Being awake for more than 5 hours was getting to be a struggle for him these days, something he find scary to admit. 

“D-do you even have time to?” 

Chanyeol would love to spend more time with Baekhyun, but not like this. Not when he feels like his head was going to explode. He needed to take his medicine soon and he didn’t bring any out with him. There was no way he would risk Baekhyun finding out. 

“Hmm, I have a meeting later but I could go for a quick meal first”

Baekhyun checks his watch and smiles at Chanyeol. 

Chanyeol tries his best to plaster a smile on for Baekhyun. 

\---

Dinner is painful. Chanyeol struggles to keep the little amount he managed to put in his mouth in his body. The urge to throw up was pretty strong, but Chanyeol uses whatever will power he has to keep it down. He had to pretend he was okay, for Baekhyun.

“You don’t like the food here?” 

Baekhyun raises a brow, pointing towards Chanyeol’s food which was barely touched. 

Chanyeol finds it hard to even form a coherent sentence with his head pounding so hard. 

“Yeol, are you okay?” 

Baekhyun could sense something was off, Chanyeol was being way too quiet and Chanyeol usually loved pasta so it didn’t make sense that he would just eat a few bites of his food. 

Chanyeol tries to just nod his head and smile, but the headache he has threatens to knock him out.

“You don’t seem okay Yeol” 

Baekhyun frowns, inching a little closer to Chanyeol now. 

“I-I need to go to the washroom”

Chanyeol manages to get out. 

Before Baekhyun has a chance to say anything, Chanyeol uses sheer will power to push himself up and haul his tired body to the toilet. 

\---

Chanyeol feels bad, this was such a nice place. And yet here he was in the toilet of this nice cafe, throwing up again and again. 

It burns. Chanyeol doesn’t know if he can even get up and go back and pretend that he is okay. 

Chanyeol was scared. 

Chanyeol throws up til he knows he has nothing left in his system. The thought of Baekhyun worrying is the only thing that gives him the strength to pull himself up. 

Get yourself together Park Chanyeol. Chanyeol chants in his head as he walks over to wash his face and rinse his mouth. Catching a glimpse of himself in the mirror, Chanyeol knows he looks bad, he looked sick. Chanyeol wants to throw up all over again. 

“Chanyeol?”

Chanyeol hears a familiar voice coming from outside. Baekhyun. 

Chanyeol tries to slap some colour into his face before he opens the door to greet Baekhyun. 

“Chanyeol. What the hell. You were gone for so long. Are you okay?” 

Baekhyun was worried, Chanyeol noted how Baekhyun’s eyes kept fluttering across his entire body. Chanyeol needed a good lie. 

“I have an upset stomach. I’m not feeling too good” 

Chanyeol thinks that this lie was at least believable. 

Baekhyun frowns. 

“You should have told me earlier Yeol. I knew you weren’t okay, you should have told me you were sick. Let me take you home okay?” 

Baekhyun runs his hand through his hair, a little flustered. 

Chanyeol simply nods. 

“I’ll go settle the bill first” 

Baekhyun tries to get his thoughts in order. 

Chanyeol wants to hold Baekhyun back and stop the man from treating him again, but as Chanyeol steps forward, he feels his body go weak and he ends up falling. 

“Yeol!” 

Baekhyun thankfully catches him. 

“Oh my gosh. Are you even okay to stand right now? Let me bring you back to our seat first okay?” 

Chanyeol doesn’t want Baekhyun to find out. He needs to be strong. He has always been strong in Baekhyun’s eyes. 

“I-I don’t need to sit down, let’s go. I can wal-k by myself” 

Chanyeol tries to brush Baekhyun’s hand away but Baekhyun instead uses his other hand to hold firmly Chanyeol by the waist. 

“No.”

Baekhyun used his lowest register. 

“You’re not well Chanyeol. Don’t be stubborn. If you fall and get hurt, I’m going to be even more worried, so just let me help you” 

Baekhyun holds Chanyeol close to him. 

“O-okay”

Chanyeol finally agrees and Baekhyun begins to lead the way back to their table. 

Chanyeol’s heart races. 

He prays that Baekhyun can’t tell. 

\---

Chanyeol doesn’t even know when he falls asleep in Baekhyun’s car but he only wakes up when the engine is already turned off and Baekhyun is lightly patting him on the cheek. 

Chanyeol feels so tired, so weak he doesn’t know if he can make it out of Baekhyun’s car safely. 

Baekhyun goes ahead to hold Chanyeol close to him again, taking on most of his body weight and carrying him to his apartment. 

“I-I’m sorry Baek” 

Chanyeol mumbles. This was his worst fear. He dreaded the day when Baekhyun would see him like this. 

“Why are you apologising Chanyeol?”

Baekhyun was confused. 

Chanyeol doesn’t reply. He closes his eyes and focuses on putting one foot ahead of another so he doesn’t trip. 

\---

“Where are your keys?”

Baekhyun asks when they finally get to Chanyeol’s door. 

“Front p-pocket” 

Chanyeol would try to get his keys out by himself, but at this point, he doesn’t think he physically can. 

Baekhyun doesn’t think much, he just shoves his hands into Chanyeol’s pocket to help search for Chanyeol’s keys, but that is when Chanyeol physically flinches. 

It hurt so much down there. Just walking was painful. Baekhyun touching anywhere close to his inner thigh made Chanyeol want to break down. 

“C-chan, what’s wrong??” 

Baekhyun could feel the tension in Chanyeol’s body from how Chanyeol completely clenched up. 

It was taking every fiber of Chanyeol’s being not to pass out right there. 

Chanyeol shakes his head, urging Baekhyun to continue finding his keys. 

Baekhyun was afraid to even touch Chanyeol at this point. Chanyeol looked really sick, and in pain. 

Baekhyun gently searches for Chanyeol’s keys and finally finds them in his second attempt. 

\---

Baekhyun gently lowers Chanyeol onto his bed. 

Chanyeol expects Baekhyun to just tuck him in and go. He did have a meeting to get to. 

But Baekhyun seemed to be making himself comfortable. 

“You get some rest. I’ll go boil some water, I’ll make you some tea, it will be good for your tummy” 

Baekhyun explains to Chanyeol, before turning to leave. 

“B-baek, you-r meeting. You are g-going to be late”

Chanyeol reminds Baekhyun weakly. Chanyeol knew how important work was to Baekhyun. 

“Work can wait Chanyeol. You are so sick right now, you need someone here to take care of you. I’m not leaving you. I’ll be by your side 24/7 til you are better! Best friend duty, I don’t make the rules”

Baekhyun sticks out his tongue before heading to the kitchen. 

Chanyeol still felt like death, Chanyeol still felt that his body was dying, Chanyeol still felt the pain. 

But hearing that Baekhyun chose him over work, Chanyeol smiles. 

\---

Baekhyun stays til he really has to go. 

Even when Sehun was back and assures Baekhyun that he would look over Chanyeol, Baekhyun refuses to leave. 

It was only when Baekhyun gets a call at 9 in the morning from a very angry Elder Byun, that he finally decides that it’s time to go. 

“I’m really better, please go Baekhyun” 

Chanyeol assures the other man when he was still debating on whether to stay or not. 

“If I had the choice, I would stay here 24/7” 

Baekhyun tells Chanyeol and means it. 

“Hmm, I know” 

Chanyeol looks at Baekhyun and they stay like that for a few seconds. 

“Take care Chanyeol, I’ll check in on you later. Feel better okay? I hate it when you’re sick”

Baekhyun lightly squeezes Chanyeol’s hand as he gets up to leave. 

Chanyeol gulps. Thank god Baekhyun didn’t find out. 

“I hate it when I’m sick too” 

Chanyeol says, trying to keep the bitterness out of his voice. 

“Then get better faster!” 

Baekhyun laughs and Chanyeol gives him a smile. 

“I’ll try”

Chanyeol says and he means it. He will try his damn hardest to get better. 

“See you Yeol” 

Baekhyun says on his way out. 

“Love you” 

Baekhyun doesn’t forget to say. 

“Love you too”

Chanyeol tells Baekhyun back. 

And he really really does. 

\---

Chanyeol just wants things to go back to normal. 

He just wishes his friends can chill, can not worry about him 24/7.

He just hopes they trust him when he tells them that he is alright and getting better. Or at least trying to be. 

“I’m not going to go Chanyeol” 

Sehun tells Chanyeol for the 500th time. They’ve been going on about this for the past 2 hours. Chanyeol was tired and angry. Angry that once again, he was holding Sehun back from living his life to the fullest, that he was ruining the quality of Sehun’s life. 

“Sehun, this is such a good opportunity. I am not going to let you give it up just because you feel you need to stay in Korea to look after me”

Sehun runs a hand through his hair. 

“Chanyeol, I am not going to miss out on much, my team will still be able to perform without me. I’ve been to Japan plenty of times, I don’t need to go again.” 

Chanyeol hates it. He knows Sehun was turning down the chance to travel to Japan to take part in another dance competition with his team just because of him, just because he was worried to leave Chanyeol alone at home. 

“I’ll be okay. I’ve been getting better. Please Sehun, please go. Don’t let caring for me be your top priority” 

Chanyeol just wants Sehun to go and have a life, he was the one with cancer, not Sehun. 

“I can’t stop caring for you Chanyeol” 

Sehun says, trying to put a final stop to this argument. 

“Okay, if you care for me, then think about how I feel.”

Chanyeol says defiantly. 

“I know how many times you cancelled plans, changed the way you want to live or go the extra mile just for me these few months. And I’m so thankful, so fucking grateful. But- but at the same time, it really hurts me Hun. It really hurts me to know how much you have to sacrifice just because you are scared I can’t look after myself. Do you know how many times I’ve cried because I know you made yourself give up something you like just for me? If you really care for me, please, please go for this competition. Don’t make me feel that I am stopping you from doing the things that make you happy. Please” 

Sehun doesn’t know what to say. He didn’t even know Chanyeol felt this way. 

“I-I”

Sehun was lost for words. 

Sehun didn’t know that Chanyeol knew about him sometimes skipping dance practice to come back home to cook for him or how he cancelled business meetings with clients that could be useful because he was afraid Chanyeol would be lonely at home. Sehun didn’t know it made Chanyeol so upset that he was doing all of these things. 

“Please Sehun. I’ll take care of myself. I’ll take my medicine, I’ll cook my meals. I’ll call Kyungsoo if I am not feeling well. I’ll text you and update you everyday. It’s just a week, I can handle myself for one week in Korea” 

Chanyeol begs. 

Sehun sighs, because he was torn on what to do. 

He loved dancing and his dance team had been practicing their choreography for so many months now, it would be great to be able to perform on such an amazing platform. 

“You’ll call me every night too?”

Sehun asks softly. 

“You, me and Jongin can all facetime if it makes you feel happier” 

Chanyeol tells Sehun because Jongin will be on that trip too. Another person he had to beg to go. 

Sehun nods, because yes, it would. 

\---

It makes Chanyeol happy that he is making small progress. 

He doesn’t want to show that happiest too soon though. 

Because he thinks that even though he is slowly being put back together, he was afraid that celebrating, or even acknowledging the fact that he was getting better would ruin it and send him back to square one. 

\---

It was Thursday and Chanyeol hated Thursdays treatment days always felt like hell. 

Chanyeol checks the clock, it was 1:13 am, okay, technically it was now a friday. But wiping his mouth to get rid of the remnants of any puke he still had on his face, Chanyeol knew he was still feeling the horrible effects of his treatment. 

And then, his phone rings. 

Baekhyun. 

Chanyeol takes a breath, trying to pull himself together s he was well enough to coherently respond to the other man. 

“Hello Baek-”

There was crying. There was sobbing. There was a very distressed sounding Baekhyun trying to tell him what happened. 

“Baek, calm down. Tell me what’s wrong?”

Chanyeol uses his softest voice to try to get Baekhyun to relax. He knew it usually worked on the other man. 

“Take a breath Baek, it’s okay, I’m here” 

Chanyeol assures the other man. 

“I-I had a fight with my dad”

Baekhyun finally manages to get out. 

“Are you okay?” 

Chanyeol asks, even though he knows Baekhyun wouldn’t be calling if he was. 

“N-no… He wants me to take over the business before the wedding and I c-can’t-”

Baekhyun's voice breaks, just a little. 

“Baek… You can talk to your dad. Tell him how you feel” 

Chanyeol tells Baekhyun this like that was the easiest thing to do, but he knows the strain that was on Baekhyun’s relationship with his dad. 

“I-I tried to Yeol. I told him no”

Baekhyun was crying again, Chanyeol could tell.

“What did he say?”

Baekhyun tries to keep himself together.

“He told me I was useless and then-”

There was a pause. 

This reminded Chanyeol so much of High School when this happened before. But no, that was so long ago, Baekhyun’s father wouldn’t do t again-

“He slapped me”

Chanyeol clenches his fist. He was so mad. Baekhyun’s father had hit him again.

“Where are you now?” 

Chanyeol asks, aware his voice was getting dangerously low. He was pissed. Fuming. Someone had hurt Baekhyun. 

“Chan, you don’t have to come find me, he-he didn’t hit me that hard. It’s the middle of the night. You should go to sleep-”

Baekhyun tries to tell Chanyeol he’s okay. 

“Baekhyun, I don’t care. I’m here for you 24/7. I’m coming”

Chanyeol puts his foot down on this. 

“I’m at my old house” 

Baekhyun mumbles. 

“I’ll be there soon”

Chanyeol assures Baekhyun. 

\---

Sehun hears the door outside close and he immediately pulls himself up, worried that Chanyeol was not okay. 

He gets out of his room, only to see Chanyeol looking for the car keys. 

“Chanyeol… what are you doing?” 

Sehun doesn’t understand what Chanyeol is doing up at this hour. 

“I’m going out” 

Chanyeol tells Sehun, like it is the most normal thing to do at about one-thirty in the morning. 

Sehun rubs his eyes, before turning to the clock. 

“Chanyeol, it is almost two in the morning” 

Sehun reminds Chanyeol, in case he forgot. 

“I know”

Chanyeol finally finds the car keys. 

“But Baekhyun needs me” 

Sehun seems to get it. He knows Chanyeol would do almost anything for the other man. 

Chanyeol takes a step wobbly, but Sehun reaches out to hold him.

“Chanyeol, are you even fit to drive right now?” 

Sehun asks, extremely concerned. 

Driving there was not really something Chanyeol wanted to challenge himself to do on a treatment day, but he couldn’t get a cab and Baekhyun needed him now. 

“I-I couldn’t get a cab. And Baekhyun needs me right now. His father…” 

Chanyeol tries to explain. 

“I’ll drive you then”

Sehun gets it. He knows Chanyeol would do anything for the other man. 

\---

Chanyeol thanks whoever is up there that he feels better by the time they reaches Baekhyun’s house. 

Well, he doesn’t feel amazing but at least he feels well enough to get out of the car and make that solo walk to Baekhyun’s door step. 

As Baekhyun opens the door for him, Chanyeol hugs Baekhyun, as tight as he can. And he can feel Baekhyun return the hug with just as much intensity. 

Pulling back and getting a real good look at Baekhyun, Chanyeol’s heart hurts. The side of Baekhyun’s face was starting to swell. 

He didn’t hit me that hard. 

Lies. 

And it doesn’t matter. 

Baekhyun’s father had hit him and Chanyeol was pissed. 

\---

“How are you feeling?” 

Chanyeol asks Baekhyun as he enters Baekhyun’s house. 

“I’m better now”

Baekhyun admits. 

Chanyeol moves a little closer at that. He uses his fingers to gently trail over Baekhyun’s face. His beautiful face that he thinks about 24/7-

“Your father was wrong Baekhyun”

Chanyeol says. 

“But w-what he said was true, I am useless-”

Chanyeol can’t stand to see Baekhyun bring himself down. 

“No. You are smart and capable and useless is the last word I would ever use to describe someone like you Baek” 

Chanyeol tries to get to Baekhyun. 

Baekhyun shakes his head. 

“I-I can never please him Yeol. Even after all I do for him. I think he still hates me”

Baekhyun’s voice breaks and so does Chanyeol’s heart. Somehow Chanyeol felt there were so much more to Baekhyun’s words. He knows of all the sacrifices Baekhyun has ever made to please his father, well almost all.

“Baek, he doesn’t hate you”

Chanyeol tells Baekhyun, with all the certainty in the world. 

“How do you know?”

Baekhyun shakes his head harder, Chanyeol doesn’t know his father, he doesn’t know what his father thought of him. 

“Because, I know you and it’s not possible to hate someone like you”

Baekhyun’s face softens. 

“There’s just so much about you to love”

Chanyeol looks at Baekhyun like he is his whole world.

“Everyone loves you” 

Chanyeol needed Baekhyun to know. 

I love you. 

Chanyeol thinks he is just imagining it, that it was one of his illusions, his dreams, his hopes, because Baekhyun was inching closer. This was all too intimate-

And then Baekhyun’s phone rings. 

It snaps Baekhyun and Chanyeol back to reality. 

Baekhyun clears his throat. 

“Hello? Tae?”

Taeyeon. 

“Hmm? Yeah. I’ll be back soon. See you then”

Reality. 

“Love you”

Chanyeol hates it. 

“Yeol, I gotta go”

Baekhyun rubs the back of his neck awkwardly. 

“Hmm? Yeah I guess I should go too”

Chanyeol gives an awkward laugh. 

“Thanks for coming”

Baekhyun says and means it. 

“No problem.”

Chanyeol smiles at Baekhyun. 

“I’ll send you back?”

Baekhyun suggests and Chanyeol is thankful. 

The car ride was mostly silent, with Baekhyun and Chanyeol just taking in the comfort of just being by one another. 

“Thank you for coming out tonight Yeol to check on me. Really. It means a lot.”

Baekhyun turns to Chanyeol and says as he pulls up in front of Chanyeol’s house. 

“No problem Baek. I’m always here for you. Anytime. 24/7”

Chanyeol gives Baekhyun a small smile. 

“See you soon Yeol”

Baekhyun says gently. 

Chanyeol opens the car door and is hit by the strong wind that enters the car. 

“See you Baek”

Chanyeol is about to get out but Baekhyun holds him still. There is a pause. 

“I love you” 

Baekhyun says.

And Chanyeol’ heart stops. He wishes, he really wishes that reality could mean Baekhyun loves him, loves him the way he has been hoping all these years. 

“I love you too”

Chanyeol says and he means it.

Oh, does he mean it. 

\---

“It would mean so much if you guys could come”

Chanyeol thinks Baekhyun was so stupid. Baekhyun didn’t need to ask twice because, he would definitely go, it was Baekhyun’s engagement party. 

Of course, Chanyeol would much rather be the one Baekhyun was engaged to but he doesn’t say it. 

Sehun would only be staying for a while since he had a flight to catch at night, but Chanyeol prepared himself to stay til the end, because that was part of the best friend duties right?

\---

Baekhyun was getting publicly engaged. He was having a party to celebrate his upcoming marriage. Of course, this was all just a PR stunt, but he should still be happy right? 

Baekhyun thinks, hard, and he tries to think about whether he really was happy. He was getting to his long term girlfriend of over 7 years (not counting the multiple breaks they took in the middle), he was getting married to the love of his life, he should be buzzing. But Baekhyun doesn’t know why he feels like there was something wrong, he wasn’t upset, but he wasn’t happy either. He thinks about this a lot. Hell, he thinks about it 24/7. But still, Baekhyun would do whatever his father wanted, even if he has his doubts. 

\---

“Congrats man” 

“You and Taeyeon have always been the cutest couple”

“Hope you guys have a really blissful marriage!”

Baekhyun was tired, going around, talking to all his business ‘friends’ and hearing the same few things being said repeatedly to him over and over again. 

“Thanks, I am very happy” 

Baekhyun has said this sentence more times than he could count that day. He just wishes he could fully believe it. 

Baekhyun’s day only gets better when he sees his favourite giant of a man stumble in. Chanyeol. He made everything better. Always. 

“Yeol, you made it” 

Baekhyun greets the taller man. 

“Umm, I’m here too?”

Sehun clears his throat and Baekhyun feels just a little bad that he completely missed Sehun being there. 

He has a bit of a tendency to forget about other people when Chanyeol was around. 

“Oh my gosh, Sorry Hun. Thanks for coming too!” 

Baekhyun claps Sehun on the back. 

Baekhyun wishes he had more time to spend with his actual friends than the people he regards as fake friends, but his dad would definitely say something if he doesn’t entertain the more important guest as this party. 

Baekhyun looks at the table which Kyungsoo, Sehun, Xiumin, Chen and Chanyeol are at. His eyes drift to Chanyeol. He observes and notes how Chanyeol barely touched his food. Baekhyun frowns. Was there something wrong with the taste of it? 

Baekhyun looks around at his other guests. Everyone seems to be happily digging in. Baekhyun feels there was something wrong, but he can’t put his friend on it-

Baekhyun stares. He stares because he sees Sehun, taking a meatball and holding it out in front of Chanyeol’s mouth. Chanyeol shakes his head a little but Sehun pouts and Chanyeol eats it. The smile that Sehun uses to look at Chanyeol at that small act makes Baekhyun feel weird. Then, he sees Sehun rub Chanyeol’s thigh affectionately and-

Baekhyun looks away. This was normal right? It should be normal for Chanyeol to have skinship with his other friends. Baekhyun thinks back but he can rarely think of an occasion when he and Chanyeol even had skinship like that. 

Baekhyun tenses up. This shouldn’t affect him but it kind of does. 

Baekhyun tries to focus his attention somewhere else but as he moves away, he can’t help but check their table again. 

And he sees something that causes a sinking feeling in his gut. 

Sehun took off his outer coat for Chanyeol and was insisting Chanyeol take it. 

Baekhyun stands there and just watches the scene play out. Chanyeol shakes his head and tries to get Sehun to take it back but Sehun simply drapes it over Chanyeol and rubs Chanyeol’s shoulders affectionately.

Baekhyun feels weird. He doesn’t know why this was making him feel-

“Baek, are you okay?” 

Taeyeon’s voice pulls him back to reality. 

“H-huh? Yeah, I am. Why?” 

Baekhyun asks.

“You’re just standing here in the middle, silly”

Taeyeon laughs out. 

“What are you even looking at?”

Taeyeon tries to follow his line of vision but Baekhyun quickly holds her hand. 

“Was just looking for you. We have to go speak to my father’s friends?”

Baekhyun tries to redirect Taeyeon’s attention away, feeling pretty embarrassed that he actually got caught staring. 

\---

Baekhyun knows his head wasn’t in the game, but he can’t help it. Something was off. There was something different about Chanyeol and Sehun and he didn’t know what. Perhaps there was something about their relationship that was more than what met the eye. 

Baekhyun tries to not care, tries to focus on the people he was talking to, tries now to look at Chanyeol-

He sees Sehun hugging Chanyeol and Baekhyun’s heart stops for a moment. He sees Sehun hugging Chanyeol so tightly, with so much care and so much love. Baekhyun has never seen Sehun show this much affection for anyone. 

Through a sea of people, he could only see the two of them. 

Sehun pulls Chanyeol closes and whispers into his ear. Then he pulls back and smiles brightly at Chanyeol as he gently touches Chanyeol’s face. What was going on? 

Baekhyun can’t bear to just stand and watch anymore, he had to know, he had to ask. 

“Chanyeol?” 

Taeyeon’s voice asks from behind him. 

“Oh my gosh, I didn’t know Yeol was here tonight” 

Taeyeon says as she makes her way towards Chanyeol and Sehun. 

Baekhyun snaps himself back to reality and follows after Taeyeon. 

“Yeol, Sehun! So nice to see you guys here”

Taeyeon greets the two who quickly pull apart. 

Baekhyun smiles as he walks over to join the conversation, pretending there was nothing wrong. 

Chanyeol smiles at Taeyeon. He wishes he could hate her, but Taeyeon was genuinely a really nice person. 

“Yeah, wouldn’t miss it for the world. Congratulations to the both of you”

Chanyeol says and tries to feel happy for his two friends. 

“Yeah congrats, it been so long” 

Sehun adds, smiling back at Taeyeon. 

“Are you guys staying til the afterparty?”

Taeyeon asks, looking at the two of them.

“Oh, I’m actually going to be making a move soon”

Sehun explains apologetically. 

“I’ll be there”

Chanyeol assures Taeyeon. 

Baekhyun doesn’t miss how Sehun frowns a little at that. 

“Great, it’ll be really fun! We got a few DJs coming over, it’ll be lit”

Taeyeon’s eyes light up and Chanyeol can’t help but smile back. 

“Sounds good”

Chanyeol nods. 

“Wait, Yeol, you’re coming for the party too?”

Baekhyun joins the conversation at that. 

“Please don’t get too drunk, I don’t think I can carry you back” 

Baekhyun jokes. 

Chanyeol laughs, but he knows there was no way he was even drinking tonight. He doesn’t think his body could even handle alcohol these days. 

“You should worry about yourself, you’re the true lightweight”

Chanyeol reminds Baekhyun. 

“Hun, you are leaving soon?”

Baekhyun asks, as his mind flickers back to Sehun’s and Chanyeol’s odd interactions at the party. 

“Sorry Baek, I’m actually leaving. I have a plane to catch, but congrats on your engagement!”

Sehun pulls Baekhyun in for a side hug and Baekhyun notes how different it was from how Sehun had hugged chanyeol. Sehun had hugged Chanyeol with an intensity that looked like Sehun was afraid to let Chanyeol go. 

“Oh yeah, the Japan competition? All the best! I’ll make sure Chanyeol gets back safe”

Baekhyun smiles and says jokingly. 

“Please do”

Baekhyun didn’t expect such a formal reply from Sehun. He looks at Sehun and he can tell that Sehun means what he said 100%. 

“I’ll be okay Hun” 

Chanyeol says and Baekhyun can’t help but feel they weren’t talking about Chanyeol being a bad drinker. 

“I know, I’m just worried”

Sehun mumbles, giving Chanyeol’s hand a little squeeze. Baekhyun can’t help but think he is really missing something.

“Don’t worry, I’ll make sure everyone gets home safe”

Taeyeon smiles and says, easing the tension that had unknowingly slowly formed. 

“Okay, that’s good”

Sehun, Chanyeol and Baekhyun all say before they laugh. 

\---

It was a good night. 

Chanyeol spends time with Kyungsoo, Chen and Xiumin til the afterparty and then he gets to hang out with Baekhyun. A very drunk Baekhyun. 

A drunk Baekhyun also meant a very touchy Baekhyun and Chanyeol didn’t want to take advantage of it, so he makes it a point to keep a proper distance between him and Baekhyun. Ensuring Baekhyun doesn’t get too touchy with him.

“Why do you not let me touch you like Sehun does?”

The question takes Chanyeol by surprise. What was Baekhyun even asking?

“What?”

Chanyeol knew Baekhyun had way too much to drink. 

“Y-you know what I mean. I saw how you two were just now. Y-you never let me be touchy with you”

That’s because you touching me would just give me more of that stupid hope that we could-

“Baek.. I think you had too much to drink”

Chanyeol thinks that it was time to look for Taeyeon, to get her to bring Baekhyun home. 

“No. I really want to know. Are you dating Sehun?”

Baekhyun confronts Chanyeol. 

“What? No.”

Chanyeol has no idea where this was even coming from. 

“Are you lying to me?”

Baekhyun pouts. 

“No Baekhyun. I’m not.”

Chanyeol explains slowly. 

“Then why does he look at you like that lately?”

Baekhyun wonders out loud, looking straight at Chanyeol. 

“L-like what?”

Chanyeol asks. 

“Like he is afraid to lose you” 

Baekhyun admits, and Chanyeol doesn’t know if it is just him or if Baekhyun really sounded sad saying that.

Chanyeol doesn’t know what to say. Sehun probably was afraid to lose him. Things haven’t really been great for him these couple months. Sehun was the only person that has been there 24/7, he’s seen chanyeol when things got bad, when things got really bad. Sehun probably was scared, hell, terrified of losing him. 

“Baek, you’re drunk”

Chanyeol decides that it was really time to send Baekhyun back. 

“No” 

Baekhyun shakes his head. 

Chanyeol gets up and tries to pull Baekhyun to his feet as well. To be honest, it was getting late and Chanyeol needed to rest. 

Baekhyun pouts and kicks out his legs, swatting Chanyeol away when Chanyeol tried to get him up to take him to Taeyeon. 

Chanyeol should have known to sit down when he was feeling dizzy, but he wanted to get Baekhyun home first. 

“Come on Baek, be good okay?”

Chanyeol tries again, to use whatever energy he has to help Baekhyun up.

Baekhyun whines, and shrugs Chanyeol off, this time harder, using his hands to physically push Chanyeol away. 

A little push from his drunk friend should not cause him to lose his balance, but that coupled with the dizzy spell he was feeling that hits sends Chanyeol tumbling onto the floor. 

Even in drunken stupor, Baekhyun’s heart clenches with worry when he sees that Chanyeol was not getting up. 

“Chanyeollie?”

Baekhyun asks worried because Chanyeol was not moving, not responding. 

“Yeol?”

Baekhyun gets off his seat shakily, now hovering over Chanyeol’s limp body 

There were people watching them, people asking Baekhyun what had happened. 

“Baek, give him some air”

Taeyeon pulls him aside, before the bar’s security comes to check on Chanyeol. 

“What happened?”

“Did he drink too much?”

“How did he pass out?”

Baekhyun doesn’t know how to answer all these questions when his mind was still fuzzy from the alcohol. 

“I-I’m okay”

Chanyeol’s soft voice was the only thing that Baekhyun could focus on in the chaos. 

Chanyeol knew he blacked out momentarily and he feels bad that so many people had to witness it. 

“Chan, are you okay?”

Taeyeon was the first to ask, helping him up onto a high stool. 

“Y-yes, yes. I think I just need to get some rest”

Chanyeol lies. 

Taeyeon shakes her head. 

“Okay boys, time to go back okay? I’ll get the driver to pick us up. You boys wait here while I say bye to a few people” 

Taeyeon instructs and Chanyeol feels bad because once again Taeyeon proves to be the sweetest person ever. If only she knew that Chanyeol had been loving her fiance for the past god knows how long. Chanyeol feels like he was betraying a friend. Chanyeol pushes all the thoughts down as he tries to focus on what a very drunk Baekhyun was saying instead. 

“Sorry Yeol, I didn’t mean to p-push you. I’m really sorry please don’t hate me”

Baekhyun looked genuinely sad. 

Chanyeol shakes his head. 

“I could never hate you” 

Chanyeol looks at his best friend. 

He really could never hate him.

\---

Taeyeon not only takes Chanyeol back, but she supports him back to his door, worried that something would happen to him, should she make him walk back by himself. 

“You sure you are okay, Yeol?”

Taeyeon frowns. 

“You could stay in our guest room, that way I can watch over you for tonight-”

Chanyeol cuts her off. 

“No, please, I troubled you enough for tonight. I’m fine”

Chanyeol smiles at Taeyeon. 

“I’ll go in now”

Chanyeol awkwardly excuses himself”

“Well, you need anything, just call me okay. Anytime. 24/7, I’ll pick up the call for you”

Taeyeon promises. 

Chanyeol’s heart clenches again. 

“Thank you Taeyeon, you are too nice”

She really was. 

“Don’t mention it, any friend of Baekhyun’s is a friend of mine”

Chanyeol smiles at Taeyeon before proceeding to enter his house.

Chanyeol hates himself. Taeyeon was too nice, he feels horrible for having inappropriate thoughts about her future husband. Chanyeol tries to delete his feelings for Baekhyun, Chanyeol tries to repress the thoughts about Baekhyun, Chanyeol tries to kill any hopes he still has for Baekhyun. 

But Chanyeol doesn’t know why, even after all these years, no matter how hard he tries, he still thinks about Baekhyun 24/7.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was thinking of how to progress the story and I think I am going to have 3 more chapters so it would include songs from the repackaged album as well, so it would be 13 chapters rather than 10! I would love to hear what you guys think about the story!:)


	8. Smile on my face

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! It's been awhile!

Chanyeol tries to wear a smile on his face each day. He really does. He tries not to think about how hard thing are. He tries to focus on the good, the small improvements. 

Chanyeol tries, he really does, but at times, when Chanyeol feels helpless, he still can’t help but break down a little.

Chanyeol thinks he is really stupid for overreacting at times, breaking a bowl when he’s alone at home shouldn’t make him snap, shouldn’t make him cry, shouldn’t make him feel worthless but it does, because he just feels so weak and useless. Chanyeol thinks that this is probably the kind of things Kris would want him to bring up in their sessions, but honestly Chanyeol doesn’t know how to. 

\---

Chanyeol was so used to pretending he was okay, wearing that smile on his face wherever he went. In front of Sehun, in front of Kyungsoo, in front of Jongin, in front of Baekhyun, always in front of Baekhyun. 

Chanyeol was kind of thankful Sehun and Jongin were out of town, because that meant that he was able to let his walls down, just for a while. It meant he didn’t have to plaster that fake smile on his face all day long. 

\---

Chanyeol has to get groceries. Well not has to, Sehun made sure to leave him more than enough food at home. But he wants to get groceries. He wants to be able to do it. He feels so stupid again, because since when was making a solo trip to lotte mart supposed to be a hard task he had to brace himself for?

Chanyeol tells himself he can do it. He has a small pep talk with himself as he gets ready to leave his house. It’s the first time in a long time, but Chanyeol thinks that it was a good day, he can do this. 

Chanyeol looks at himself in the mirror. He smiles, or tries his best to give a semblance of a smile and then he leaves. 

\---

Getting to Lotte mart, there were not that many people. Chanyeol was thankful that it was peaceful on that Friday afternoon. Being around a lot of people was starting to get stressful for him. 

Lotte mart felt familiar and yet different. Chanyeol remembers being young and running down the aisle with his sister, now, he clutches tightly onto the trolley in front of him, not wanting to admit that he relies on it for support as he trudges forward. 

\---

Chanyeol was offered many free samples by the kind staff there. Each person greeted him with a smile on their face. 

Chanyeol likes this, people treating him like he was normal, like he wasn’t broken, like he wasn’t damaged. 

Chanyeol walks with a smile on his face as well. 

\---

Chanyeol sees a little girl trying to get something on a higher shelf. 

He walks up and points to the box of Oreo Os that she was trying to get. 

The girl stares at him with a small ‘o’ forming on her mouth. 

Chanyeol passes it to her, unsure if this was what she was trying to reach for. 

The girl starts to laugh, happily taking the box of cereal from Chanyeol with a big smile on her face. 

“Thank you Mister!” 

The girl happily tells Chanyeol before she excitedly runs off with the box of Oreo Os that was almost half her size. 

Chanyeol smiles again. For the first time in a while, he doesn’t feel useless.

\---

Chanyeol was pushing his trolley in the snacks aisle when he feels it. 

A sudden wave of dizziness that throws him off guard. 

Chanyeol wants to throw up. 

Chanyeol holds onto his trolley tightly, trying to stabilize himself, hoping the feeling will pass. 

But it doesn’t. 

Chanyeol feels dizzy, like the whole supermarket was spinning all around him. His head suddenly felt like it was about to burst. 

Chanyeol feels weird, the pain was taking over his body, and he couldn’t do anything to stop it. 

Chanyeol starts to panic. 

Chanyeol doesn’t know what to do. 

The smile is wiped off of Chanyeol’s face. 

Focus. 

Calm down. 

You can do this. 

Chanyeol tries to clear his mind. Focus on getting his medicine out from the small bag that he brought with him. 

Chanyeol was shaking so much that pulling on the zipper of his bag was becoming a challenge for him. Chanyeol uses whatever strength he has within him to not cry. He feels the judgement of one or two people that stare at him a tad too long as they pass by, none of them offering to help or even ask him if he was okay. 

Chanyeol wants to be able to do this himself. Chanyeol wants to prove it that he can take care of himself. 

After fumbling with it for a good few minutes, Chanyeol finally manages to take the small bottle of pills from his bag out. But he realises he now has to struggle with pulling open the lid, something he doesn’t know if he can do when his body was in this state. It just happened so fast that Chanyeol was overwhelmed by how weak he was. 

Chanyeol could feel the swell down there, it was a constant feeling these days. But right now the pain that started in his head, was slowly but surely creeping down to take over his entire body.

Chanyeol feels a sharp, acute and unbearable pain at his lower abdomen area. 

It makes him double over. 

The pain sends a shiver down his spine, it scares him so much. 

And then it happens.

Chanyeol puts all of his weight on the trolley in front of him, closing his eyes tight as he realises what was happening. 

Chanyeol feels his cheeks heating up when he feels a familiar warm sticky liquid covering his thighs and dripping to his legs, pooling around his feet.

Chanyeol could feel the tears already pricking at the corners of his eyes when the embarrassment hits him now that he had to deal with what had happened. 

Chanyeol could feel the pain that was still taking over his body, intensifying despite it already humiliating him by making him, a grown up 25 year old man wet himself in public. 

“Mummy, Daddy! That was the mister that helped me just now! Did he have an ‘accident?’” 

Even with his eyes closed, Chanyeol still felt the shame as he hears the little girl tell her parents about him wetting himself. 

“What kind of grown man wets themselves in public? Come here sweetie, don’t talk to weirdos like that in the future” 

Chanyeol could hear what sounded like the girl’s father say in disgust before there was a shuffling of feet moving quickly away. 

Chanyeol didn’t need to open his eyes to know that there were many people staring at him. 

Chanyeol felt so scared, so helpless and so angry with himself. 

Chanyeol wanted Sehun to be here, Chanyeol wanted Jongin to tell him it was okay, Chanyeol wanted, no, Chanyeol needed someone to help him because in that moment, Chanyeol didn’t know how much longer he could stand upright before the pain would make him pass out. 

Chanyeol breaks down. 

\---

Chanyeol doesn’t even have the strength to even stay up on his feet but sitting down would mean sitting on the mess that he’s made. 

Chanyeol thinks about the poor nice staff that would have to literally clean up his mess and it makes him cry even more. 

Chanyeol doesn’t know what to do. He could hear so many people talking about him. 

“What the fuck is wrong with him”

“Did he like wet himself wtf” 

“Ew don’t step near him what a weirdo”

Chanyeol cries so hard he could feel his entire body shaking. 

He feels like he was going to collapse-

“Chanyeol?” 

Chanyeol knows that voice. Chanyeol wishes he is wrong. Chanyeol rather be alone right now. 

“Sorry could you please make way for me. I think that’s my friend” 

Chanyeol could hear the man push his way past nosy people who were standing around.

“Chan, what’s wrong?”

Hearing a familiar voice right now, makes Chanyeol want to break down more. He was already so embarrassed. 

“Yeol… you’re not okay. I think you are having a panic attack.”

The man holds Chanyeol gently, rubbing his back softly, trying to calm him down. 

“Breath for me okay Chanyeol? Please. Slowly slow breaths, it will be okay, I promise” 

Chanyeol shakes his head. No, it would not. It won’t be okay.

“Tell me what happened” 

The deep calm voice speaks to Chanyeol again. 

Chanyeol doesn’t know what else to say, what excuse to give. 

“I-I’m sick. I need my pills. Please” 

Chanyeol points to the bag in the trolley and the bottle of pills that were lying on top. 

Firm hands helped to pick up the bottle and open it. 

“Here Yeol, slowly okay?” 

Chanyeol opens his eyes to see the pills and a bottle of water right in front of him. 

Chanyeol pops the pills into his mouth and the man helps to drink some of water. 

“Good job Yeol, take another breath okay. You are alright okay?” 

Chanyeol nods, trying not to think about the people all around who were staring. 

“Sorry sirs, could I help you?”

A Lotte Mart Staff finally approaches the two of them. 

“Yes, my friend is not well, he accidentally wet himself, is there somewhere he could go to clean up?” 

Chanyeol feels useless, once again relying on someone else to take care of him. 

“Yes, we have a break room at the back, he can wash up there. There is also an area there where he could lie down at for a bit as well. I can bring you guys there?” 

The young lady mentions. 

“Chanyeol, are you okay to walk?” 

Chanyeol knows that it was a firm no, but he doesn’t want to trouble anyone any more than he already did. 

“I-I” 

Chanyeol only gets the first word out before he feels someone wrap their coat around his waist and proceed to sling his arm around their shoulder. 

“Chen, y-your coat is going to get dirty” 

Chanyeol feels so bad because Chen was using his coat to stop people from looking at him, how wet his jeans were, to shield him from the shame. 

“It’s fine. Let’s go get you cleaned up okay?” 

Chanyeol’s heart clenches. Chen didn’t even know what was wrong, but here he was taking care of him. 

“Put your weight on me. I got you” 

Chen instructs, as he slowly leads the way, following behind the lotte mart assistant. 

\---

Chen doesn’t ask much about what is wrong with Chanyeol, what is going on or why this was even happening, he just helps and Chanyeol has never been more thankful for the sensitivity the other man has. 

“Chanyeol, can you clean yourself up?” 

Chen asks when they reach the break room and the lotte mart assistant leaves them at the entrance of the staff toilet that has a small cubicle. 

Chanyeol says yes. And he really wants to be able to take care of himself. It has never gotten to a point when he couldn’t even bathe himself. He has never let it get to a point like that. 

Chen looked a bit hesitant but he slowly loosens his hold on Chanyeol, giving the other man space to move away and step into the shower cubicle by himself. 

Chanyeol pulls away and clenches the side of the cubicle door frame tightly, trying to fully support himself amidst the pounding that was going through his head and the aching pain that was coursing through his body. 

“Chan- a-are you sure?” 

Chen doesn’t want to insist that Chanyeol lets him help but he couldn’t just stand by when Chanyeol looked like he was going to collapse right there and then. 

Chanyeol could feel his whole body shaking out of over-exhaustion but he doesn’t want to let the weakness win, just not this time. 

With all the resolution he could possibly muster, Chanyeol nods, taking a big stride into the cubicle and shutting the door behind him.

\---

To say that Chen was worried would be an understatement. He had no idea what was going on. 

He was just buying groceries on a friday afternoon, enjoying his off day when he heard the commotion coming from the snacks aisle. 

He could heard people loudly discussing, complaining, bitching about a poor man who had apparently wet himself in the middle of the mart. 

Chen frowns because while he sees so many people talking about it and throwing their irrelevant opinions about the man out, he didn’t see anyone actually moving forward to help said man. 

“Omg is he crying?” 

Chen hears one of the teenage girls standing in the front say. 

Chen tries to get a view of the man, if no one was going to help, he should. 

And that’s when he sees the familiar tall figure hunched over over his trolley. 

Chen tries to move closer to see if his assumptions were right. 

But the figure looks so scared and small, Chen thinks he can’t be right-

Chen tries to get himself closer, past the crowd. He hopes he is wrong but-

“Chanyeol?” 

Up close, he knows it was undoubtedly Chanyeol and looking at the yellowish green liquid that was pooling at his feet, it was evident he had wet himself. 

“Sorry could you please make way for me. I think that’s my friend” 

Chen doesn’t know what was going on, but he knows a a panic attack when he sees one. 

“Chan, what’s wrong?”

Chen used the tone of voice he normally used to comfort his students when he knows they are upset, hoping it would work on Chanyeol as well. 

Chen sees Chanyeol clench up and try to cower away once again, people around them start talking even more. Chen wants to shut them all up. 

“Yeol… you’re not okay. I think you are having a panic attack.”

Chen knows how to comfort his young students when they were sad but Chanyeol was not a 7 year old who he could make feel better by promising some candy or ice cream after lunch. 

Chen wants to touch Chanyeol, pat him on the back, tell him it’s okay, but he notes that Chanyeol was disorientated and obviously in some kind of pain. 

Chen finally decides to rub Chanyeol’s back slowly when he sees that Chanyeol was unable to calm down on his own. 

“Breath for me okay Chanyeol? Please. Slowly slow breaths”

Chen tries to remember the instructions Minseok once taught him to help someone who was having a panic attack. He couldn’t remember exactly what the older man had said, but he knows it had something to do with regulating their breathing, getting them to take slower and deeper breaths.

“It will be okay, I promise” 

Chen finds himself saying this even without knowing the full situation. He hopes he was right, that this was something he could make okay. 

Chen frowns as he sees Chanyeol shaking his head violently. Something was wrong. Something was very wrong. 

“Tell me what happened” 

Chen finds himself almost scared to know. He had never been the closest to Chanyeol, but he sure as hell cared about the taller man. 

“I-I’m sick. I need my pills. Please” 

Chen doesn’t really register it for a moment. Chanyeol was sick.

Chen sees how Chanyeol points weakly at the bottle of pills that were lying on top of his small sling pouch. 

Sick? Chen frowns again, thinking to himself what kind of flu of stomach bug would render him so weak right here in the supermarket-

Chen freezes when he sees it. This had to be a mistake. No. 

On the label read, “For consumption after Chemotherapy treatment or when dizzy”. 

Chen’s eyes scans past the label. Once, twice, thrice. But there was no mistake or misprinting. 

Chen was no doctor but he knows what Chemotherapy was. What it was for. Who had to go for it. 

Chen’s heart clenches so tightly that Chen found it hard to remain calm. He wants to ask, to confirm his suspicions, he wants Chanyeol to tell him it’s not true, that he doesn’t have cancer-

Chen tries to compose himself. He reminds himself that this was not about him right now. He needed to focus right now and be strong for Chanyeol who looked like he was on the verge of a full on breakdown. 

Chen takes a deep breath and pours out 2 pills like the recommended dosage on the bottle instructs and picks up the bottle of water from Chanyeol’s trolley, holding it out in front of the emotional man. 

“Here Yeol, slowly okay?” 

Chen thanks god that his voice sounded stable because mentally, he was all over the place. 

Chen heaves a sigh of relief when he sees Chanyeol finally open his eyes and take the pills from his own hand. Chen almost whines out when he feels Chanyeol’s fingers brush past his own and he can tell how cold the other man really is. 

Chen helps to open the bottle of water before bringing it to Chanyeol’s lips, to give him something to take his pills with.

Chen has never seen Chanyeol like this. Chanyeol was never one to cry, in fact he had never even seen the other man shed a tear in their 8 years of friendship. This was really scaring Chen. But he can see how scared Chanyeol looked and he knew he had to be the strong one now. 

“Good job Yeol, take another breath okay.”

Chen tries to comfort Chanyeol again, seeing that Chanyeol was starting to breathe normally again. 

“You are alright okay?”

Chen really wants Chanyeol to be okay. Chanyeol looked like an overgrown kicked puppy and it was taking every fibre of Chen’s being not to lash out at the people around them that was still looking and judging Chanyeol like he was some attraction at the zoo. 

 

“I’ll make sure you are okay. I promise” 

Chen rubs Chanyeol’s shoulder softly, hoping this gesture would show Chanyeol he isn’t alone. Chen knows this was a really big promise to make, but he would try-

Chen was snapped out of his thoughts when he hears a loud thud coming from inside the shower cubicle. 

“Chanyeol, C-chanyeol, oh my god. Are you okay?” 

Chen’s heart stops as he bangs on the door. He should have insisted on going in with Chanyeol. 

“Chan?? Can you hear me? Please, please open the door”

Chen was half ready to knock down the door if he had to.

“Chan, please, I’m not playing. I’ll break down the door-”

Chen finally hears it. He hear a small almost inaudible cry coming from inside the shower as the water continues to pour. 

“Yeol?”

Chen softens his voice when he realises that Chanyeol was sobbing in the cubicle. 

“Yeol, please. At least tell me if you are okay?” 

Chen pushes his bangs away from his face anxiously. Still no reply. Chen could still hear the sniffling. 

“Yeol. Please, I’m worried. Please. Do I call Sehun or Baekhyun-”

At the mention of Baekhyun’s name, Chanyeol suddenly speaks up. 

“I-I fell down” 

Chen could hear Chanyeol mumble softly over the door. 

“Can you get up Chan?”

It doesn’t take a genius to figure that Chanyeol fell down inside. Chen just wants to know if Chanyeol was okay in there.

There was silence. 

Chen opens his mouth to speak again. 

“N-no” 

Chen doesn’t need to see Chanyeol to hear the shame in his voice. 

“Could you open the door for me? I’ll come in and help you Yeol” 

Chen frowns. He was so worried about Chanyeol. 

“Give me a-a moment”

Chen hears Chanyeol’s weak request and he tells Chanyeol to take his time while nodding his head, even though he realises Chanyeol could’t see him right now. 

There was a pause. And then Chen could hear shuffling noises coming from inside before the door clicks open. 

Chen slowly pushes open the cubicle and he sees Chanyeol on the floor. 

Chen never saw Chanyeol look so vulnerable in his life. 

The other man looked so in pain, so tired, Chen just wanted to pick him up, hold him and tell him that it was going to be okay. 

Chen turns off the shower before grabbing the towel and helping Chanyeol dry off. The water was on for so long, it had already turned cold, Chanyeol must have been freezing. 

Chen tries not to look, tries to pretend he doesn’t see how much weight Chanyeol had lost. He had felt that Chanyeol was a bit skinny lately, but seeing him naked, Chen realises just how thin the other man have gotten. 

“Do you think you can get up?”

Chen asks, even though he felt like he already knew what the answer would be.

Chanyeol shakes his head, and Chen could tell Chanyeol was trying his best not to cry. 

“Hey, it’s okay. Yeol, I got you.”

Chen knew that Chanyeol was pretty tall but from the looks of how skinny Chanyeol was now, he figures he can lift the taller man. 

It scares Chen when he realises he could actually carry the other man bridal style with ease, he should not be able to but he is. Something was wrong. Something was very wrong. 

Chen carries Chanyeol out of the toilet and to the break room when there was a small bed at the side. Lowering Chanyeol onto the bed, Chen proceeds to return to the toilet to grab Chanyeol’s new set of clothes for him. Chen was extremely thankful for the Lotte Mart Staff who helped in getting new clothes for Chanyeol to wear since he dirtied his. 

Chen wordlessly helps Chanyeol put on his shirt with little struggle from Chanyeol. It was only when it got to helping Chanyeol put on his underwear when he realises there was an issue. 

Chanyeol refused to remove the towel that he had wrapped around his waist.

“Yeol? Let me help you okay?”

Chen considers how Chanyeol might be embarrassed, even though Chanyeol doesn’t have to be, he knew if the tables were turned, Chanyeol would help him in a heartbeat. 

Chen sees Chanyeol’s face go blank before he looks to the ground. 

“Yeol?” 

Chen tries again, reaching out to touch the other man. 

“I-It really really hurts” 

Chanyeol says in a voice so small that Chen pulls his hand back, afraid that he would break the other man just by touching him. 

Chanyeol takes a deep breath. 

“Pl-lease pass me th-that”

Chanyeol points to the underwear and pants that Chen was holding. 

Chen hands it over, moving forward slightly if Chanyeol needed help. 

Chanyeol’s face scrunches up in pain as he puts his clothes on, but he shakes his head when Chen offers to help him.

When Chanyeol was finally done, he was out of breath and it worried Chen to the core how a simple task like putting on your clothes could tire the other man so much. 

What happened?

Why are you like this now? 

Why didn’t you tell me earlier?

Chen had so many questions, but he felt like he was in no position to ask. 

There was a knock on the room door. 

“Sorry could I come in?”

Chen recognised the voice to be that of the Lotte Mart assistant from earlier. 

“Yeah, sure” 

Chen helps to reply. 

The girl comes in with a small clipboard at hand. 

“Hello, sorry to disturb, but is it okay if I ask you a few questions? We have to do a report on what happened today” 

The girl bites down on her lower lip, wondering if she had phrased her words wrongly. 

“Sure” 

Chen tells her, helping Chanyeol speak. 

“Could you explain what happened in the aisle?” 

The girl was reading off the document on the clipboard but Chen could feel how this question at this time was a bad combination. 

Chen looks at Chanyeol briefly before he steps in to help answer. 

“My friend accidentally wet himself and he had a panic attack”

Chen says with no judgement in his voice. 

“Okay”

The girl pens something down. 

“Could you tell me why it happened?” 

Chen knew that question was just plain insensitive but the girl was just doing her job, she had people to report to. 

“My friend is sick-”

Chen doesn’t say much because he doesn’t know for sure. 

“Sick?”

The girl furrows her brows. 

“A fever?”

She attempts to clarify. 

Chen doesn’t know what to say. 

“Cancer”

Chanyeol finally says something and Chen’s heart momentarily stops. 

The girl’s jaw drops and she instantly feels bad. 

“Prostate cancer s-sometimes makes me unable to control my bladder but i-it had never happened in public or during the d-day before. I’m so sorry for all the inconvenience caused” 

Chen knew that Chanyeol meant to apologise to him too when he sees how Chanyeol looks at the girl, then at him and then back at the edge of the bed. 

Chen could see how much Chanyeol is shaking, he could tell how Chanyeol was scared from how tightly he was gripping onto the sheet of the bed he was on. 

“I-I’m so sorry” 

The girl says before continuing with the next question. 

Chanyeol doesn’t speak for rest of the questions asked, instead he tries to block everything out. Because now Chen knows. Chanyeol tries not to cry again. 

\---

The girl had nicely told Chanyeol to take his time and rest up in the break room as long as he needed and Chanyeol was thankful she doesn’t chase him out right there and then because he didn’t know how to physically carry himself back home right then. 

Chen helped Chanyeol get as comfortable as he can in the tiny bed, telling Chanyeol he is going to make a few calls before he leaves Chanyeol alone. 

“Only Sehun and Kyungsoo knows” 

Chanyeol tells Chen before he walks out, afraid he would call someone who doesn’t know about this. 

“Can Minseok know?” 

Chen asks, because he wants to take Chanyeol back to his place today, the house that he shares with Minseok. 

Chanyeol knew it was useless to hide anything away from Minseok now that Chen knew so he simply nods his head before turning away, hoping to get some rest. 

\---

Chen didn’t really know what to do. He had expected to come to Lotte Mart, grab some groceries and then go back and prepare a nice dinner for himself and Minseok. The last thing he expected was to see one of his friend have a panic attack because he wet himself in public, only to find out it is because he has prostate cancer-

It was too much to think about. Chen dials the japan extension number with Sehun’s number after. 

\---

“Hello? Chen?” 

Sehun was pretty surprised to get a call from Chen. They were friends but they weren’t close enough to call each other randomly for talks. 

“Sehun, hey, I called because of Chanyeol” 

Chen doesn’t want to worry Sehun because he knew that there wasn’t much Sehun could do for Chanyeol when he was overseas in Japan. He also knew that Sehun had a competition in the next few days and he feels bad worrying Sehun. But he knew if anyone knew about Chanyeol’s condition and how to help him it would be Sehun. 

“C-chanyeol? What happened?”

Chen could tell how just that one thing he said was worrying the hell out of Sehun. Sehun didn’t know why Chen was calling him about Chanyeol. Did something happen while he was away? Did Chen know about-

“I was at Lotte Mart when I saw him. He accidentally wet him himself and he had a panic attack because of that-”

Chen couldn’t even finish his sentence because Sehun was already raising his voice on the other line.

“Panic attack? Where is he now? Why was he at Lotte Mart alone? Is he okay-”

Sehun was panicking, regretting even leaving Chanyeol alone in Korea to come for the competition.

“Hun, please calm down first. Please. I need to tell me how to help him” 

Chen reminds the boy on the other line. 

“Right, okay, what happened next?” 

Sehun tries to keep his cool. He needed to, for Chanyeol. 

“I tried to calm him down and I brought him to rinse off in a staff toilet. He didn’t let me enter with him and he fell down while taking a shower-”

Chen could hear Sehun hold himself back from saying something. 

“But he was okay. I carried him to a bed and he was in quite a bit of pain but he’s resting now”

Chen explains. 

“Okay” 

Sehun presses two fingers to his temple. 

“Did he take his medicine?” 

Sehun asks. 

“Yes, I helped him take his”

Chen takes a breath.

“After Chemotherapy pills”

Chen hated that word. 

“Did he take his pain medication?” 

Sehun asks. 

“No, I have his bag and I don’t think he brought it out”

Chen looks into Chanyeol’s bag to check again. 

“It’s in the first drawer from the left in our kitchen”

Sehun tells Chen, before adding. 

“Chen, I’m sorry to trouble you but could you call Kyungsoo to come over and look after Chanyeol? I’m really worried about Chanyeol being left alone right now, especially if he is emotionally unstable-”

Sehun wishes he could fly back right now to personally take care of Chanyeol himself. 

“Hun, Chanyeol is my friend too. Please don’t say sorry. I’m bringing him back to my place tonight. Me and Min can look over him and take care of him, even across the weekend cause we don’t have work then. Kyungsoo goes to the bakery everyday now, so I think it would be better for us to look over Chanyeol since we have the time.”

Sehun bites on his lower lip. 

“Yes, okay. Thank you Chen. Please tell Chanyeol to give me a call later on when he is feeling better” 

Chen could hear the concern in Sehun’s voice. 

“I will, definitely” 

Chen assures Sehun, wishing that Chanyeol would feel better right now. 

\---

Chanyeol wakes up an hour later when Chen softly shakes him awake. 

Chanyeol notes that Chen wasn’t the only other person in the room. 

“Yeol, how are you feeling?”

Minseok’s soft voice would always sound reassuring. Minseok was here and he was wearing a very comforting smile on his face.

Chanyeol nods his head gently. 

“I-I’m better now” 

Chanyeol says even though the pain was still coursing through his entire body. 

“Do you need your other medicine now?” 

Minseok asks before turning to Chen who then takes the small plastic bag containing a wide array of Chanyeol’s medicine and passes it to him. 

“Y-you guys went to my place?” 

Chanyeol frowns, that meant that they had called Sehun. 

“Yes, I called Sehun” 

Chen tells Chanyeol. 

“I asked him where your medicine was because I wasn’t sure on how to help” 

Chen couldn’t read Chanyeol at that moment, he didn’t know what the other man was thinking. 

Chanyeol takes the bag of medicine and rummages from his blue pills. He helps himself to two of the pills and Chen passes him a bottle of water without Chanyeol even asking. 

“T-thanks” 

Chanyeol says after he took his medicine. 

Chen and Minseok share a look. They didn’t know how to tell Chanyeol the next thing. 

“Y-you guys don’t need to stay. You probably have other things better to do on a friday night. P-please, I already caused you guys enough trouble” 

Chanyeol felt bad. He feels horrible that Chen and Minseok suddenly felt like they were responsible for him. 

Chen clears his throat right then. 

“Chan, we can’t just leave you here” 

Chanyeol looks blankly at Chen. 

“I-I’m okay now. I can make it back to my place by myself. You guys don’t need to worry. I-I’m already very sorry I made you guys have to deal with me” 

Chanyeol didn’t want to get emotional over this but he couldn’t help but feel completely useless these days. 

“Yeol, don’t be sorry, it’s not your fault” 

Minseok adds, seeing that Chanyeol was clearly affected. 

“Yeol, we’ll take you back to our place okay? We can look over you there-” 

Chen tries to suggest but Chanyeol cuts him off. 

“No. Please no. I-I already feel bad enough. Please just go. I-I’ll be okay.” 

Chanyeol shakes his head, refusing to look at either one of them. 

“Chanyeol. Please. Let us help you okay? I don’t think you are in a state to go back by yourself right now”

Chanyeol knows, deep down, that Chen was right, even though he wished with all his heart Chen wasn’t. 

“Yeol, we’re just worried. Just stay with us for the weekend? It would really give us the peace of mind, please” 

Minseok takes a different approach.

Chanyeol doesn’t say yes, but he doesn’t say no. Because he knows, he needs someone to help him right now. 

“Yeol?” 

Minseok calls out, seeing that Chanyeol’s gaze was unfocused. 

Chanyeol cries as he shakes on the bed, feeling a form of helplessness that was all too new to him. He wants to tell Chen and Minseok to go, he wants to get up and show it to the two of them that he was perfectly fine, he wants to prove it to no one else but himself that he isn’t useless but-

Chanyeol realises he doesn’t even have the strength to get up from the bed or to even continue this argument with Chen and Minseok. He was tired and he feels sick, so sick that he doesn’t know if he will even feel good ever again. Chanyeol was suddenly struck with the realisation, he was dying and no matter what he did, no matter who was trying to help him, he was going to die. 

“Yeol? You’re scaring me” 

Chen calls out again, unsure what to do now that Chanyeol was spiralling into another one of his panic attacks. Thankfully, Minseok was here this time. 

“Chanyeol? Listen to me. Breathe.” 

Minseok instructs, taking Chanyeol’s big hands in his. 

“Take a deep breath with me and let’s hold in in for 5 counts okay?” 

Minseok shows Chanyeol how to do it and he counts to 5 before exhaling. 

“Good job. You’re doing real good. Let’s do it again?” 

Minseok repeats it a few times til he notes that Chanyeol was really calming down. 

“You’re okay Yeol. You did really well” 

Minseok moves a little close and gives Chanyeol a small hug. 

Chen’s heart almost breaks when he sees how Chanyeol actually tightens his arms around Minseok during their hug. Chen could tell how scared Chanyeol really was. 

Minseok rubs circles onto Chanyeol’s back, telling him everything would be okay until Chanyeol was calm enough to let go. 

“We’ll take care of you okay? Let us help you. We’re your friends Chanyeol. That is what friends do for one another right? If the tables were turned, would you want to help us?” 

Minseok poses the question and Chanyeol, without hesitation nods his head. 

“Okay, then we’ll take you back alright? Just for a few days. It’ll be fun! When you are feeling better we can even watch a few of your favourite movies together okay?” 

Minseok promises. Chanyeol nods, thankful that Minseok and Chen were here to help him. He wouldn’t know what to do if he didn’t have them. 

\---

Minseok all but carries Chanyeol to their car. Chanyeol doesn’t know how the small man has that much energy, but then again, Chanyeol thinks that part of it has to do with the fact that he doesn’t weigh much now. He made the mistake of getting on the bathroom scale the other day and the number scared him.

65 Kilograms.

That was lighter than he weighed in High School. He had lost close to 10 Kilograms since he started the whole chemo process. 

Chanyeol tries to push the thoughts to the back of his head. He doesn’t want to consider how he really was dying. 

\---

Minseok offers to carry Chanyeol again back into their house, but this time Chanyeol refuses, stating he wants to walk in. He was feeling better and it was barely 10 steps to get into their apartment, he could do it. 

Chen leads the way in while Minseok stands close to Chanyeol, afraid he might collapse at anytime. 

\---

“You can take my room” 

Chen clears his throat, opening the door to a room that only had a bed in it. 

“I’ll go get some pillows, a bolster and a blanket for you” 

Chen tells Chanyeol with a smile. 

“B-but where would you sleep?” 

Chanyeol asked, worried that he was once again overstepping his boundaries. 

Chen and Minseok shared a weird look. 

“I- um- I will be sleeping in Minseok’s room” 

Chen rubs the back of his neck awkwardly. Chanyeol notes that Minseok seemed a little nervous. 

“I-I’m sorry for intruding on the both of you and make you two have to sleep in the same room” 

Chanyeol bows his head slightly. 

Chen and Minseok share another weird look. This time, Minseok speaks up. 

“Yeol, don’t feel bad. This room is rarely used anyway, we’re used to it” 

Chen’s eyes widens and Chanyeol could see Chen staring at Minseok as Minseok insinuates something that Chanyeol had been thinking about for a while already. 

Chen blushes. 

“Yeah, don’t feel bad Yeol” 

Chen tries to pretend that Minseok didn’t just say something incriminating. 

Chanyeol looks at Minseok and then at Chen. 

“Yeol?” 

Chen tries to read Chanyeol again. 

Chanyeol surprises even himself when he realises that he was happy. There was a smile on his face. 

“That’s good then” 

Chanyeol says in a sing song manner, walking towards Chen’s empty bed. 

“It’s good?” 

Chen asks. 

Chanyeol looks at Chen with a twinkle in his eyes. 

“I always hoped the two of you would figure things out” 

Chanyeol says and he means it. He was so thankful that he at least lived to see the day that Chen and Minseok realised they were definitely more than just friends. 

Chen blushes again before turning towards Minseok. 

“I-I’ll go find those extra pillows” 

Chen says while excusing himself from the room, leaving Chanyeol alone with the older man.

\---

Chen grabs two pillows for Chanyeol and a bolster and a blanket and drops them all off in his room before he actually tucks Chanyeol into bed with Minseok’s help. 

Chen soon leaves the room to make dinner, leaving Chanyeol once again alone with Minseok. 

Chanyeol was not gonna lie, he didn’t really have the most things to say to the other man. I mean, sure, they were friends, but it was mostly by extension of Chen and Baekhyun who knew him first. 

“How are you feeling Yeol?” 

Minseok asks, as he pulls up the chair beside the bed and starts to get comfortable there. 

“I’m feeling better now. A lot better. Sorry I made the two of you worry”

Chanyeol bites down on his lower lip, he hated when he made the people around him worry. 

“Hmm? That’s good. But what about mentally, emotionally?”

Minseok asks instead and Chanyeol stares blankly back. 

He had almost forgot that Minseok was a psychiatrist and it was in his nature to ask. 

“I-I”

Chanyeol doesn’t really know how to go into it. 

“You don’t need to tell me if you aren’t comfortable Yeol. I’m not asking you as a doctor, I’m asking you as a friend” 

Minseok lightly pats his hand. 

Chanyeol knows that the two of them weren’t exactly close but to say that they were distant would also be a stretch. They cared about one another and have in fact, been friends for years. 

“I’m not too good”

Chanyeol admits, and it feels like a weight was lifted from his chest to even say it out. 

“Why not?”

Minseok asks, brows furrowed, eyes still locked on Chanyeol. 

“B-because, I-I’m”

Chanyeol fears even saying the next thing because he knows, deep down, it’s the truth, his friends were just too nice to let him believe it. 

“I’m dying and th-there's nothing anyone can do about it”

Chanyeol feels broken, he doesn’t want to throw his problems onto the other man but here he was. 

“What else?”

Minseok knows Chanyeol was not done. 

“I’m scared”

Chanyeol turns away, tears already forming in his eyes from even having to confront this issue. 

“Why are you scared?” 

Minseok asks in return, ready to listen. 

“Because, I-I’m a big burden these days and soon, e-everyone’s going to get tired of having to deal with my shit” 

Chanyeol’s heart hurts just by voicing this out because he knows it was all too real. His problem was by extension, becoming all of his friend’s problems. 

“Chanyeol, why do you think that?”

Chanyeol looks at Minseok and he sees the older man frowning, as if he can’t comprehend what seems to be blatantly obvious.

“I-I’m too weak to handle even the simplest of t-tasks these days and I can’t help bu-t to depend on the people around m-me. It-t’s so tiring being around me lately, I wish I c-could be strong, I really do. B-but I can’t.”

Chanyeol pours the thoughts he had been keeping deep within, thoughts he has never even raised up to Sehun. He was so used to being the stronger one in all his friendship, protecting his friends, being there for them, now that the roles are reversed, Chanyeol feels uncomfortable and he has no idea how to deal. 

“Chanyeol”

Minseok calls out his name in a way he hasn’t heard in a while. It is not one of pity, but one of confidence, of admiration. 

“You are very strong” 

Minseok tells Chanyeol and Chanyeol stares blankly back, unsure of what to say. 

“You are one of the strongest people I know” 

Minseok tells Chanyeol with so much assurance that Chanyeol shakes his head because he’s not, he knows he’s not. 

“Since the first day I met you, I could see what kind of person you were. You are always the problem solver, the one everyone can go to for help” 

Minseok reminds him but Chanyeol shakes his head again, he isn’t that great. 

Minseok seems to read his doubts because he starts listing out pieces of evidence. 

“When Sehun’s ex broke up with him and he was a sobbing mess back in university. You had to take care of him 24/7” 

Minseok looks Chanyeol in the eye. 

“Did you mind?” 

Chanyeol doesn’t understand what Minseok was trying to do. 

“I-I don’t understand”

Chanyeol stutters out. 

“You had to visit him everyday, you bought him meals when he refuses to leave his room, you cancelled plans with other friends cause you were scared he would be lonely, you literally had to pull him out of bed to get him to class cause you were worried. Did you mind? Would you have just left him like that if you had to do it again?”

Minseok asks firmly and Chanyeol’s taken aback. 

“S-sehun’s one of my best friends. Of course I didn’t mind taking care of h-him. I would always take care o-of him if h-he needed me” 

Chanyeol replies, unsure of where Minseok was going with this. 

“When Baekhyun broke his leg, third year of University, he had trouble getting around”

Chanyeol takes a deep breath, he remembers that vividly because he had seen the other boy feel helpless at not being able to walk properly for 3 whole months, having to sit on a wheelchair and then rely on crutches. He witnessed Baekhyun throw a tantrum once for being frustrated at himself for something he couldn’t do anything about. 

“You carried his stuff everywhere for him” 

Chanyeol blushes a bit because Minseok, of all people noticed. 

“You helped him get to all his classes” 

Chanyeol didn’t know how obvious he was, even back then. 

“You comforted him when he was upset with himself” 

Chanyeol looks at the older man, unsure if the other man also knows about the other thing that happened when Baekhyun had broken his leg-

“Did you mind?” 

Minseok asks. 

Chanyeol stares blankly back. 

“Did you mind doing all that for Baekhyun? Did you feel burdened?” 

Chanyeol frowns, a bit offended that Minseok would even ask because it was Baekhyun, for crying out loud, Chanyeol would do anything for the other man. 

“No. Of course not. Baekhyun means so much to me, I would do anything for him” 

Chanyeol says firmly, voicing out his deepest thoughts. 

Minseok looks at Chanyeol and then asks one last question. 

“3 years ago when I was sent to the hospital and things were bad” 

Chanyeol’s heart beats with a fiery intensity. Minseok’s ex would always trigger all of them, no one should be able to hit one his friend and get away with it, much less physically abuse them to a point that they were sent to the hospital. 

“You spent so many hours convincing me to leave him” 

Minseok says flatly and Chanyeol could tell how thankful the other man was. 

“You went with Chen and Baekhyun to confront him for me.” 

Chanyeol doesn’t think it was that big a deal, even if he did get punched in the face when he tried to step in between the hurl of insults Chen was throwing at the other man, vice versa. 

“You were there when I made a police report and you didn’t stop worrying til something was done about my case.” 

Minseok looks at Chanyeol and blinks. 

“Did you mind it?” 

Minseok asks, as if he was worried Chanyeol would mind. 

“Did you regret it?” 

Minseok adds and Chanyeol was a bit hurt that Minseok would think, for a second, that he didn’t have his back. 

“Of course I don’t Min. You can always count on me, I don’t understand why-” 

Chanyeol suddenly realises what Minseok was trying to do, what Minseok was trying to say. 

“Do you think Sehun would leave you?” 

Minseok asks and looks at Chanyeol. 

Chanyeol stares back. 

“I don-n’t know how much he can really handle-” 

Chanyeol tells the other man.

“Tell me what you really think, deep down” 

Minseok tries to push past all of Chanyeol’s bullshit to get to the truth. 

Chanyeol wants to say yes, that he does think that Sehun might really have enough one day and just abandon him, but he knows with all his heart that it’s a 100% no. And maybe that was the thing that scared Chanyeol the most. Maybe that was what Chanyeol was afraid of. He didn’t want to be the person who wound up hurting his friends when they put in all this effort on him and he ends up dying. 

“Sehun would never leave me”

Chanyeol’s voice sounds tiny, Chanyeol closes in on himself, he’s scared. 

“Chanyeol, please don’t push the people who love you the most away. Let us in, we’re here to help, because won’t you want to help us too if it was the other way around?” 

Minseok reasons but Chanyeol continues to shake his head. This was different from the previous time he had helped him friends when they were going through something tough. 

“I’m scared of d-dying. I don’t w-want you guys wasting time and energy on me when I, I-I really might die” 

Chanyeol rubs at his eyes which were already red and puffy. 

Minseok plucks two tissues and dabs them softly at the corners of Chanyeol’s eyes before taking Chanyeol’s hands in his. 

“That’s when you are wrong Chanyeol. Time and energy spent on you will never be consider wasted” 

Minseok makes Chanyeol look at him. 

“We take care of you and we care for you because we love you. We all do” 

Minseok gives Chanyeol a small smile. 

“You are someone worthy of love Chanyeol. You spent so long being the caregiver, the strong one, the one who protects us all.” 

Minseok pushes a loose strand of hair out of Chanyeol’s face. 

“Let us do this for you in return for all you’ve done” 

Minseok looks at Chanyeol, and blinks slowly. 

“We’ll all be here for you regardless of whether you let us or not. Don’t let your fear of hurting us push us away Chanyeol, because it would only end up hurting us more” 

Minseok lets out a deep breath of air he didn’t know he was holding. 

Chanyeol blinks slowly, trying to blink away any remnants of tears he still had. 

“Chanyeol?” 

Minseok doesn’t know what was going on in the taller boy’s mind. 

Chanyeol doesn’t say anything, instead, he reaches forward and pulls Minseok in for a hug, one where he uses whatever strength he has to hug the other man. Minseok returns the hug with the same intensity, happy his words managed to get through to the other boy. 

\---

Chanyeol promises to let Minseok have another one of these talks with him. Minseok gets the name of Chanyeol’s doctor so that he can be his psychiatrist in charge, Chanyeol thinks it would be a much better fit since he actually felt comfortable enough with Minseok to actually talk about his deeper thoughts, thoughts he didn’t know how to address with Kris, as nice as the other man was.

\---

Minseok was telling Chanyeol about how he should start writing as a way to document his thoughts and keep track of his emotions when they suddenly hear the doorbell ring. 

Chanyeol’s eyes widen, were they expecting more guests? 

Minseok tells Chanyeol to sit tight in the room while he goes out to check on it. 

Chanyeol waits in the room til there is a small knock on the door and a familiar bald head appears as the door opens. 

“Kyungsoo” 

Chanyeol’s mouth opens just lightly, before it curves into a smile. He missed the tinier boy. 

“Yeol, I heard you weren’t feeling well” 

Kyungsoo frowns, walking into the room with Minseok behind. 

“So I brought you a little something special” 

Kyungsoo swings the little paper bag he brought with him 

Chanyeol’s eyes widens as Kyungsoo takes a plastic box out of the bag. 

A box filled with Delimanjoo, in the shape of Cs and Ks. His favourite. He knew that Kyungsoo made them for him at their bakery.

Chanyeol looks at the smol bald man. Kyungsoo was always more of a man of action rather than words. 

“Yes, he’s awake. Yes, I cooked his favourite, Kimchi fried rice. Wait, you can talk to him yourself” 

Chen’s voice can be heard talking to someone as he enters the room, before he passes the phone to Chanyeol.

Chanyeol raises his brows a little before taking over the phone, it was on facetime mode and Sehun was there, and by his side, Jongin. 

“Yeol, how are you?” 

Chanyeol doesn’t miss the way that Sehun’s face lights when he comes on the screen. 

“Baby, are you okay?” 

Jongin can’t help but ask as soon as he sees Chanyeol. 

Everyone looks at Chanyeol for an answer. 

Chanyeol realises he was tearing up, feeling a bit overwhelmed by the love he was recieving. 

“Baby?” 

Chanyeol hears Jongin calling him again. 

“Are you crying? Why are you sad?”

Jongin frowns.

Chanyeol shakes his head, he laughs. 

“I’m not sad. These are happy tears. I have a smile on my face, see?” 

Chanyeol says as he laughs out again. 

Chanyeol’s eyes lights up when he sees his friends smile back at him too.

Minseok was right so many people loved him, he just needed to let them in. 

Chanyeol knew nothing had changed, he was still very much dying. But for his friends beside him, no, with his friends beside him, he has a smile on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love from friends is one of the best loves in the world!!!!! I hope all of you are doing great!!!


	9. Oasis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Really really dark thoughts, please read with caution:(

Chanyeol felt like his life was currently like a desert. He lives his live day by day walking around aimlessly, he doesn’t know if there is a way out, he doesn’t know where he started and he doesn’t know if he is making any progress. Chanyeol doesn’t know what he hoped to achieve, what he was looking for.

Chanyeol tries to snap himself out of it as he looks over at Minseok’s sleeping form. He had to stop trying to draw meaningless links from the boring documentary they were watching and his own life. Watch the discovery channel Minseok had said, it’ll be interesting he said. Chanyeol laughs to himself as he sees a little bit of drool forming at the corner of the older man’s mouth. He takes out his phone and takes a quick picture to show Chen the next day. 

Chanyeol considers waking the other man up, telling him to go back to his room to join Chen for bed. But as he plans to get up and turn off the television, his eyes are drawn to the screen, where he sees a beautiful sight. 

Oasis. An oasis is a kind of nature’s miracle. It is a fertile area of land where water is found and it usually magically appears in the middle of a dessert. Chanyeol can’t seem to look away from the screen. The shots of the oasis were beautiful. And Chanyeol can’t seem to shake the thoughts about it, can’t seem to stop drawing the connections to his own life. 

Oasis. Chanyeol knows what his oasis is. Baekhyun. It has always been Baekhyun and it will always, without a doubt be Baekhyun. The most beautiful person he has ever known. Chanyeol knows that he would walk a desert and more to find someone like Baekhyun. Baekhyun was a miracle and a breath of fresh air in his life. 

“C-chan?” 

Chanyeol is snapped back to reality when he hears the older man call for him. 

“O-Oh my gosh, I fell asleep watching this boring ass show”

Minseok laughs out as he looks at Chanyeol. 

Chanyeol smiles at the other man, just thinking of the unflattering photos he took of the other man. 

“You must be tired too, let’s go to bed? I’ll tuck you in”

Minseok suggests as he gets up and stretches. 

Chanyeol wants to argue, tell the smaller man he doesn’t need to be tucked in like a child. But Chanyeol decides that it had been a long day and he was drained, so he simply nods and allows Minseok to lead the way back to Chen’s room and tuck him in. 

Chanyeol lies on Chen’s bed, taking it all in. He just couldn’t shake the thought of the oasis, of the image he had of it in his head. He only finally drifts off while he thinks of Baekhyun and the conversation they once had about visiting Japan together and riding camels there with one another. Chanyeol falls asleep with a small smile on his face. 

\---

Chanyeol wakes up with breakfast already made for him, Chen even brings it into his room for him on a tray so he can have it in bed. Chanyeol’s heart swells up as he thinks about just how nice his friends are. Chanyeol was in a good mood, nothing but happy thoughts until-

“So Yeol” 

Chen takes a big mouthful of his scrambled eggs. 

“I was just wondering, why haven’t you told Baekhyun?”

Chen asks casually before looking up to face the taller man. 

Chanyeol stares at Chen a bit blankly. 

Chanyeol places his fork down. 

Chanyeol doesn’t know. 

Chanyeol honestly doesn’t know. 

It has always just something innate and within him that felt like this should be hidden from Baekhyun, that he needed to protect Baekhyun from the truth. Chanyeol thinks maybe, deep down, he’s scared. He doesn’t want to address the fact that he likes Baekhyun and he doesn’t want the boy he likes to worry about anything, much less him. 

“I think Baek has more than enough to worry about” 

Chanyeol clears his throat before picking his fork up to eat more of the cherry tomatoes on his plate. 

Chanyeol thinks that what he said was true, Baekhyun was going to be the CEO of a company, he didn’t have time to sit around and worry about his friend dying. 

“But Chanyeol” 

Chen decides to say. 

“He’s your best friend” 

Chen looks at Chanyeol in the eye again. 

“Don’t you think he deserves to know?” 

Chen doesn’t know if it was over stepping a boundary to even be saying this but he does anyway. 

Chanyeol pauses, he doesn’t really want to go to into it with Chen so early in the morning. 

“Chen, Baekhyun has a company to run, he has a wedding to plan, his father’s health isn’t doing so well, I don’t think I should be bothering him with any of my stupid problems right now” 

Chanyeol says, a bit angry that Chen was accusing him of keeping this from Baekhyun on purpose. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to tell the other man, he just didn’t know how to, not when Baekhyun already had so damn much on his plate. 

“You having cancer is not a stupid problem Yeol. I’m sure that even through all of those issues, Baekhyun would want to know, so he could be here for you”

Chen just wanted the best for Chanyeol. Honestly, he didn’t understand why the taller man would want to hide something so big from Baekhyun. In their eyes, Chanyeol and Baekhyun had always been the closest in their group of friends. 

“Then maybe I don’t want that” 

Chanyeol says flatly and Chen was a bit taken aback at his response. Chanyeol almost seemed shocked that the words even left his mouth. 

“Why won’t you want that?” 

Chen frowns. Chanyeol was unreadable. 

Chanyeol takes a breath, he was okay if the whole entire world knew he was dying, but not Baekhyun, never Baekhyun. He didn’t know how to make other people understand. 

“I don’t want him to see me like this” 

Chanyeol tries not to sound like he is about to break, he tries not to think about the deeper meaning behind his words. 

“I-I’ve just always, always been strong for him. I don’t want him to see me weak okay? I don’t want him to think I’ve changed. That I can’t even take care of my fucking self now” 

Chanyeol raises his voice a bit. But now that he started talking about it, he just can’t help but felt emotional. Chanyeol remembers how he always wanted to protect Baekhyun. Baekhyun had always been smaller than him and Chanyeol didn’t care that Baekhyun was a good 6 months older than him because in their relationship, Chanyeol had always been the stronger one. 

“I won’t know how to deal with that” 

Chanyeol admits and he hates how he sounded a bit broken, even to himself. 

Chen looked sad. He looked like he was going to cry. Chanyeol hates how he was the cause of it. 

“Chanyeol. I’ve known Baekhyun for close to 15 years and I know for a fact that Baekhyun won’t think you are weak or that you’ve changed”

Chen tries to get Chanyeol to look at him. 

“Baekhyun appreciates you always standing up for him, always being there for him, always being strong when he can’t be” 

Chanyeol hated dealing with his emotions and feelings regarding Baekhyun. 

“But you have to know it’s a two way street”

Chen holds Chanyeol’s hand and rubs circles on it. 

“You can’t deny Baekhyun the chance to be strong for you” 

Chen says and Chanyeol’s heart hurts, it hurts and hurts and hurts. 

“W-Why not?” 

Chanyeol blinks the tears away before they even have a chance of oozing out. 

Chanyeol thinks Chen will tell him that Baekhyun would be mad, that he would get angry when he does eventually find out, that Baekhyun will feel hurt because Chanyeol had hid it away from him for so long-

“Because Baekhyun loves you” 

Chen gives Chanyeol’s hand a tight squeeze and Chanyeol feels like his heart momentarily stops. 

Oasis. It feels like he found his temporary peace. Baekhyun. 

Chanyeol stares blankly at Chen, waiting for Chen to say something about that love being a brotherly love or a love that best friends have for one another. 

“Like you do?” 

Chanyeol clears his throat. He didn’t want Chen to get his hopes up again. 

Chen bites down on his lip. 

“It’s a bit different Yeol” 

Chen says, trying not to reveal too much. 

“In what way?” 

Chanyeol asks, voice smaller than it was previously. 

“I love you Yeol, don’t get me wrong. I love you so so much, but as a brother” 

Chen explains, eyes growing wide as he speaks. 

“But Baekhyun he-” 

Chen cuts himself off, unsure if he should even be saying it. 

“I would say it’s more like the kind of love I have for Min” 

Chen actually looks away at this, and Chanyeol can see Chen’s cheeks going red. 

“W-what?”

Chanyeol looks blankly at Chen, because what Chen was trying to say, if he didn’t get it wrong was that-

“Baekhyun loves you in a more than friends kind of way”

Chen clarifies and Chanyeol feels like his heart comes to a complete stop. Because this was everything that he had ever dreamt of and more. Chen had to be lying, or crazy or delusional. And it didn’t matter anyway. 

“Baekhyun is getting married in 4 months, to a girl”

To Taeyeon. In case Chen forgot. Chanyeol almost cries just reminding Chen of that fact that he struggles to keep in the bays of his mind. 

Chen pulls away briefly before running a hand through his hair. 

“I know.”

Chen feels like maybe he has already said too much, but he just couldn’t stand by and watch his two good friends do this. 

“But what do you feel?”

Chen decides to turn it around and ask Chanyeol instead. 

“W-what?”

Chanyeol had never been more confused in his life. Where was all of this even coming from? 

“What do you feel about Baekhyun?”

Chen probes, knowing he had already long overstepped the boundaries in this conversation. 

“I-I don’t know what I feel” 

Chanyeol lies because it was easier than admitting the truth. 

Chen looks at Chanyeol before he lowers his voice. 

“Chan, Baekhyun is going to get married, to someone else, in 4 months, what do you feel about that?” 

Chanyeol looks at Chen and realises that Chen was being completely serious. 

“I-I don’t know” 

Chanyeol lies again, wishing he could run away from this conversation. He didn’t want to have to deal with this right now.

“Chanyeol, I’ve seen the way you look at Baekhyun, what you’ve done for him. He is getting married soon and he doesn’t even know that you have stage 3 prostate cancer, what do you feel ab-”

That was when Chanyeol actually loses it. 

“Jongdae, stop”

Chanyeol couldn’t seem to stop the tears from escaping his eyes now, and this was supposed to be a happy morning. 

“You know what I feel? I feel like shit. Because I don’t know where you are even getting all of this from. Baekhyun, is in love, with a girl, and he is getting married to a girl. And if you haven’t forgotten, that girl is Taeyeon, who not only the sweetest person I know but she is someone I actually consider a friend”

Chanyeol couldn’t help but feel that he was trying to convince himself more than he was convincing Chen. 

“Baekhyun doesn’t and will never love me in a way that is more than a friend. And it doesn’t matter if I have cancer or whether he is getting married.”

Chanyeol doesn’t know what Jongdae wanted, bringing this up. He hated everything, but it was like he was suddenly forced with the deepest thoughts that he never wanted to deal with. 

“Hell, nothing matters Jongdae. Because at the end of the day, Baekhyun is straight, he sure as hell doesn’t love me in a way that is anything more than a friend and yeah, you might be able to see I have a big ass gay crush on him, that I have loved him for years. But-t I am literally fucking dying. So does it even matter what I feel about him?”

Chanyeol’s heart hurt. Chanyeol felt like the biggest idiot in the world. These were all things he knew, long ago, years ago, but he always had a blind and irrational hope that one day, one day Baekhyun would return his feelings, that Baekhyun was going to love him the same way he loved him. 

But Chanyeol realises, as he vocalises his thoughts and feelings, how stupid it all was. He had been looking for an oasis like Baekhyun all this time, but maybe, maybe it doesn’t exist. Maybe Chanyeol was going to be wandering around for days, months, years, craving, hell, thirsting for Baekhyun’s love, hoping for a miracle. And maybe if there was nothing pressing him to wake up, Chanyeol would be fine with doing just that. But Baekhyun was getting married for fuck’s sake. And Chanyeol was dying. Chanyeol wasn’t just suffering from cancer, Chanyeol was pretty damn sure he was dying of cancer.

Chanyeol couldn’t help but feel hurt. His head hurt from thinking about this so much. His heart hurt from feeling so much for someone who would never reciprocate this love. His chest hurts- It hurts so badly, it hurts to even breathe, it becomes hard to breathe, Chanyeol feels like he can’t breathe-

“Chanyeol, Chanyeol? You’re scaring me”

Chanyeol tries again to calm himself down, but it was hard, through the tears and the overwhelming amount of emotions. 

“Min! Come here! Min!” 

Chanyeol could only hear Jongdae screaming for Minseok to come in and he soon hears footsteps stomping their way into the room. 

It hurt so much, Chanyeol feels like he was going to pass out. 

“Chanyeol, hey, listen to me” 

Chanyeol tries to focus. He really tries. 

“Chanyeol, breathe for me”

Chanyeol knows what he has to do to calm down, but it doesn’t seem to be working, Chanyeol cries because he couldn’t find the strength to even breathe properly. His whole body hurt. 

“Chanyeol, try again, slow, deep breaths”

Chanyeol was trying, he gasps but he still couldn’t calm down. His chest ached and he couldn’t tell if it is because of his heart or from the lack of oxygen.

Chanyeol could vaguely tell that someone was removing the tray that was over his legs and helping him lie back onto the bed. He hears a muffled discussion that he couldn’t really make out the words of, but somewhere along the way, he knows Chen leaves the room. Chanyeol feels his heart racing and it pained him so much that he could only lie there and let the pain take over his entire body. His chest was tight and he still couldn’t breathe. Chanyeol panics for a whole different reason. 

“Chanyeol”

Minseok. Chanyeol tries to tune in and use Minseok’s voice to ground himself. 

“You are having a full blown panic attack. I’m going to have to give you something to help you come down okay?”

Chanyeol closes his eyes tight, he tries to say something, but whatever comes out of his mouth was nothing but a muffled sob. 

Chanyeol feels hands on his shoulders firmly holding in place, before a needle is pierced into his forearm. 

“It’s going to be okay Chanyeol” 

That was the last thing Chanyeol hears before he feels a wave of powerlessness take over his body. 

Chanyeol could breathe again. 

“You are okay Chanyeol”

Chanyeol feels relaxed again. 

“Get some rest okay”

Chanyeol drifts off to the sound of Minseok whispering sweet nothings and rubbing circles onto his skin. 

Chanyeol tries not to focus on his thoughts that were yelling at him. 

Baekhyun doesn’t love you. Not in the way you love him. And he will never love you in that way. 

Chanyeol bites on his lip. He knows now that the painful tightest in his chest wasn’t from the lack of oxygen, it was from his heart.

\---

Chanyeol wakes up, hours later and his throat is dry, so dry that it hurts. He feels parched, thirsty. Like he was walking in the dessert and in search of an oas-

“Chanyeol?” 

Chanyeol opens his eyes. 

“Minseok told me that you would be feeling really thirsty because of the drug he gave you”

Chen. 

“I brought you some water?” 

Jongdae hold up a cup of water with a straw at the side for Chanyeol to gently sip from. 

Chanyeol blinks at Jongdae. He was unsure of what to say to the other man. 

“Thanks”

Chanyeol’s voice was raspy and raw, he really needed the water.

Chanyeol pushes himself up and shakily takes the cup from Jongdae. Jongdae keeps his hands on the glass as Chanyeol sips from the straw slowly. 

“I’m sorry” 

Jongdae says as Chanyeol finishes the water and moves back to ge comfortable on the bed once again. 

Chanyeol looks at the man briefly and nods, he didn’t want to talk about it. 

\---

Minseok comes in a while later to check on Chanyeol.

“Do you want to talk about it?” 

Minseok asks, trying to get Chanyeol to open up. But Chanyeol rather never bring it up ever again. The more he thought about it, the more it hurt. 

“I’m not well enough right now” 

Chanyeol finds himself, for the first time, using his illness and his weakness as a way to get out of something he didn’t want to do. He feels terrible. 

“Okay” 

Minseok just rubs his hand softly. 

“We don’t have to”

Minseok assures him. 

Chanyeol wasn’t tired. 

Chanyeol didn’t think he needed to sleep anymore. 

But Chanyeol closes his eyes because he wanted to escape from his thoughts, his feelings, from everything. 

\---

Chanyeol wakes up in a shock. Because while he had nothing to do on most days, he had a very special dance performance to watch on the TV that day. He wakes up to his phone buzzing instantly and for a while he thought he had accidentally overslept past the live broadcast. 

He checks the clock, 2.45pm, thank god. He woke up 15 minutes before the broadcast.

Without checking the caller ID, Chanyeol answers the call. 

“Hello?” 

Chanyeol hates that his throat was still a bit raspy. 

“Yeol?” 

Chanyeol eyes widen as he hears the familiar voice over the phone. This couldn’t be. 

“J-Jongin? W-why are you calling me?”

Chanyeol checks the time again, Jongin was supposed to be on stage in about 10 minutes, what the hell was he doing calling him?

“I heard from Sehun that you weren’t well in the morning”

Chanyeol could hear how worried Jongin was. 

“Baby, are you okay? How are you feeling now?”

Chanyeol’s heart feels weird again. He wants to blame it on the after effects of the drug he was administered earlier that day but he knows it was because of Jongin and what he was doing. 

“J-Jongin. You are at the competition right now. You are supposed to be performing on stage in a few minutes. You shouldn’t be wasting time calling me” 

Chanyeol was angry, frustrated. If Jongin lost the competition because he was distracted, because of him, Chanyeol would feel so damn upset with himself. 

“I was worried. I couldn’t focus. I-I can’t focus unless I know you are okay”

Chanyeol’s heart hurts in a whole other way. He didn’t deserve this, he didn’t deserve Jongin. 

“I-I’m fine Jongin. Please don’t worry about me. Please focus on your dance performance”

Chanyeol tries to sound okay over the phone and he hopes to god that Jongin can’t tell. 

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Jongin says instead and Chanyeol runs a hand through his hair briefly. 

“Jongin, go. We can talk about me and my stupid issues another time. You need to go, focus on winning” 

Chanyeol can’t believe that he was even telling Jongin this. He couldn’t believe that the other man was calling him when he should be prioritising-

“None of your issues are stupid Chan.”

Jongin says with a seriousness that strikes a cord within Chanyeol. 

“Will you be watching?” 

Jongin asks after a small pause. 

Chanyeol takes a deep breath. 

“Of course, I wouldn’t miss it for the world” 

Chanyeol could hear the smile that was on Jongin’s face. 

“Good, cause I’m going to win” 

Jongin says with a confidence that puts a smile on Chanyeol’s face as well. 

“For you”

Chanyeol feels his heart stop for a moment and then speed up again. 

Chanyeol could hear some muffled shouting from Jongin’s end.

“Hey Yeol, I got to go but I’ll call you later?”

Jongin tells him softly. 

“Yes, go, please”

Chanyeol tells him, just as soft. 

“You can do it, all the best” 

Chanyeol believes that Jongin can do it, he always can. 

“Thanks Yeollie, don’t forget that I’ll be waiting to hear all about your problems”

Jongin says with a tone so warm that Chanyeol feels safe. 

“And again, they are not stupid if they affect you. I want to hear about them”

Chanyeol feels undeserving, again. 

“I love you”

Jongin says and even through the phone, even with people screaming and music blasting over from Jongin’s end, even a country away, Chanyeol could tell that Jongin means it. 

There is a pause because Chanyeol doesn’t know what to say. 

“Goodbye-”

Chanyeol could hear Jongin clear his throat as he tries to say goodbye. 

“I love you too”

Chanyeol tells the other man and it feels oddly right. 

The laugh, the warm, too precious for this world laugh, he hears from the other end makes Chanyeol know it was right. 

“Go kill it”

Chanyeol encourages the dancer and he could hear the excitement in the other man’s voice. 

“Anything for you”

Jongin laughs again before Chanyeol hears another shout calling for Jongin. 

“Go!”

Chanyeol has to actually raise his voice at the other man to remind him to hang up. 

“Bye!”

Jongin finally says before he finally ends the call. 

Chanyeol stares at his phone in his lap for a moment. Somehow, his heart doesn’t hurt as much as it did anymore. 

\---

Chanyeol leaves his room, or well, Chen’s room and he sees that Chen and Minseok already got the living room setup. Minseok’s laptop was already connected to the television in the living room and the website they were on was the free to air, Japan channel which the competition would be broadcasted on. 

“We were just going to wake you”

Minseok tells that taller man, pointing to the sofa where they saved Chanyeol a seat. 

“I made some food too, I’ll go grab some for you”

Chen clears his throat and proceeds to head to the kitchen to scoop Chanyeol a serving of porridge he made specially for the tall boy. 

Chanyeol takes a seat beside Minseok and takes the bowl of congee from Chen when he reenters the living room. 

“Thanks guys”

Chanyeol says, rather awkwardly. 

“Yeol, I’m really sorry for this morning, I was too much, I went too far-”

Chen bows his head, guilty that he triggered Chanyeol til he went into a panic attack. He should not have pushed.

“Dae, it’s fine. Really. I’m fine now”

Chanyeol puts a stop to this topic. 

“Let’s focus on the show instead?”

Chanyeol tries to change the focus and Chen allows him to, giving him a smile before they turn to face the screen. 

\---

As usual, Jongin has a solo in the middle of the group performance and Chanyeol couldn’t help but feel proud, feel happy, feel excited that that was his Jongin out there killing it on stage. 

Chanyeol takes out his phone and snaps a few photos of Jongin on the screen, completely in awe of the other man. It felt like the first time he ever saw the man dance again. Everytime felt like the first time. 

“Who’s that?”

Minseok asks, noting that Chanyeol was smiling as he put his phone away. 

Chanyeol raises a brow. Oh yeah, Chen and Minseok had no idea who Jongin was. 

“That’s Jongin. Sehun’s groupmate”

Chanyeol says, eyes still glued to the screen. 

“Yeah, we know that, but who’s he to you?”

Chen asks as he grabs a handful of chips to put into his mouth. 

Chanyeol freezes for a moment. He doesn’t know. Honestly, Jongin used to be his friend with benefits but now, they didn’t even have sex anymore, so what did that make Jongin?

Chanyeol considers saying a friend, but that didn’t feel right. Because Jongin was, in a way, more than that. 

“A good friend” 

Chanyeol says, noting that it sounded pretty weird, coming out from his own mouth. 

Chen and Minseok seemed interested to know what he meant by that, but thankfully, Sehun pops up on screen at that and Chanyeol directs attention to his best friend instead. 

Chanyeol couldn’t shake the question though. 

Who was Jongin to him?

\---

Chanyeol actually felt nervous. Chanyeol didn’t know why he was nervous, it wasn’t his dance team, it shouldn’t matter so much to him, but it did. Because he knew how much it mattered to Sehun, how much it matter to Jongin. He heard Jongin talk about how excited he was to choreograph the whole dance and how happy it was for him to see it all come together after so long. Chanyeol had to admit, he was so proud of the other man. 

“And the winner of the International Dance Competition 2019 is Team SKY!” 

Chanyeol’s heart swells up, with happiness and with joy and with something he couldn’t really put his finger on. 

Chen and Minseok does a little cheer in their seats and Chanyeol couldn’t help but smile as he looks at the screen showing various members of the team. 

Everyone was so happy, some people were crying, Sehun was hugging Jongin, Jongin. 

“We’ll invite the choreographer and team leader to say a few words”

The MC says and the korean translator beside him tells the audience. 

The team goes silent out of respect, people are patting Jongin on the back as he walks forward to take the mic while holding onto the award. 

Chanyeol smiles because Jongin deserved it, he deserves everything. 

“On behalf of the team, I would like to thank the judges for choosing us as the top team”

Jongin starts and Chanyeol could tell exactly how nervous the boy was. 

“I want to thank each and every single one of my members for the hours they all put in to perfect this piece, it was amazing to see it come together”

Jongin turns and bows towards his team. 

“And lastly, I would like to thank the most important person, the one who inspired all of this, this whole dance, my muse” 

Jongin says and he looks straight at the camera. 

“The theme of this year’s competition is love and I hoped that through this piece, it could show exactly that, that it could show and express how I feel about this special someone who I hold so close to my heart”

Jongin smiles. He holds the trophy up in the sky. 

“Thank you so much Park Chanyeol. I love you”

There is a shit load of cheers, some gasps, a lot of screaming and the loudest applause of the evening. 

Jongin was blushing as he steps off the podium, his group mates pulling him in and saying something that Chanyeol couldn’t make up. 

Chanyeol stares blankly at the screen. He has lost all feelings in his chest. He doesn’t know what to even feel anymore. Jongin, had just confessed his love for him, on national television. Chanyeol doesn’t know what to say. 

“What the hell?”

Chen says it nearly a full minute after it happens. Everyone was just too shocked, they needed a moment for it to settle in. 

“Chanyeol”

Chen turns to face Chanyeol. 

“Are you sure Jongin is just a good friend to you?”

Chanyeol realises that his mouth was still slightly agape so he shuts it and tries to turn away. 

Honestly, he has no idea, that came out of nowhere. 

Okay, Chanyeol knows it was not out of nowhere. Because Jongin has mentioned before that he loved Chanyeol. But it was one thing to say it to him in the bedroom, alone and another to profess it to Chanyeol in front of thousands of people. 

Chanyeol doesn’t know what to feel. 

“You want to talk about it?”

Minseok asks, with a soft voice. 

Chanyeol takes a deep breath. 

“No, not really” 

Chanyeol admits and Chen and Minseok decide to drop it. 

Chanyeol knew this was something he had to think through by himself. 

Who was Jongin to him?

\---

Jongin texts him. 

Of course he does. 

And Chanyeol was confused. 

Jongin loves him. 

Jongin has seen every side of him. 

The good, and the very very bad. 

Hell, Jongin has seen him on days when he breaks completely, days he wishes never even existed, days when he wishes he never even existed. 

And yet, through it all, Jongin loved him. 

Chanyeol doesn’t know why. 

“Did you watch till the end:)?”

Chanyeol looks at him phone and his heart feels weird. He doesn’t know what to say. 

“Yeah, I did” 

Chanyeol texts back, because he knows that Jongin would definitely be upset if he doesn’t.

“Are you upset?” 

Jongin notes how Chanyeol wasn’t using any emojis, he didn’t know how the other man felt. 

“I’m just shocked” 

Chanyeol sends back, because it’s true, he was, very, very shocked. 

“I just wanted you to know”

Chanyeol looks at the text blankly. 

“No pressure though”

Chanyeol doesn’t know what to feel. 

“It’s okay if you don’t feel the same way”

Chanyeol takes a deep breath. 

“I just want you to know that I’ll always be here”

Chanyeol feels undeserving. 

“Because I love you”

Chanyeol throws his phone to the side. 

Today had just been a whirlwind of emotions. 

\---

Minseok comes into Chanyeol’s room a while later as Chen heads out to get dinner for them. 

“Yeol?”

Minseok asks, knocking on the door. 

“Hmm?”

Chanyeol wasn’t doing much, just staring at the ceiling, and thinking. 

“Can I come in?”

Minseok asks and Chanyeol hums again. 

“Can we talk?” 

Minseok asks and Chanyeol is a bit hesitant. There were so many things on his mind right now. 

“Sometimes it’s better to air your thoughts, it might help you process things better”

Minseok always knew the right things to say. 

Chanyeol pushes himself upright at that. 

“Yeah…”

Chanyeol replies, looking at the side of the room. 

“What are you thinking about Yeol?”

Minseok clears his throat and turns to the taller man. 

Honestly, Chanyeol’s brain was in a mess. There was Baekhyun, the best friend who would never love him back. There was Jongin, the man that was supposed to be a friend with benefits but loved him too much. And then, there was cancer and him dying to mess everything up. All that thrown into the whole equation made Chanyeol so frustrated, so lost. 

“I’m confused” 

Chanyeol puts it simply. 

“Why?”

Minseok asks, just as simply. 

Chanyeol takes a breath. 

“I don’t know what I want” 

Chanyeol admits and it’s the truth. He doesn’t, he really doesn’t. 

“It’s okay to not know”

Minseok comforts him. 

“Why don’t you tell me everything, I’m sure I could help you work something out” 

Minseok assures Chanyeol and Chanyeol considers just coming clean about everything. 

There is a pause and Minseok opens his mouth, ready to tell Chanyeol that it’s alright if he was not okay sharing. 

“There is this boy”

Cause when is there not a boy?

“That I have loved for years”

Chanyeol knows it was obvious who he was talking about, but he refuses to say his name, because saying it out loud made it too real. 

Minseok nods, egging him to continue. 

“I love him so much, so so much”

Chanyeol smiles a bit, just at the thought of Baekhy-

“But”

There was always a but. 

“He doesn’t love me back”

Chanyeol drops the smile. 

“And then there is another boy”

Chanyeol can’t believe how lucky.

“This amazing boy, who for some reason, loves me”

How damn lucky he is to have Jongin. 

“It started off as a friend who I hooked up with from time to time” 

Chanyeol bites on his lower lip. 

“But somewhere along the line”

Chanyeol doesn’t understand how.

“He fell in love with me”

Chanyeol honestly doesn’t know why. 

Chanyeol looks at Minseok, lost. 

“Do you love him?”

Minseok asks. 

“The 2nd boy”

Minseok clarifies. 

Chanyeol opens his mouth, to close it again. 

“All these years, it has always been Bae- Boy one”

Chanyeol hates how he almost says it out. How he almost says his name. 

“Always him in my heart”

Chanyeol knows it is so stupid. 

“I always loved him”

Chanyeol knows he is an idiot. 

“And only him”

Chanyeol is a fool when he was in love. 

“But he is getting married”

Chanyeol knows Minseok knew all this already. 

“To a girl”

Chanyeol was just telling this to himself. 

“And I still love him”

Chanyeol knows he was the dumbest person alive. 

“And I never even tried to stop”

Chanyeol doesn’t know if it was possible to. 

“And I never even tried to love Boy 2”

Chanyeol says flatly. 

Minseok looks at Chanyeol, thinking of the right thing to say. 

“But maybe that doesn’t matter”

Chanyeol looks away. 

“Because who cares right?”

Chanyeol holds his hands to his chest. 

“I’m dying.”

Chanyeol says softly, because he has slowly learnt to accept it. 

“It would be pointless anyway”

Chanyeol looks at his hands as he clenches them tightly. 

“I would just be a waste of time”

Chanyeol bites down on his lower lip. 

“Hey”

Minseok gently wraps his smaller hand around Chanyeol’s. 

“You are not a waste of time, Park Chanyeol”

Minseok interlocks their fingers. 

“Every second with you is precious” 

Minseok looks at him, eyes big. 

“Never a waste”

Minseok gives Chanyeol a small nod. 

Chanyeol nods his head, even though he still doesn’t believe the other man 100%. 

“Now for Boy 2, do you think you could love him?”

Minseok asks and Chanyeol stares in return. Because, he doesn’t know. He has never tried. He doesn’t know if he even should. Would it just be a waste-

“If you weren’t dying, would you want to try?” 

Minseok changes the angle of his question and Chanyeol feels like it was a clear and easy yes. Yes, he would want to try. He would want to go on cute dates with Jongin. He would want to drive and pick Jongin up after work. He would want to surprise the other man with flowers and gifts and lift him up and make him happy-

“Yes”

Chanyeol says and his heart leaps at that. 

“Do you think you could get over boy 1?”

Minseok asks, looking at Chanyeol, treading carefully because he knew exactly who boy 1 was. 

Chanyeol pauses. 

It had been years and Chanyeol still felt the same fiery passion and intense love for his best friend, Chanyeol doesn’t know if that love will ever die down. Well, Chanyeol has never tried to put it out-

“If you really kill all chances with him in your head, if you tell yourself, you really do have to stop thinking about him that way. Do you think you could move on?”

Minseok rephrases but Chanyeol is still unsure. 

“I don’t know”

Chanyeol admits. 

“I’ve never tried”

Chanyeol knows that after so long, maybe he should. 

“Chanyeol, could you try to?”

Minseok asks. 

“For not only boy 2, but for yourself”

Minseok wants Chanyeol to know, this, at the end of the day, should be for himself. 

“If you know that loving someone like boy 1 so intensely is going to end up only in pain, is only going to end up hurting you, could you let it go? Or at least try to let it go?”

Minseok asks gently and Chanyeol feels something in his heart breaking, but something in his brain click. Because there it was, the truth. 

“I don’t know”

Chanyeol says again, because it was easier than saying anything else. 

“Moving on, choosing to consciously stop loving someone, is hard Chanyeol”

Minseok isn’t going to sugarcoat it. 

“Because sometimes, our love for someone can be the purest”

Minseok looks up at Chanyeol. 

“The strongest”

Minseok was speaking from experience.

“It may seem like nothing else will ever compare to it”

Minseok takes a breath. 

“Like no one will ever compare to them, no one will ever match up”

Minseok gives Chanyeol a smile. 

“But sadly, sometimes our love is not enough” 

Minseok drops the smile. 

“And it isn’t our faults, even if we feel like we are lacking, it isn’t our faults”

Chanyeol’s heart hurt but he knows that it’s true. 

“It’s not their fault too, even if we wish we could blame them because it would be easier, it’s not their fault too” 

Chanyeol knows it wasn’t Baekhyun’s fault that he didn’t feel the same way. 

“That’s just life” 

Minseok says flatly. 

“And when we get into a situation like that”

Minseok blinks and gives Chanyeol’s hand a squeeze. 

“We need to know how to let go”

Chanyeol pulls away from Minseok’s hold for just a moment, just to wipe a few tears away. 

Minseok’s words hurt, but that was because his words were the truth. 

“You’re right”

Chanyeol breathes out. 

Chanyeol has known this for a long time. He needed to let this go. He needed to let Baekhyun go, a long long time ago. Let him go completely and stop harbouring hopes that one day, one day would change his mind and realise-

“I need to let Baekhyun go”

Chanyeol admits and it feels oddly liberating. 

Chanyeol looks at Minseok and he takes a deep breath. 

“It’s time”

Chanyeol adds, because it was time years ago. Chanyeol had just been letting this drag on for too long. He needed to move on from Baekhyun, to finally get on with his life, or what was left of it.

Minseok just gives Chanyeol a small nod, hoping that this would be the right decision for Chanyeol. 

Chanyeol nods back, hoping the exact same thing.

\---

Chanyeol thought it was ridiculous that Chen and Minseok were still having this argument at all.

“Neither of you have to take the day off, I’m fine really”

Chanyeol knew they were only so insistent because they cared, but deep down Chanyeol didn’t like how they really felt like he wasn’t strong enough to deal with this himself. 

“You have to go to the hospital for a session Chanyeol, one of us should pick you up and stay with you”

Chen says, trying to reason with the taller boy. 

“I’ll be fine, I’ll take a cab back to my own place after my Chemo. Sehun is going to be back this evening anyway. It’ll be okay”

Chanyeol knew his chemo session was going to leave him a bit drained and tired but he has already troubled the other two too much, he could deal with this himself. 

“Chanyeol”

Minseok says with a concerned tone. 

“We want to be there cause we’re worried” 

Chanyeol knows, he really does. 

“Okay, hope about I stay there if I’m too out of it. They have resting rooms. I’ll call you guys if I’m not well okay?” 

Chanyeol says to put their minds at rest. 

Chen and Minseok look at one another for a brief moment. 

“Please guys, go to work”

Chanyeol actually whines before the other two finally give in. 

Chanyeol smiles at the small victory. 

\---

Okay. 

Chanyeol felt okay. 

It was the end of the session and Chanyeol expects the worse, but he feels okay. 

Maybe he was really getting used to it, getting used to Chemo, as sad as that sounded. 

Sure, Chanyeol still felt a bit dizzy, a little tired, but not so much that he felt unable to get home himself. 

Chanyeol smiles a little to himself as he gets ready to go home-

Chanyeol suddenly feels his phone vibrate. 

New Message from Baekhyunie:  
Yeol, r u off today?

Chanyeol looks at his phone, stares at it for a moment. 

New Message to Baekhyunie:  
Yeah, I am! Why?

Chanyeol hates that Baekhyun doesn’t know. That he was still keeping this from him. There was a point in his life he would tell the other man anything and everything. And now, he felt a need to hide the biggest thing that was going on in his life. 

New Message from Baekhyunie:   
Do you want to come over?

Chanyeol looks at his phone, his heart leaps, twirls, jumps, dances-

Why was Baekhyun at home? 

New message from Baekhyunie:  
Could you please come over?

Chanyeol’s heart stops. Was something wrong, was Baekhyun okay, what happened? Chanyeol’s mind almost goes crazy thinking the worst. 

Chanyeol calls the other man, heart beating faster and faster-

“Hello?”

Chanyeol could hear over the phone that Baekhyun sounded sick. 

“Baek, are you okay?”

Chanyeol hears a series of violent coughs from the other end and he could tell for sure that it was a no. 

“I-I’m sick”

Chanyeol’s heart swells up. 

Protect!!!!!!

Chanyeol’s mind screams at him, impossible to ignore. 

“I’ll be over in 30 minutes”

Chanyeol doesn’t even think, his heart responding for him. 

“Okay, thanks Yeol”

Baekhyun says, before Chanyeol hears another series of coughs. 

Chanyeol’s heart hurt, hearing Baekhyun sick made him feel useless, like he couldn’t do anything to help. But then again, Chanyeol knew that he himself was sick, and try as he might, it was useless and he couldn’t do anything to help himself.

\---

Chanyeol was a bit dizzy, just a bit, he considers lying down for a while before going over to Baekhyun’s house, but he had promised the other boy to be there soon, and Baekhyun was sick. Chanyeol pushes the discomfort aside. 

Chanyeol goes to the cafeteria and orders a bowl of porridge to go. He considers buying himself something to eat, but decides against it, worried he would puke it all up should he try to keep it down. He still wanted to be strong for Baekhyun, though somewhere in his head he could hear Minseok and his own voice to let Baekhyun know. 

\---

As Chanyeol gets to Baekhyun’s house, he thanks god, he thanks whoever was up there above, that he feels okay. That he doesn’t feel like he was going to pass out or collapse. He felt okay. 

Chanyeol knocks on the door and soon, a very sleepy looking Baekhyun with hair sticking out in odd angles answers the door. 

“Yeol, you’re here” 

Baekhyun says, voice raspy. 

Chanyeol frowns, Baekhyun looked tired, Baekhyun looked sick. 

“Let’s get you back in bed” 

Chanyeol says, allowing himself in and pulling gently on Baekhyun’s dainty wrist. 

“Hmm, I’m tired of being in bed” 

Baekhyun pulls his hand back from Chanyeol when they were in the living room, giving the taller man a pout. 

Chanyeol shouldn’t think that a grown man doing that is cute, but he does, because it’s Baekhyun. 

Chanyeol crosses his hands over his chest. 

“Then what do you want Mr Byun?”

Baekhyun looks at the ground and gives Chanyeol a small smile. 

“I wanna watch some movies with my best friend”

Baekhyun looks up and smiles wide at Chanyeol. 

Chanyeol considers the offer and decides that Baekhyun had to take his lunch too so he nods and lets Baekhyun get comfy on the couch while he goes to Baekhyun’s kitchen to grab a bowl for Baekhyun’s food. 

Chanyeol comes back to see Baekhyun covered in blankets, with one or two pillows by his side as he scrolls through netflix. Chanyeol smiles briefly at the sight, Baekhyun looked really warm and cuddly. 

“What should we watch?” 

Baekhyun asks happily, way too happy for someone who was down with a bad cold. 

“Anything you want to”

Chanyeol scoops some porridge out for his best friend before passing the bowl to Baekhyun. 

“I feel like watching something sad”

Baekhyun hums. 

“The fault in our stars?”

Baekhyun turns to look at Chanyeol for his opinion.

Chanyeol freezes, briefly. That movie hit a little close to home. 

“Omg can we please watch it, I think cancer movies are always the saddest and I’m in the mood to cry”

Baekhyun doesn’t seem to pick up on Chanyeol’s discomfort so Chanyeol just plasters on a smile and nods. 

“Anything you want” 

Because Chanyeol would always do anything Baekhyun wanted. 

\---

Baekhyun cries cause when does he not cry at a sad movie?

Chanyeol cries too because the movie really is fucking sad. 

Baekhyun stops crying because it’s just a movie. 

Chanyeol tries to stop crying because it’s just a movie. Just a stupid movie. Just a fucking dumb and unrealistic movie-

Chanyeol realises he can’t stop crying, even as the last scene ends, even as the credits start rolling, even as Baekhyun holds his hands asking if he’s okay. 

Chanyeol can’t stop crying because that may have been a movie, but now that the movie has ended, he has to deal with his life, which he knows was just as sad as the movie. 

“Chan? You’re scaring me” 

Baekhyun hugs Chanyeol closes to him, noting that his best friend felt bonier than he did in the past. 

“Yeollie, what’s wrong?”

Baekhyun was worried, because Chanyeol couldn’t stop crying, this wasn’t something that he had to deal much with before. 

“Yeol, please don’t cry, it’s just a movie” 

Baekhyun reminds Chanyeol as he pulls back, trying to look at Chanyeol in the eye. 

Chanyeol wants to break even more at that because it’s not just a movie. He was going to die. He was going to wound up like the main character, dead because of cancer and he’s going to leave behind Baekhyun-

Baekhyun who doesn’t even love him that way. 

Chanyeol cries even harder. 

Baekhyun was at a wits end, Chanyeol was acting weird and he didn’t know how to comfort him, how to calm him down, he only saw the man like this one time, and back then, he-

Even with a sore throat and a blocked nose, Baekhyun tries. 

“Baby don’t cry tonight, 

after it becomes dark. 

Baby don’t cry tonight,

It will be like none of this happened. 

It’s not you who will become short-lived.

So baby don’t cry, cry

Because my love will protect you”

Baekhyun sings for Chanyeol because it worked back then, so he was hoping it would work again now. 

Chanyeol gets a hold of himself, he snaps out of it. Baekhyun was worried, Baekhyun was tearing up looking at him, Baekhyun was holding him so closely, so intimately-

Chanyeol pulls away, putting some space between the two of them. 

“Are you okay Yeol? Do you need some water?” 

Baekhyun clears his throat before asking, still not sure where that outburst came from. 

Chanyeol shakes his head, Baekhyun shouldn’t be looking after him, he came over to look after the sick boy. 

“I-I should be asking you that”

Chanyeol says as he tries to get up. 

“I-I go get you some water”

Chanyeol only realises how shaky he was feeling when he tries to stand and he feels his legs wobble. 

Baekhyun reaches out and helps him settle back down. 

“You sit. I’m getting you and me some warm tea, then we are going to talk”

Baekhyun uses his commanding tone and Chanyeol just looks at the man blankly at that. Baekhyun was not playing around right now. 

Chanyeol nods and Baekhyun leaves to the kitchen to pour them both some tea. There was an unsettling feeling in Baekhyun’s heart, something was wrong, Chanyeol was hiding something from him. 

Baekhyun thinks and thinks about what he could be missing, but he couldn’t figure it out.

\---

Baekhyun settles two cups of tea in front of them. 

He decides against it, and actually takes Chanyeol’s cup and brings it to the taller man. 

“Drink some, it will help to calm you down” 

Baekhyun tells Chanyeol, before he assists Chanyeol in taking a small sip. 

“Good” 

Baekhyun hums, settling the cup back down. 

Baekhyun crosses his legs and then faces Chanyeol. 

“So, Yeol. What’s up?”

Baekhyun stares directly at Chanyeol, awaiting a response. 

Chanyeol considers this to be a good time to come clean, to tell Baekhyun everything, to talk it out, to let Baekhyun in on the secret and out of his heart. 

“N-nothing. I’m fine. It was just a sad movie” 

Chanyeol lies, trying to make it look convincing-

“Chanyeol, are you hiding something from me?” 

Baekhyun doesn’t let him bullshit his way out of this one. 

Chanyeol’s heart nearly stops when Baekhyun calls him out on his bullshit. 

“What’s wrong?”

Chanyeol thought that Baekhyun was mad, pissed, angry. 

“Please let me in”

But Baekhyun was none of that. 

“I want to help”

Baekhyun was worried. 

Chanyeol wants to tell Baekhyun. He wants to finally come clean, get it off his chest. 

Baekhyun coughs. And he coughs. And he coughs again. 

Chanyeol brings his friend near and pats him on the back. Touching Baekhyun, he could feel just how hot his friend’s skin was. Baekhyun was burning up. 

“You have a fever Baek”

Chanyeol frowns. 

“I don’t care. Tell me what’s wrong” 

Baekhyun says, with tears in his eyes from coughing so violently. 

Chanyeol thinks it’s time. Baekhyun should know. 

“The m-movie hit a bit too close to home” 

Chanyeol sees Baekhyun’s face change, he is sad, he frowns, he opens his mouth to say something.

“Because my friend has cancer”

Chanyeol knows it was an excuse, but he doesn’t tell Baekhyun because he thinks his best friend should rest. Now wasn’t a good time.

“Your friend has cancer?”

Baekhyun’s eyes widens a bit. 

“Yeah”

Chanyeol says sadly. 

“What cancer and how bad is it?”

Baekhyun asks, this time holding Chanyeol’s hand. 

“Prostate cancer” 

Chanyeol hasn’t told anyone but Junmyeon had mentioned that his cancer might have spread a bit more, it wasn’t a firm, confirmed stage 4 but it was probably getting-

“Stage 3”

Because Chanyeol wants it to stay there, just a while longer. 

“Oh”

Baekhyun doesn’t know what to say. 

“I’m so sorry”

Baekhyun frowns, hard. 

“Are the two of y’all close?”

Baekhyun looks up at Chanyeol with a pained look in his eyes. 

“Yeah”

Chanyeol tries not to choke up on his words. 

“We’re pretty close”

Chanyeol tries not to cry. 

Baekhyun pulls him in for another hug. 

Chanyeol tries to pretend that he did tell Baekhyun the truth, that that hug was because Baekhyun was afraid of losing him. 

“I’m here for you okay Yeollie? You need to stay strong for your friend. It must be hard for him.”

Baekhyun’s voice is soft, so soft. 

Chanyeol tries not to cry, he really does. 

“I think it is”

Chanyeol says. 

“I know it is”

Chanyeol says with certainty because it has been hard, very hard. 

“But at least he has you right?”

Baekhyun pulls back and looks at Chanyeol. 

“He has amazing friends to support him at a time like this”

Baekhyun blinks slowly, biting down on his lip. 

“He has an amazing person like you in his life to help him”

Baekhyun moves a bit closer, it was getting very intimate.

“You’ve always been here for me”

Baekhyun seem to have something click in his head. 

“With you around, everything gets better” 

Chanyeol doesn’t know if he’s wrong, but he sees Baekhyun’s eyes darting down at his lips as Baekhyun pulls him closer and closer-

Chanyeol’s heart clenches. 

No. 

This has to stop. 

“Thanks Baek”

Chanyeol breaks away, getting off the couch in a swift motion, clearing his throat. 

“You should get some rest” 

Chanyeol tries to busy himself, putting away the empty bowl that was on dining table.

Baekhyun rubs his neck awkwardly. 

“Yeah, I should” 

Baekhyun looks anywhere except at Chanyeol. 

“Could you tuck me in?” 

Chanyeol considers, even though he wants to leave and wants to get out, go home, get away from this. 

“I should go”

For the first time, Chanyeol doesn’t do what Baekhyun wants. 

“I’ll be on my way” 

Chanyeol says, even though his heart is screaming at him to stay. To question Baekhyun what was that? What the fuck was that?

“Bye” 

Baekhyun says but Chanyeol doesn’t look back. 

“I lov-”

Chanyeol slams the door behind him because he doesn’t want to hear it. For the first time, Chanyeol doesn’t want to hear it. 

\---

Chanyeol runs away. Further and further. His chest hurts, it’s screaming at him to stop, but he doesn’t care. He wanted to get away, get as far as he can from all of this. 

What the fuck was that with Baekhyun? It had seemed like Baekhyun was trying to. No, it didn’t seem like, it was Baekhyun trying to kiss him. Which was impossible, because Baekhyun doesn’t see him that way, they were best friends and Baekhyun was in a relationship. Hell, Baekhyun was getting married soon. 

Chanyeol’s heart hurts and it burns but Chanyeol doesn’t stop running. He hasn’t even done anything more than climb a flight of stairs since he started to really feel sick. Chanyeol knows he shouldn’t push his body when it was shouting at him to stop, but Chanyeol doesn’t care. 

Chanyeol runs and runs and runs. 

Chanyeol wants to go home. He doesn’t care if it was crazy to try to run the 15km back home, because he wants to. He runs and runs and-

Chanyeol can’t breathe. 

Chanyeol sees his apartment building but he can’t breathe. His chest hurt. His heart hurt so much.

Chanyeol blinks the tears in his eyes away. He can do this. Chanyeol pushes through, he just thinks of Baekhyun and how fucked up the whole scene was, he couldn’t stop thinking about it, it pushes him to make it back to his place. 

Chanyeol tries to calm down, he tries to stop his heart from racing, stop his chest from clenching up, stop his heart from hurting but it’s hard-

Chanyeol feels the wave of nausea taking over, he feels the dizziness hits and Chanyeol knows he needs to sit down, he needs to lie down. 

Chanyeol stumbles into his own room, gasping a bit for air, throwing himself onto his bed. 

He lets his emotions overwhelm him, because he was finally home, he didn’t have to hide it anymore, he didn’t have to plaster a smile on his face. 

Chanyeol doesn’t understand. This should be what he always wanted right? Baekhyun to do something. Anything. To express at least the smallest bit of interest in him. He has been stumbling all his life in a desert looking for the oasis that he thought was Byun Baekhyun’s love. But Chanyeol doesn’t understand why his heart hurts. Chanyeol doesn’t understand why it all rings hollow even he got what he was searching for 

Chanyeol cries because he realises that maybe he got it all wrong. 

Baekhyun wasn’t his oasis. His love would not quench his thirst, his needs, his emptiness.

Chanyeol screams as he wrecks his head trying to think about why this made him feel like shit, like crap. Chanyeol screams as he tries to think about what his oasis was, who his oasis was. Chanyeol screams as he realises it doesn’t matter, because maybe his cancer was the desert he was in, and there was no oasis, and there never will be. There was never going to be any rest or comfort from the pain. 

Chanyeol closes his eyes and shuts it all down, the thoughts, the emotions, the pain. Because right now, it all hurt and hurt and hurt. He wanted to run away from it all, he wishes it would all end. 

Chanyeol prays and prays and suddenly, he feels like he reaches a point where he found his oasis. Relief from the pain, at last. Chanyeol’s heart stops and it doesn’t hurt anymore. 

Chanyeol had finally found his oasis.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry for this dark chapter!!!:(

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you guys enjoyed this chapter.


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